Everyday Life, Ryder's Heart

yes, I’m still here.

Hi. Hello. How are ya?

Yes, I am still here.

I’ve had some complaints from family and relayed through people that I haven’t blogged in a while, so I thought I’d drop in.

Basically, life has consisted of going here and there and everywhere trying to stay busy and not lose my mind these past four weeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore my parents and if I had to live with anyone in the world it would be them. But it has been HARD, y’all. I knew it would be, but I didn’t realize just how hard, you know?

Part of the problem is that my girls, especially Rory, think that if they are at Mimi and Papa’s house that means that Mimi and Papa SHOULD BE HERE at all times. And both my parents work, so that has created quite the issue. Rory cries pretty much from the time they start getting ready until they get home. So its been stressful to say the least.

But it has also been fun. We have had really enjoyed getting to spend the nights with my parents and we have spent so many days with my sister and her kids. So that part has been really fun. Honestly, it is just hard to even think about the good things during the day when kids are screaming and Rory is begging me to go to school, church, home, etc. And it breaks my heart when she asks to see her friends. BREAKS IT.

So, I’m losing my mind a little, but sweet mercy, we are moving into our house this weekend! Woohoo!!!!! I’m so excited! And I got both girls into schools so things will start to get back to normal very soon.

I can see the light and you better believe I’m going right towards it!

But, I will tell y’all that even though I’ve been in a fog and feel like time is standing still, it quite obviously isn’t because Ryder has blossomed into a busy, independent, strong-willed, basically toddler.

She is pulling up and cruising all over the place. She’s talking so much more- saying new words like bird, stop, don’t, jump, ni-ni (night night), go, etc.

 It has been amazing to see her blossom. Because, I will be really honest with you, I still struggle with feeling defeated when it comes to Ryder sometimes. I feel like she’s behind or I worry she is going to struggle. I know she’s “fixed”, but the truth is, she will never be 100% fixed. We will always have to go to the cardiologist at least once a year to make sure the patch hasn’t “sprung a leak” as they say, or that her Pulminory Valve hasn’t closed again. I still grieve over the fact that she had to have such a rough start anyways. I grieve for myself that I had to have that heart ache. There’s no way I’d ever be able to explain it accurately in words as to how much that time from her birth to her surgery to all the struggles after it literally broke my heart. I feel like I’ve aged so much and I feel like no one really understands except from my friends who have been through it as well.

It is hard to know that people are probably thinking “get over it already” and knowing in my heart and mind that I won’t ever get over it. Every year at this time I will go through this gut wrenching feeling about how hard it was… and even describing it as “hard” seems like the biggest understatement in the entire world.

And then I ache with everything in me for parents who have had it much worse than me like my friend, Rachel, who lost her heart baby, Weston. Like a friend I knew in middle school/high school who just lost their precious baby, Carlie. I used to imagine that that might happen to me, but I can’t possibly even close to imagine what they are going through and will go through for the rest of their lives.

So, yes, I’m in a bit of a “fog” right now. I’m having a hard time. I’m struggling.

But I know that it is okay to struggle. I know that I’m not exempt from hurt. And I know Jesus allows for us to grieve and to get stronger because of it.

Please be praying for us in our transition as it has been hard. And please, please pray for the Calvert’s who just lost their baby.

Thank y’all for being such a wonderful support through everything. I’m sorry I have neglected the blog, it is just a hard time right now. But I will be back and have lots of stinker updates for you very soon!

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2 thoughts on “yes, I’m still here.

  1. Oh no! I didn’t know Rory was having such a hard time! I wish you were bringing the girls the weekend (kinda, ha!) so Em could see them, and I want to hear Ryder talking! Can’t wait to see you Saturday!

  2. I love this post sweet friend. And I’m glad I just read it bc I’ve been feeling the same way – like I’m slightly unmoored not knowing how to move on etc. Anyways, I also know that living with your parents is HARD – one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, in fact . . .

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