About a week and a half ago, an event happened that left me devastated and feeling hopeless. I won’t get into the details because 1) it isn’t important to anyone else and 2) I want to protect people that I love (and myself)- just know that I’m not being dramatic when I say this is one of the hardest things I’ve been through.
It took a week of tears and fear and complete hopelessness to get me to breathe properly again.
And a week to open my Bible.
I don’t know why it took so long. Maybe I wanted to continue to wallow in my pain. Part of me was wishing I wasn’t a Christian so I didn’t feel so devastated and that would make things easier for me. So picking up my Bible seemed like an assault to my wounded pride.
When I finally picked it up, I opened it and decided to turn to 1 Thessalonians. I have no idea why and it sounds like a cliche, but it just happened that I turned there and wanted to just read a minute without actively pursuing comfort. Again, I wasn’t ready for that yet.
I read the entire book – just numb to most of the words, but it was when I came to a certain verse that I realized why 1 Thessalonians had been chosen for me –
“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV
I have made that my mantra, my cry to God this week.
I will rejoice even if it hurts because the Bible tells me I have hope in Christ. That this circumstance would be hopeless if I didn’t know Him, but I do know Him and He loves me and cares for me and is hurting with me.
I will pray continuously because the Bible calls me to do this even when I don’t want to. Sometimes my prayer is, “God, please.” That is it. Sometimes that is all I can muster. Mostly, though, my prayer is that God will use this for something great. Praying that is what helps me to hurt less. If I can have the hope that this will be used for something amazing it hurts just a little less.
I will give thanks in this circumstance. I will give thanks for this event in my life because I know it can help me to be the person God wants for me. It will help me to be more compassionate towards others. It will help me to be less callous to things that are clearly not right. It certainly has helped me see the sin in my own life. I will be a better mother, friend, and wife when I get to the other side of this. I will give thanks because God chose for me to have to go through this storm because He wants better for me and wants my life to mirror Him more than it currently does.
I feel like a wreck right now. One minute I’m the same person and I forget. The next minute I find myself unable to get out of bed. Luckily for me, I have two precious girls that need me and love me unconditionally and that helps me so much. Seeing their smiling faces helps the worst days seem like they aren’t so bad.
I am determined to let God do something amazing with this time in my life. He already has opened my wounded heart up and poured Himself into me. I’m honestly looking forward to the growth I know I will experience and seeing the other side of this thing.
God has always been faithful to me, and I will be faithful to Him. Even if it hurts right now, I know He will use this for something great.