We all know that I am the very first to awkwardly and loudly laugh at myself whenever something insane happens. If I trip in public I laugh hard and loud and the people who witness it look at me like “IS SHE OKAY?” as in mentally okay, not physically.
So you know I’m having a bad day when it takes an entire week to write about something that, turns out, is HILARIOUS.
A little over a week ago I had to bring Rory to the doctor for her four year check up. Andy was supposed to come to the appointment to help with Ryder or just keep Ryder while Rory and I went but things got crazy at work so I had to go it alone with both girls.
Things were going okay for a while. I was actually kind of impressed with their behavior …
MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY
Why do I ever feel satisfied with myself as a parent in a public place?! WHY WHY WHY? It always goes WAY WRONG after that.
The appointment went great, Rory was a champ and was so sweet and cooperative.
Then the time came for the doctor to tell us there were several vaccinations she was due for and this mother was NOT PREPARED. I knew she had to get some before Kindergarten but I didn’t know it would be now.
Bless her little heart, it was horrible. Rory has always been such a champ about taking shots, barely crying or anything.
This time she screamed until I was absolutely sure she was going to pass out. She kept screaming, “I SEE THE SHOTS! I AM FOUR YEARS OLD! I CAN COUNT! THERE ARE FOUR! NO PLEASE NO NO NO NO!” – she screamed all of that over and over. It was probably the worst doctor’s appointment by far for Rory. I could still cry just thinking about it.
During the time Rory was getting shots, Ryder got upset because her “finger won’t work right” on the leap pad and decided since life didn’t revolve around her and her three year old self at the moment she was going to throw a HUGE fit. Such a huge fit that she fell out of her chair and hit her head on the floor.
The nurses were panicking and wanted me to go check on her and I simply said, “oh no, Ryder is just fine. She CHOSE to pitch a fit and there is no blood- she will have to wait. Rory didn’t choose to get shots and she is hurting so I’m going to love on her until she says she is okay.”
And let me tell y’all something- that is probably the best parenting stance I have ever taken. I would do the same thing a million times over.
Threenagers. Sigh. Ryder is clearly going to have to learn the hard way that the world does not revolve around her.
Everything finally settled down and then the nurse gave us a cup for Rory to pee in.
I thought nothing of this because I mean, how easy could this be? I hold the cup, she goes in it, and DONE.
HAHAHAHAHA. HA. HA HA.
Rory gets in place on the toilet and I hold the cup for her. Just as she is starting to go Ryder walks over, thinks this is hilarious that Rory is going in the cup, and for some STRANGE REASON I WILL NOT EVER UNDERSTAND EVER EVER EVER decides to hit the cup. It happened so quick that I couldn’t even catch it.
Thankfully Rory stopped pretty much immediately so I reach in and grab the cup – both girls are laughing HYSTERICALLY by the way.
I have one leg up in the air blocking Ryder from coming near and I’m reaching for the cup that is now floating in the toilet when it happened…..
shit crapped all over my hand.
Why? I still do not know. But she looks at me horrified and starts apologizing saying “I DIDN’T MEAN TO IT JUST CAME OUT”. I am rendered completely speechless- I didn’t want to cry and for once in my life I just couldn’t laugh yet (which is probably why Rory looked so scared, bless her heart). I just remained calm and silent though there were ALL THE WORDS in my head.
So now I have been peed and pooped on in a .3 second span of time and I think to myself:
THIS IS MOTHERHOOD. Getting
shiiii crapped on is now the norm for my life.
HANG IT UP TIFFANY, THIS IS THE END.
Now imagine, if you will and are still reading, me like this- one leg up in the air blocking Ryder, one hand reaching over to wash the crap off of it, and one hand holding the cup firmly in place to FINALLY FINISH THE JOB WE CAME IN HERE TO DO.
We come out of the bathroom looking like ….
But trying to look all put together like my normal self…
The poor nurse is wide eyed and probably really curious as to what went on in that bathroom because the Lord only knows what it must’ve sounded like from the outside.
I’ve replayed it several times wondering if I said the ‘s’ word out loud in front of my children (and the nurse innocently waiting for the specimen outside) and FOR THE LIFE OF ME I cannot remember.
So I’m going to pretend I didn’t because that makes me feel a tiny bit better.
As we walked out, I tried not to hang my head in shame but apparently it didn’t work because the doctor stopped us and asked if we wanted a sucker. Then he patted me on my back and said, “Mom, I think you need one too.”
It took everything in me not to say, “Mister, I need this sucker to be fermented and made of whiskey to even touch making me feel better,” but decided it probably wasn’t wise.
So there you have it. The story it took a little bit for me to laugh over and now I can’t stop laughing over it.
*sorry mom for saying the Davis word on the internets.
**I’m also sorry for talking about whiskey- I really don’t drink it I promise. I prefer not to have hair on my chest thankyouverymuch.