Everyday Life, hilarious adventures

the perp

I don’t know if it is all of the meds or all of the fever or all of the TRAPPED INSIDE MY BEDROOM FOR FOUR DAYS, but I feel like I may be going a little insane.

I should have known this weekend that things were on the downhill for my life (I’m not dramatic or anything) because that is when all the craziness began.

Let me start from the beginning.

You see, I have a weird thing called selective OCD. Piles of laundry do not bother me, but a crooked TV- OH YES MA’AM. One of my weird obsessions is the way everything is before I go to sleep. All doors must be locked (duh), fans on, closet and bathroom door shut, and clock facing a certain way. I told you- weird.

Well on Saturday night I was DOG TIRED and for once Andy stayed up later than me watching TV. In the middle of the night I woke up and heard this noise from the bathroom. I promptly woke Andy up explaining our inevitable doom because clearly someone was trying to climb up REALLY HIGH to get into our bathroom window. Which, by the way, does not open.

Andy woke up the first time and sat up and listened to be “nice” but after that he made death threats about me waking him again. Or actually he just slept through it all. Finally I mustered up the courage (aka I had to pee bad enough) to go and shut the bathroom door. From then on out I slept like a baby.

Sunday morning I wake up all bright eyed and bushy tailed (or actually feeling like a hangover without any drinks the night before) while the kids ran around yelling and being LOUD CHILDREN. I took a shower (you’re welcome to all who had to smell me that day). When I got out of the shower I dried off and my hair was sopping wet. I leaned over my tub to squeeze some of the water out but before I wrung my hair out there was a loud noise from my tub…

I thought, “wait that’s funny- I haven’t wrung my hair out into the tub yet….” all the while turning to see….


That sucker was running as hard as he could to try to get out but just couldn’t do it.

And y’all, it scared me SO BAD that I screamed like I have never screamed before. It wasn’t even that it was a mouse that scared me- it was just the unexpectedness of it.

Andy tears into the room with glazed over eyes and crazy hair.

Apparently the children had been awake and I had taken a shower and Andy was asleep in Rory’s bed (because around here- you just find a place and park it to try to get some adequate sleep).

So I pause and say, “Um, were you still asleep?????” and he’s all, “Well… well… uh….. yeah I guess I was.” And I got so distracted at the hilarity of him lookin’ crazy and not even realizing he was in Rory’s bed snoozin’ while the kids were up doing their own thing.


I promptly told him that HE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME. There actually was something in our bathroom for once and he should never doubt my sanity EVER AGAIN.


So that’s how this week started.

Then I got sick and that was a crazy time because I hallucinated about being stranded in Alaska and Andy had not adequately prepared me to survive in cold weather scenarios.

And I kept waking up in the middle of our bedroom in a ball, shivering.

So that was fun and clearly all his fault because HE DIDN’T PREPARE ME.

I knew I was doomed with Ryder having the flu when she started grabbing in the air saying, “No snakes! No! Don’t come near me!” while staring up in the sky at nothing.

This morning was the first time I’ve felt normal since Monday and I’ve been spending lots of time trying love on the girls but NOT AT THE SAME TIME since Ryder’s sick.

Do you know how hard that is, people?!

Rory has spent the entire week being Andy’s buddy and she has had the best time.

Though, I’m quite concerned because she’s been calling Ryder a “perp” all day.

Example: “Hey you little perp! I’m gonna shoot!”

photo 3

So as soon as Andy gets home from work I will be quizzing him on the reasons she now has this word in her vocabulary….

I’m guessing there was a Law & Order: SVU marathon on and they watched together?????

Thoughts anyone?????

I think I will start referring to the mouse in my bathroom as “the perp”.

I was beginning to see a silver lining of all the sickness last night as I went to bed. Andy was up in the playroom sleeping and I was in our room settling in to my pillows. As I’m laying there trying to drift off to sleep I keep hearing this amazingly awful noise. I thought Andy was watching some sort of movie with a car chase or explosions or chainsaws…

so I start to march up there to tell him to quiet down already when I realized…


All that horrible noise was coming from HIM.

And WHO KNEW but when someone sleeps above you in a poorly insulated room it sounds like a freight train being chased and then bombed and then chainsawed in half.

Oh. My. MERCY.

Then I could hear Ryder through the monitor talking to herself in her flu state and also SNORING and the random coughing.

So I was up a good portion of the night thinking…


Here I am in bed with everyone sleeping SO GOOD except me. Even though I’m ALL ALONE and THIS IS THE PRIME TIME TO SLEEP PEOPLE.

But no. NO NO NO NO NO.

It was torturous.


I’m off to stuff the 100th orange down Rory’s throat and to check temps for the 230912091233094234923-232093203904094092339202320394 time this week.

Happy Thursday!


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