I’ve had a lot of time on my hands since moving here because I have literally one friend here (this is not a sob story- its my fault, I have been laying low).
So I was browsing during “rest time” one day on Instagram over a month or so ago and found a local photographer. It just so happened she was having a give away and I just so happened to enter it. Obviously.
Turns out I am sometimes lucky and win things. So we set a date to claim my free mini session for Nov 1.
I was DETERMINED to not be stressed. I picked out our outfits WEEKS in advance (two weeks…). I did trial runs on my hair and makeup. I made ALL OF THE PROMISES of fun rewards for the children if only they endured a tiny bit of the photoshoot.
I was ON THE BALL, y’all.
November 1st came around and was windy and cold and miserable. So we rescheduled to Monday.
No big deal! I am SO PREPARED for a stress free experience.
You see, I don’t know how YOUR family works but here is how the typical day of the family photo shoot goes down:
1- Wake up, first zit in a year smack dab in the middle of your face.
2- Get in shower. Get interrupted 230923 times by children. Come out of shower with half a leg shaved and ponder if you even washed the soap out of your hair all the way. Nope. Totally didn’t.
3- Feed children their 82nd snack because you have read all of the blogs with tips on how to ensure your kids take great pictures and the #1 rule is to make sure the children are not hungry. A hangry child makes for bad photos. Common sense, right?!
4- Blow dry hair. For two hours because your children keep interrupting. When it is finally dry you look like:
Oh yes. You are so welcome. #curlyhairproblems
5- Start makeup while your curling iron and straightener heat up.
6- Water children.
7- Go to use the irons on hair and realize you didn’t turn them on.
8- Put on a movie for the children. Realize one child has pooped her pants. Again.
9- End up taking a sink bath to try and wash all the poo you ended up getting on you from a child who SHOULD BE GOING IN THE TOILET.
10- Start curling hair. Pray you don’t burn your hair off because you are so distracted by children.
11- Ignore all the crazy sounds you hear from the rest of the house. It’ll clean up easily later, right?!
12- Take too long on hair. Realize you are running short on time.
13- Do rush job on makeup. Sneeze immediately after putting mascara on and curse the day you were born.
14- Go into panic mode trying to get yourself and your children dressed.
15- Threaten children to the edge of their lives about NOT getting anything on their clothes.
16- Curse your husband for taking 2 seconds getting only himself ready. How is that even fair?!
17- Get into an epic fight with husband because he says the words YOU SHALL NEVER SAY TO YOUR WIFE, “Babe. Just chill out.”
18- Get to the location and contemplate abandoning the mission and going to the hospital instead to make sure you aren’t having a heart attack. Realize that you’re having a panic attack instead and wish you had an RX for some sort of happy pill.
19- Before getting out of the car declare that IF YOU DO NOT OBEY AND SMILE FOR THE CAMERA YOU WILL NOT HAVE ANY FUN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES. Tell husband to get it together or else he might as well not come home tonight. Ignore the fact that you know you are being a bit dramatic seeing as even on the worst marriage days we have never slept separately because we are mad.
20- Get out of the car and walk towards photographer looking like “OH HI, SO NICE TO MEET YOU, AREN’T WE PRECIOUS?!” :
On this particular day, Ryder was in rare form.
Meaning she acted like a devil child.
The photographer would pose the girls and just when she would say, “okay, smile!”, Ryder would pinch the crap out of Rory just to make her cry.
Then she told the photographer “NO WAY”, when she asked her to stand in a specific spot.
I was so completely mortified I couldn’t even handle myself. I most definitely do not have perfect children but they have never acted like they did yesterday. That poor woman is probably praying we don’t ever ask her to take our pictures again.
I may or may not have cried all the way home.
There are two times in life where I feel murderous towards my family: getting ready for church on Sundays and FAMILY PICTURE DAY.
Please tell me this isn’t just my family…. seriously…. please tell me you are a psychotic control freak mother who NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO NOT BE STRESSED you end up wanting to cut someone you love.
I can assure you that the children look like this in every picture:
Delightful faces, no?
The good news about all of this is that it was the absolute perfect way to get over any anxiety or sadness about the girls leaving on their very first trip without us. Andy’s parents took them to Gatlinburg for a few days. They are going to have the time of their lives.
And tomorrow I am leaving for NYC with four girlfriends from high school! I can’t even believe the trip is finally here! We are all just so ready to spend a few days away from our kids and responsibilities. I’m most excited about eating without having to share or telling anyone to take a bite and SLEEP.