I’m currently blogging from Starbucks because I’m now SO COOL and can do things like this now. Seriously though, it is pretty awesome. After a long week with still one day to go, I told Andy I just needed out of the house for a while. So here I am. Sipping a white mocha and enjoying non-kid music.
I’m currently going through yet another identity crisis. Which is funny because my timehop app notified me that I wrote about it the first time exactly two years ago today. I reread it and tears streamed down my face because I remember that girl and how fragile she was.
Thankfully this identity struggle is a bit different and not quite so hard.
But it is still making me uneasy and unsure of where I am and who I am now.
I just came off of working more than staying at home and completely loving it. I loved the identity I had in my job and how it made me feel worth more than just staying home did.
I also have realized that as I was leaving my job, no matter how excited I was to move here, I was growing bitter. I’ve always tried so hard to not be bitter -more than anything really- because I have someone dear to me eat up with it. But the thing about bitterness is that it sneaks up on you before you even realize what is happening. This week I’ve had this terrible feeling inside and finally realized today that it was bitterness.
This week has been insane. The girls are doing well with the move, but their behavior … notsomuch. Monday I was mortified beyond what I’ve ever been I’m pretty sure because of all of their terrible behavior antics. I mean. It was unreal. If I told y’all you would think I was the worst parent ever because no good mom would ever have kids that acted that way. Y’all know I’m the first one to address the behavior and move on. IT WAS HARD TO MOVE ON THIS WEEK AFTER TUESDAY.
Between their bad behavior and ALL THE BOXES I have had this bitterness coming in and it has stolen all of my joy at times. All of it.
I realized I’m bitter because I left my job that I lovedsomuch and that I was now thrown into stay-at-home-mom world that I really never wanted to do again.
I realize that a lot of you dream of being a stay at home mom…. and I wish beyond everything that you could be. Each of you. I apologize if it stings to hear me say that, but it just hasn’t ever been my dream.
Luckily, Rory started PreK on Wednesday and I’ve gotten so much done at the house so things are starting to get back to normal. I have had to do a hardcore behavior bootcamp and that just hasn’t been fun.
So here I am. Now a SAHM again. The days are long. Sometimes it is unbearably tough.
But you know what? Their behavior showed me more than ever what my job is. It took me a few days to get that bitterness to uncloud my eyes so I could see what a task I have for me.
God placed me into that job for a reason, and now He has placed me here now for a reason.
If I believe whole heartedly that God called us here for a dream job for Andy, then I have to believe the above whole heartedly for myself and my job now.
I know there was no mistake in Him placing me at First Family Medical. So now I know there is no mistake that He wants me home for now with my girls.
This is not the part of the post that I get all sappy and say “So I will enjoy every single second! and I will LOVE being at SAHM because I am LIVING THE DREAM!”.
This is the part of the post where I say that I will trust that God knows best for me and my girls and that He will direct my path and that He will help me to be calm, patient, loving, grace-giving when discipling my girls. I will trust that He will provide for us while I am not making any income. I will trust that He will open doors for me to do big things IN the home and outside of the home.
I have just been hit by a ton of bricks this week that the grace I’m giving my girls is so insufficient. I am praying that God can give me discernment where to give Grace and where to stand firm with consistency.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Oh, how weak I am in my mom game. And my wife game. So weak. I know God can do a good work in me in my home if I let Him. If I let Him.
As far as updates go- Rory is LOVING PreK. LOVING. She told me tonight, “Mom! I miss school!” Bless. She is going every day for half days. It is a perfect fit so far for her- nap time was always where she struggled. I’m very impressed with her teacher and the school.
Please note the cut piece of box because that is all I had to work with, people. It is a mad house in our small but beautiful apartment.
How is she so big? I realized that this is my last year with her forever. After this year she will be in full time school forever and I’ll never have her home every again ever ever ever. (Paper bag, please?!)
Ryder is going to start a one-day-a-week program next week. I’m excited about that half day I will have alone! She is loving sharing a room with Rory (Rory isn’t so sure all the time about it) and they have actually been doing really well in their bunk beds and sleeping – believe it or not!
WHO KNEW going from Central to Eastern time would be so hard???? I MEAN SERIOUSLY. Because my children are up in the night still, I have to make sure they go to bed early because no matter what time they go to bed they are usually up AT LEAST once each and wake up at 6am every morning or before (I can’t even talk about it). So they’ve been going to bed here at 9-9:30 (especially since it is STILL BRIGHT AND SUNNY AT NINE) and it is HARD to adjust to that right now. But we have tried little by little making them go to bed earlier and they end up just staying up forever either way. And I’m going to bed around 12-1 because I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO DETOX FROM THE DAY when they go to bed at 9! They also haven’t had a nap since moving here. And I am pretty sure I can say goodbye to nap time forever. Sigh. I’m in mourning.
Andy’s enjoying his job so much. I am just so thankful. The last job was so hard on him. I felt like it was slowly killing him and our marriage. But I couldn’t say anything because you don’t bite the hand that feeds you- and that goes for Andy and the company in my case. Men hold such pride in their jobs so you have to walk a very fine, sensitive line when talking about their work. I’ve always made a strong point to let him tell me anything he does or doesn’t want to tell me and to just sit and listen and either praise God it is going so well or pray fervently that God would send him something better- something he deserves.
And for me, besides the identity struggle of the work/home life, I am doing well. I kind of enjoy this time of being unknown to anyone. Besides my family, no one expects anything of me. No one is disappointed by me. No one wants me to be someone I’m not. I don’t have to put on a good face 24/7 to new friends. It is just kinda nice.
I am, however, longing beyond longing to find a church. I know a lot of these struggles come from the fact that we have been out of church for the longest period since well before kids. Our marriage and parenting is so much better when we are involved in a church body and are striving to learn and grow in our walk with Christ. So the great Church Search begins this Sunday. Will update you with that later.
One last note before I go- I want to apologize for my last blog. I made a joke that was tacky and careless. The chicken crap was crazy, yes, but I shouldn’t have joked about it as much as I did. I hurt someone’s feelings and I am sorry. Hopefully she will accept my apology and know that my humor didn’t translate on the blog… the blog I had no idea she read which was also careless of me. I’m not about bullying or making crude jokes on the blog so I don’t know what got into me.
When I get all the boxes unpacked I’ll give you a tour of our apartment. The girls think it is fun for now, so that is good! And we have a pool like I promised Rory. Win-win.
Much love, I promise to start blogging more and not be such drag next time.