Holidays, my heart

the Christmas He knew I needed

I remember going through the motions of a “weird” Christmas last year and thinking “this is not how I wanted it to go”. I was depressed and almost bitter watching everyone post all kinds of pictures of their kids in matching PJs, etc. I was so weary and had a bad attitude. Then I realized that I might not have intended Christmas to go that way, but God certainly did.

This year has been much different.

We found ourselves having Christmas this weekend with Andy’s family and my family. That left for an entire week AND Christmas with zero plans. At first it kinda bummed me out because I’ve never EVER experienced this. Then I realized the pressure was completely off and I could plan Christmas the way I wanted to.

Today we baked cookies, made Gingerbread Houses, watched movies, opened one gift, read the Christmas story and put the kids to bed in matching PJs. It is exactly as I have always dreamed and wanted to be.

Then it hit me- I didn’t plan this.

God knew exactly what we needed. He knew that with everything we are about to face with Ryder and the news of her having abnormalities on her spine show up on her X-ray last week that we NEEDED a break.

The peace and quiet and OH SO MUCH FUN as a family has distracted us from all the weight of just life.

The truth is- I am oh-so-weary. I am so exhausted with fighting and preparing and being an advocate for my miracle child. Not to say that I wouldn’t do it every single day for the rest of my life, don’t get me wrong here- but I am so tired.

When the doctor called last week to tell me the findings I fell on the floor and sobbed for an hour. We have no idea what is going on with Ryder’s spine- it could be something so small. But the news broke me down. I cried and cried and pleaded with God to JUST STOP IT ALREADY.

But God is always working on me, and I now have a peace and understanding that He knows what he is doing and has planned our lives according to His purpose. Nothing He does is an accident.

He has BLESSED me with a child who needs me to be her advocate. He entrusted me with such a special child- no special children– who need me to fight for them at all times.

So as we are celebrating this Christmas and only have plans to stay in our PJs and play with all our new toys, I will remember how weary Mary must have been with the weight of Jesus’ life in her heart and on her mind. I only know a tiny fraction of that weariness. I can’t even fathom what she went through her entire life.

This peaceful Christmas is exactly what God intended for us this year and I couldn’t be more thankful that He always knows exactly what we need and when we need it.

Merry Christmas, y’all!

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