Ryder's Heart

reliving it

The past week has been an interesting time for me. I think during the hospital stay, the surgery, the busy-ness of being home again I didn’t allow myself to think about everything that we went through.

And then all of a sudden, it hit me and came crashing down. I have been praying for some other sweet “heart familes” (the Harris, Stanley, and Wiley familes), not to mention the families that still haunt me from our stay at the hospital, and it has just all of a sudden forced me to finally go there. To finally grieve for what we went through, the burden we have carried, and the stress we have undergone.

I am, of course, still rejoicing that God worked through the surgeon’s hands and fixed Ryder. Healed her. I’m still overwhelmed at his mercy and love for us that he performed miracles for us and for Ryder.

But I’m also, quite suddenly, sad again. I have found myself unable to stop weeping at times… unable to get a grip.

I have read through some of my posts and it just breaks my heart all over again. I have been reading the story of Caden and have a mixture of thankfulness that our situation wasn’t quite as dire and a sadness that it never seems to be over for heart families. There is always a twist, a bump in the road, a struggle, a scare. Much like cancer patients- you are always worried that the next doctor visit won’t go well and that something else has popped up.

There is so much stress to any major medical situation. The stress of being away from home, the stress of the situation itself, the stress of medical bills (and bills and bills)…. I could go on and on. And no matter how well the surgery went or not, there is always stress after as well.

Its just an unexpected phase in all of this and in my life. Maybe its a form of post traumatic stress… maybe its just that I’m not nearly as strong as I had hoped.

I’m just so thankful for the prayers that continue to carry me through and to a God who loves me even when I doubt. He loves me even when I’m ugly, even when I’m scared, even when I turn from Him. He loves me despite myself.

I am still thankful and still amazed at the work in Ryder’s life. I guess I’m just going through “the next phase” – coming out of the storm.

And oh how wonderful it is to know that God is still there, carrying me through it all. He carried me before the storm, He carried me through the storm, and He will carry me coming out of it.


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5 thoughts on “reliving it

  1. I have had exactly the same feelings due to my and Ryders situations. I think some days i’m just waiting for the next shoe to drop. But then i focus on the miracles God has blessed us with this year. You and Andy have had a very stressful heartwrenching year but your hearts are in the right place. Love you and contiued prayers for all.

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