hilarious adventures

poop prize

As most of you saw on Instagram and the Facebook last night, Ryder finally got herself a poop prize.

We told her she had to go 5 days with no accidents at all and then she could go out to eat and get a prize from the store.

Because we are not above bribery AT ALL.

She ended up picking out three toys that she HAD TO HAVE that were $50 a piece. So. We made her pick something else. I mean we are excited about her being potty trained but LET’S GET REAL HERE. I’m never gonna pay $50 for a poop prize.

Rory was so excited to pick something out too and we explained to her that we got her something when she got potty trained so it was Ryder’s turn. But because we aren’t monsters and she’s been so sweet lately, we let her have a $5 bill to pick out whatever she wanted. It is hard to get one something and not the other. So sue me.

Now, let’s rewind to yesterday morning for a second.

Andy got up and went to work LONG BEFORE anyone should ever be awake. I woke up and the clock said 7:56 and I almost had a heart attack thinking we had all slept in so late. I stretched and smiled to myself thinking how marvelous life must be for those who have kids that sleep past 7 on the reg.

Then I stumbled in the bathroom…

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Yeah. Who knows how long these heifers were awake. They sure had enough time to get this 24 hour tattoo makeup ALL OVER the entire surface of everything. I love how they don’t know whether to really smile in the picture or not. You can see the fear of their momma in their eyes. It brings me much pleasure.

And just fyi, they aren’t kidding about the 24 hour thing. It took me about an hour before bed to wash this off their face. When we went out to dinner they still had the perfect eye makeup on. Ridiculous.

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I wish I had a full body of Rory because girlfriend looked CUTE yesterday. Look at all those accessories and the way that tutu doesn’t “match” but totally GOES. Gah, I love her sense of style more than anything ever. She is just the cutest.

So, back to the trip to Walmart that took almost two hours:

We gave Rory the $5 and guess what she got…

That’s right. Makeup.

Which, honestly, I was glad about it because we needed some “kid makeup” that didn’t last 24 hours.

She was SO EXCITED about her makeup. She could not handle herself. She picked out her entire outfit last night and then picked out the colors of makeup she wanted on her face to go with her outfit. PRECIOUS.

Well.

Want to know what is NOT PRECIOUS?!

When your child is SO EXCITED about getting ready for school that she wakes up every 15-30 minutes starting at FOUR THIRTY AM. Oh yes. That’s right. Rory woke up at 4:30 and hollered “MOMMMMMAAAAAA DADDDDYYYYYYY COME HURRRRRRRRRRR”. I walk in the room and she says, “Mom. Is it time for me to get ready and put my makeup on yet?”

I was so confused about life. I said, “Honey, it is the middle of the night. No. No makeup until the sun wakes up.”

30 minutes later we repeat this.

We then repeat it every 15-20 minutes the rest of the morning until 6:30 when I’m all I GIVE UP ON LIFE.

BLESS IT.

And by “it” I mean ME.

Also, poor Ryder. She got the same wakeup calls and she is not what we would call a “morning person” – which would be the understatement of the century.

Girlfriend wakes up and does not want anyone to talk to her or LOOK AT HER.

So when we took Rory to school at 8 this morning she couldn’t hang. Fell fast asleep. Bless her heart.

 

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While we are on the subject of cars, I have to tell you a little story.

I think I know why the cat was attracted to my car. I still don’t know how it got in, but I’m starting to understand now…

You see when we left last night to go to dinner there was a “funk” going on in the ol’ minivan.

This doesn’t surprise me because I have children and sometimes funky things happen.

Then this morning Rory opened the door and it was so rank I literally COULD NOT STOP GAGGING.

I mean. All out gag fest going on. The girls refused to get in the car. So I covered my face with a scarf and climbed in the back of the van with the mission of finding the source of the funk.

Y’all.

Y’ALL.

At first I couldn’t find anything. But then….

I looked under the stow-and-go compartment and found it.

There was a LARGE bag of BBQ leftovers and a pumpkin pie (which I thought was sweet potato casserole but instead of marshmallows it was some sort of growth on the pie).

ALL OF THE GAGS.

There were some workers outside and they started gathering to watch me as I gagged and dry heaved while cleaning out the car.

Seriously just gagged again writing this.

GAG GAG GAG GAG GAG.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!

UGHHHH SO MANY GAGS.

I had to come home and take a shower to get the smell out of my hair.

HA.

So, note to self: check the stow-and-go storage compartments after a road trip. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU WILL FIND.

Aren’t you glad I told you that story?

Happy Thursday! Ha!

 

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