I know those who don’t see me in real life probably think I’ve lost my touch with crazy things happening to me… so I just needed to hop on here and tell you- NOPE.
Let me present to you…
LOCK THE DOOR!!!!! (!!!!!!) : A Short Story
A few weeks ago, my little family went to a certain restaurant in our town. I’m not going to tell you where because I want to protect the person’s dignity.
HA. HA. HA HA HA HA. Oh, you are going to find this funny in a minute.
So, we ate a delicious dinner.
I decided to go to the ladies’ room (another irony you’ll understand soon) before we headed home.
I go into the bathroom and look under the stalls. Two are taken, one is not.
So, I open the door.
And there she was, a waitress from the restaurant.
Taking a full frontal selfie.
AND BY FULL FRONTAL I DO MEAN THE LADY WAS STRAIGHT UP NAKED.
She was standing on the pot with her pants around her ankles and her shirt up to her neck. With one finger in her mouth.
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS SEXY LIKE A TOILET AND A FINGER IN THE MOUTH.
So she screams, “OH MY GOD NO NO NO NO”.
And I yell, “NOOOOOO OH MY GOODNESS I AM SO SORRY – LOCK THE DAMN DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(If my children would have been with me I would have murdered her with more words I am sure.)
(Sorry, mom, for using the D word but SOMETIMES IT IS THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO IN A SITUATION.)
I run out as fast as my chubby little legs could and head to the car.
(This may be the best part…)
I text Andy and I tell him I needed to head on home and that I would meet him there.
I flew home. I got 3/4 of the way there when I get a phone call.
Andy: Um, Tiffany please tell me you didn’t really leave- my car is at Aldi, remember?!
Y’ALL I WAS SO DISTRAUGHT OVER THIS SITUATION I STRAIGHT UP LEFT MY HUSBAND AND PRECIOUS CHILDREN AT THE RESTAURANT.
When I pulled up the girls were giving me the side eye like nobody’s business.
Rory says, “Mom, seriously? How could you leave us?!”
I am still traumatized.
I regret a lot of things about this day.
- That she didn’t lock the door.
- That I have a tiny bladder and needed to go.
- That I didn’t scream, “I AM SURE YOUR MOTHER AND JESUS ARE REAL PROUD OF YOU RIGHT NOW.”
So, follow this advice:
Lock the stall door.
DON’T TAKE NUDE PICTURES. IT NEVER WORKS OUT IN YOUR FAVOR. EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER.