If I’m being honest you would know…
… that sometimes I’m just not holding it together right now.
… that I keep thinking “oh I’m being dramatic about all of this” in my head only to realize I’m not.
… that I also keep thinking that this isn’t happening to us. That my baby girl can’t be sick. Its not my life I’m living right now. It must be someone else’s.
… that I’m so afraid Rory will forget me. Yes, its silly to think that but its a real fear I have. Or that she will hate me because I have to give so much attention to Ryder.
… that I’m scared I’m not portraying Christ through this. Its honestly a weight on my shoulders at times that I need and HAVE to show Christ more than ever right now. I have to show that the only way we can get through this is because He is carrying us through with His promises.
… that I feel so guilty. I feel guilty that I’ve left Rory. I feel guilty that Ryder is in this position. I feel guilty that people have to take time off work to help. I feel guilty that because my baby is sick and so friends are worried it will happen to them. I feel guilty that my friend Rachel’s baby wasn’t able to have the surgery that would have healed him and that she has to live life without him.
… that MY heart literally hurts everytime I hear the words “heart failure”, “mortality rate”, “lung failure”, “failure to thrive”, etc.
… that after hearing what they have to do during open heart surgery, I realized I really DON’T want to know.
All of these things run through my head constantly.
But if I’m being honest you would also know…
…that I have never in my whole life felt so loved and cared for (which is saying a lot because there was never a time growing up I didn’t feel loved).
… that I’ve been so blessed with the most wonderful friends and family who are praying for us and helping us in every way that they can.
… that we are one of the few couples that actually get closer instead of pulling apart in a time of such heartache and trials.
… that even though I am so burdened and weak in my negativity at times that I am truly feeling a peace that only God can give.
… that I know something awesome is going to come because of this trial. I don’t know what yet, but I can just feel it coming.
Thank you, again and again and again, for praying. Your prayers are carrying us right now.
(If you are coming from Kelly’s Korner you can catch up with Ryder’s story by clicking here, here, here, here, here and here. Sorry its a lot, ha!)