If I’m being honest you would know…
… that sometimes I’m just not holding it together right now.
… that I keep thinking “oh I’m being dramatic about all of this” in my head only to realize I’m not.
… that I also keep thinking that this isn’t happening to us. That my baby girl can’t be sick. Its not my life I’m living right now. It must be someone else’s.
… that I’m so afraid Rory will forget me. Yes, its silly to think that but its a real fear I have. Or that she will hate me because I have to give so much attention to Ryder.
… that I’m scared I’m not portraying Christ through this. Its honestly a weight on my shoulders at times that I need and HAVE to show Christ more than ever right now. I have to show that the only way we can get through this is because He is carrying us through with His promises.
… that I feel so guilty. I feel guilty that I’ve left Rory. I feel guilty that Ryder is in this position. I feel guilty that people have to take time off work to help. I feel guilty that because my baby is sick and so friends are worried it will happen to them. I feel guilty that my friend Rachel’s baby wasn’t able to have the surgery that would have healed him and that she has to live life without him.
… that MY heart literally hurts everytime I hear the words “heart failure”, “mortality rate”, “lung failure”, “failure to thrive”, etc.
… that after hearing what they have to do during open heart surgery, I realized I really DON’T want to know.
All of these things run through my head constantly.
But if I’m being honest you would also know…
…that I have never in my whole life felt so loved and cared for (which is saying a lot because there was never a time growing up I didn’t feel loved).
… that I’ve been so blessed with the most wonderful friends and family who are praying for us and helping us in every way that they can.
… that we are one of the few couples that actually get closer instead of pulling apart in a time of such heartache and trials.
… that even though I am so burdened and weak in my negativity at times that I am truly feeling a peace that only God can give.
… that I know something awesome is going to come because of this trial. I don’t know what yet, but I can just feel it coming.
Thank you, again and again and again, for praying. Your prayers are carrying us right now.