If I’m being honest you would know…

… that sometimes I’m just not holding it together right now.

… that I keep thinking “oh I’m being dramatic about all of this” in my head only to realize I’m not.

… that I also keep thinking that this isn’t happening to us. That my baby girl can’t be sick. Its not my life I’m living right now. It must be someone else’s.

… that I’m so afraid Rory will forget me. Yes, its silly to think that but its a real fear I have. Or that she will hate me because I have to give so much attention to Ryder.

… that I’m scared I’m not portraying Christ through this. Its honestly a weight on my shoulders at times that I need and HAVE to show Christ more than ever right now. I have to show that the only way we can get through this is because He is carrying us through with His promises.

… that I feel so guilty. I feel guilty that I’ve left Rory. I feel guilty that Ryder is in this position. I feel guilty that people have to take time off work to help. I feel guilty that because my baby is sick and so friends are worried it will happen to them. I feel guilty that my friend Rachel’s baby wasn’t able to have the surgery that would have healed him and that she has to live life without him.

… that MY heart literally hurts everytime I hear the words “heart failure”, “mortality rate”, “lung failure”, “failure to thrive”, etc.

… that after hearing what they have to do during open heart surgery, I realized I really DON’T want to know.

All of these things run through my head constantly.

But if I’m being honest you would also know…

…that I have never in my whole life felt so loved and cared for (which is saying a lot because there was never a time growing up I didn’t feel loved).

… that I’ve been so blessed with the most wonderful friends and family who are praying for us and helping us in every way that they can.

… that we are one of the few couples that actually get closer instead of pulling apart in a time of such heartache and trials.

… that even though I am so burdened and weak in my negativity at times that I am truly feeling a peace that only God can give.

… that I know something awesome is going to come because of this trial. I don’t know what yet, but I can just feel it coming.

Thank you, again and again and again, for praying. Your prayers are carrying us right now.

(If you are coming from Kelly’s Korner you can catch up with Ryder’s story by clicking here, here, here, here, here and here. Sorry its a lot, ha!)

Related posts:

updates and pictures
a Friday post about halloween and singing and tackiness.
a light-hearted post about how I feel about potty training. on opposite day.

9 comments on “if I’m being honest”

  1. I found your blog via Kelly’s corner blog, and wanted to let you know that I will be praying for your little one. Heart babies have a special place in my heart. We adopted our little girl from China last year, and brought her home to have her heart surgery. She was so sick when we first got her, but it was amazing to watch the change that took place after surgery! I’ll be praying. Hang in there.

  2. God bless you Tiffany for your transparency. We are praying for strength and peace for all of you during the next few weeks. Ryder is a special little girl, and I’m sure that God has big plans for her :).

  3. When life is interrupted in a way we never expected, God is giving us an opportunity to partner with Him in His plan. You are an amazing woman with an amazing family. You have portrayed a strength that only God can give, because if we are all honest, we are all weak. I love you, Tiffany, and I love your girls! They are both such amazing gifts to this world. You are in my prayers daily.

  4. Just found your blog and I can totally relate to what you’re going through. My daughter was also born with a heart defect and had the ballon dialation at 7 weeks old. She’s ok right now but her future is still unclear. I don’t think I’ve been through anything harder in my life. I know how important it is to know that people out there are praying for you and your family. As hard as this heart journey has been (almost 2 years now) I wouldn’t take anything back. I thought I’d never make it through when I was going through it. Some days I wanted to just sit in my room and cry and wonder WHY…Why my baby?!?! But now being on the other side of it I now know why. This whole situation has changed me as a person, as a mother and as a wife. I look at life totally different. My relationship with the Lord has grown to a new level. You learn to trust God in ways you never thought you’d have to. I will be praying for your family and for your little girl. Remember that he is the great physician and loves his little girl more than we can ever imagine!

  5. this made me cry Tiffany. I love ya’ll so much and I am sorry that you are going through this. but you are right Romans 8:28 something good will come of this. Ya’ll all have been such a blessing in my life, and I am so grateful for that. Please Please let me know if I can do anything to help your family. I will be praying for you and believe me that is the most powerful thing. Hearing the words “heart failure” sends chills down my spine as it is something I struggle with (which I am in no way comparing the situations, I can’t imagine what you are going through) but I will say GOD is a wonderful and powerful God. I think you are being a GREAT example of Christ through this trial. It is ok to have some concerns that doesn’t mean you aren’t Christlike it just means that you care about your family. ๐Ÿ™‚ Rory knows that you love her. She has some of the greatest parents ever. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I love you and Please don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything at all. God bless your family!!!

  6. Praying for you, Tiffany, and your precious baby and family. I pray God will continue to surround you with the peace that only He can give and His healing power over Ryder. I know that “with God, ALL things are possible”, as He has proved time and time again through Kelsie’s life. I pray that He will continue to sustain you and give you stamina throughout this time.

  7. Tiffany-
    We might be many miles away and seems we will never meet. I want you to know my whole family is praying Ryder. She is such a cutie along with Rory. God has a great plan-and as I read your post I thought of the little trials I am dealing with and realized by your transparency and your honesty how it reveals how we must be this way. Too many times we try to be strong with out turning everything over. I appreciate you sharing this with everyone and God will use you even in your lowest valley to shout his name to the Mountain tops. 1 Thessalonians 5:16, 17 Rejoice always , Pray without ceasing in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Such a hard verse to take in but so true! Love ya girl-Praying for the surgeons hands and many many miracles to be performed
    Carmen

  8. I’m Lloyd Reitz’s cousin and just read about your precious baby in Kristen’s blog. Wanted you to know I will be lifting you all up in prayer during this difficult time! Your honesty in the blog you just wrote is something beautiful and girl let me tell you, you are strong!!
    Hoping this gives you comfort today-
    Colossians 1:17 “He is before all things and in Him all things hold together.”
    “We’ve all been lost and we’ve all been hurt
    When our hope is spent and our faith don’t work
    But nothing lasts forever
    The only thing that matters is God is still God and He holds it together
    He’s been there walking in the wilderness
    When it’s hard to see the enbut He had the strength to do it
    So He can help you through it
    So hang on now” (song by Heather Williams)

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