We’ve all had the crud in our house for the past 5 days. It started with Rory and has now been passed to all of us. Exciting news, right?

Lately I’ve been feeling stuck. Life is going on, not as easily as I had hoped or envisioned when I was pregnant with Ryder, but I’m stuck.

My heart is still stuck at the hospital with Ryder before and after surgery. Its been almost 4 months since her surgery, but all I can do is think about that time. I close my eyes and I still see her sweet face struggling to eat and breathe.

And yet, my body is here. I am going through the motions of being at home with the kids but some days are blurry. I have moments of “how in the world did I get here? why is this my life? did I sign up for this willingly?”.

All of those thoughts give me so much guilt and shame. I should be living now joyfully, especially after all we’ve been through this year. I should be enjoying each new moment with my girls instead of wanting to flee as soon as I get the chance.

How did I stand so strong and with unwavering faith when Ryder was in the hospital and now I’m acting as though God turned his back on me?

I know many of you have gone through this or are going through this now. People don’t talk about it because its so shameful. But being a stay-at-home mom is hard. I’m not just a mom- I’m a secretary to Andy, a cook to everyone, a maid, a doctor/nurse, an errand runner, etc.

I don’t know how my life ended up like this where all I get are mom showers every other day and have constant snot and spit up on my clothes, but I do know that God is intentional with His plans for my life. Which means I should be intentional with the life He has given me.

Motherhood is nothing short of a mission field. I am raising my children to be able to go into the world with integrity. I am raising my children to be able to give others grace like Jesus has done. I am raising my children to be followers of Christ so that they may spend an eternity in Heaven and be saved from an eternity in Hell.

Wow.

And yet, I’m getting so frustrated I want to hit a wall because Rory deliberately disobeys me over and over and over again. Just as I do to Jesus every day. The difference between the two is that God gives me His grace to pick back up and try again. And I’m not always so gracious.

If you are finding yourself in the same place as me, know you are not alone. We all have those thoughts, though few like to admit it.

I’m so thankful for a fresh new day full of God’s grace. Now, to just use that grace on my family.

 

Related posts:

things coming up!
birthday!
I survived.

4 comments on “grace”

  1. It is winter, you are also missing your mom and dad. And they are missing you. Being a stay at home mom is hard, but being a working mom and doing all of the above also is twice as hard. Plus missing out on all of those perfect little moments. It is not the being a stay at home mom it is just the frustration of a day, any day. You are right we all have it whatever our “job” title. And you are also right God is what gets us through it. You are wonderful mother, you love to laugh, and you do find joy in so many things. Spring will be here soon, and thankfully Feb. even sooner!!!!!!!

  2. Steve always tells me not to live in the past but live for the future in which we find hope because of Jesus. As a mom we wear many hats and some days they can get heavy. Know you’re not alone as we all have “our” days and little ones sometimes drain you. You’re a wonderful mom and Rory is just testing you. Hang in there as a blessing is just around the corner! 🙂

  3. Like you and every mother who was not born with a silver spoon in her mouth, I suffered the same feelings of inadequacy. I thought if I stayed home and ONLY kept a clean house, washed clothes, dishes (by hand); cooked our meals, ironed all our clothes, teach my kids to be kind to each other as well as others, etc, etc, etc……….I was not doing my part. You see we grew up in a time when there were more working moms than not and the ones who chose to stay home and budget for groceries and pinch our pennies to make ends meet were looked down on. Well one time I was at home and feeling down on myself and for once couldn’t keep it in,I said to Mother, I do contribute and I do work hard and I don’t just watch soap operas! Grandmother (yours)said to me. “Well! It’s about time you figgered that out and don’t you ever forget it.” If she were here, she would say the same to you. Like your mom said it is January. What I always called my depression month. Spring will be here before we know it and won’t it be fun?

  4. oh girl. I totally, totally feel your pain. I feel the EXACT same way about Caden’s surgery and hospital stay . . . I dont know why I feel so “stuck” in it – like I’m totally having trouble moving forward, even though I should just be so grateful and joyful that he is home and doing well . . . and I ALSO totally feel you on the disobedient toddler . . . ugh, motherhood really is hard. I’ll be praying for you friend!

I love hearing from y'all! Leave a comment below!