We’ve all had the crud in our house for the past 5 days. It started with Rory and has now been passed to all of us. Exciting news, right?
Lately I’ve been feeling stuck. Life is going on, not as easily as I had hoped or envisioned when I was pregnant with Ryder, but I’m stuck.
My heart is still stuck at the hospital with Ryder before and after surgery. Its been almost 4 months since her surgery, but all I can do is think about that time. I close my eyes and I still see her sweet face struggling to eat and breathe.
And yet, my body is here. I am going through the motions of being at home with the kids but some days are blurry. I have moments of “how in the world did I get here? why is this my life? did I sign up for this willingly?”.
All of those thoughts give me so much guilt and shame. I should be living now joyfully, especially after all we’ve been through this year. I should be enjoying each new moment with my girls instead of wanting to flee as soon as I get the chance.
How did I stand so strong and with unwavering faith when Ryder was in the hospital and now I’m acting as though God turned his back on me?
I know many of you have gone through this or are going through this now. People don’t talk about it because its so shameful. But being a stay-at-home mom is hard. I’m not just a mom- I’m a secretary to Andy, a cook to everyone, a maid, a doctor/nurse, an errand runner, etc.
I don’t know how my life ended up like this where all I get are mom showers every other day and have constant snot and spit up on my clothes, but I do know that God is intentional with His plans for my life. Which means I should be intentional with the life He has given me.
Motherhood is nothing short of a mission field. I am raising my children to be able to go into the world with integrity. I am raising my children to be able to give others grace like Jesus has done. I am raising my children to be followers of Christ so that they may spend an eternity in Heaven and be saved from an eternity in Hell.
And yet, I’m getting so frustrated I want to hit a wall because Rory deliberately disobeys me over and over and over again. Just as I do to Jesus every day. The difference between the two is that God gives me His grace to pick back up and try again. And I’m not always so gracious.
If you are finding yourself in the same place as me, know you are not alone. We all have those thoughts, though few like to admit it.
I’m so thankful for a fresh new day full of God’s grace. Now, to just use that grace on my family.