Just like everyone else, I’ve been thinking about my goals for 2013. What do I want to do differently? What do I want to accomplish? What do I want to do to make myself a better person this year?
Just like every year, I just want to live my best life. I want to be better.
But something I’ve realized over and over is that I won’t ever be my best self with my current lifestyle.
This is probably the hardest and most humiliating post I’ve ever written because it is actually about my true self.
My true self is overweight.
Overweight, overwhelmed, depressed, self-loathing, selfish, tired, and humiliated.
I’m tired of being the fat, funny girl.
I hide behind my humor and rely on that to get me through times when I want to die from hating myself and what I’ve become.
I want to be the skinny (or at the least average sized), funny girl.
I’m tired of crying about it. I’m tired of being shocked when I look at pictures. I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of hating myself.
Because, here’s the deal- I have two daughters and I am being the poorest example possible to them.
I don’t want them to grow up and inherit my self-loathing tendencies. And the bottom line is, that is never going to change if I don’t change myself.
Every year, I go through and say that I’m going to lose weight, and every year it stays the same. I make 2392409024 excuses for why it didn’t happen and swear this will be the year I lose the weight. And then BAM! another year goes by and I’m still fat.
So this year, I’m telling people about my plans instead of just crying to Andy about it. I’m gathering people to help hold me accountable and help encourage me. I know I can’t do it by myself and I know I need all of the accountability I can get.
Last night I started the Couch to 5K training program and I was PUMPED UP to start. I’ve never ran a 5k before because back when I was fit I was way busy with softball and cheerleading and all kinds of other sport activities and also, races weren’t “in” at the time. It is something I’ve said for 3 years I wanted to do but haven’t even attempted to start.
Let me tell y’all something. I about died. My friend, Haley, went with me and she was like my little drill sergeant. Which is a good thing. I thought I was going to puke at one point (thanks to fajitas- what was I thinking?) and the whole time I was running I was cussing at myself. Yes, full on cussing. Not even gonna lie. I said words in my head that I didn’t know I had in there anymore. I was so mad at myself for letting myself get so far gone that the first day of training I thought I was going to literally pass out. I kept saying, “Tiffany, how did YOU get here? You were always so fit and active! This would’ve been a breeze for you! What happened? How could you do this to yourself?”. I literally had to fight tears the entire time. I wanted to just full on ugly-cry. It was one of my lowest points in the weight struggle.
Then I came home and walked in and Rory said, “Mommy!!!!! Look at you! I like your outfit!” and she gives me a huge hug and continues to say, “Mommy, I like your hair! I like your new pants. I like your shoes. Mommy, I like your face. You so pretty. Mommy, I like your eyes. They are so beautiful like a princess.” and on and on it went. And just like that the self-loathing went away and pride (the good kind) crept in. My heart swelled at the tenderness of this precious child of mine and how it seemed she just sensed that her momma needed a little encouragement.
I started thinking in a different way, because Rory showed me she doesn’t think like I do. My girls don’t see fat yet. They just know this is the way their mom looks and they think I am beautiful and they love me without hesitation. Instead of taking that as a cue that I’m fine the way I am, I decided it was time to do this for me so I can feel like they do about myself. So, because of a little girl’s sweet remarks, my self-loathing faded away a little and pride in myself started to creep in.
I may have almost died/puked, but I did it. I started. I ate well yesterday, I exercised without quitting. If I would have been by myself I would’ve made an excuse as to why I just couldn’t continue to kill myself jogging and walking. But thankfully, I had someone to help me stay with it. Even though I was slow as Christmas and heavily panting… I DID IT.
So I decided this isn’t a New Years Resolution type of thing. This is a “Tiffany is going to love herself again” thing. This is a “Tiffany wants her girls to grow up with a healthy self-esteem” thing. This is a “Tiffany wants her children to be proud of her” thing. This is a “Tiffany is tired of hiding behind the humor and behind her kids and husband” thing. This is a “Tiffany wants her husband to be proud to have her on his arm” thing.
I’ve lost myself in the fat. Its been a long time since I’ve felt like myself. It has been a long time since I haven’t been embarrassed to be seen by old friends and family.
And I’m tired of it.
Here I am before my first run
It literally could not be a worse picture, but I’m posting it anyway.
I don’t know what this will turn into. I want to blog about it because it keeps me accountable and I want to help other moms who have found themselves in the same situation as I am in now. I want to be encouraged and be an encourager through this. I don’t know how often I will blog about it, but I want to document my progress and all of that. This is a huge deal, especially if and when I accomplish my goal weight, so I want to have a diary of sorts of my progress.
I’m excited. I’m scared OUT OF MY MIND (especially since I’ve actually written this and I’m about to cry as I’m hovering over the “publish” button).
Let’s do this.