Sometimes life just gets discouraging.
The mundane of the every day seems to wear on me and there are times when I wonder why I’m trying so hard to get the people I’m in charge of to do the same things over and over. How many times have I heard the quote, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” (Albert Einstein)?! Well, people, that is my life. The definition of insanity.
There are so many days where I feel like I spend my whole day fighting. Fighting for and against things around me.
I’m constantly fighting FOR my children. I’m fighting for their hearts- wanting them to have a heart that knows between the right and wrong things, a heart that is respectful and kind, a heart that longs for Jesus. I’m fighting for them to eat well. AND OH HOW I FIGHT for them to sleep well.
I’m constantly fighting AGAINST my children too. I’m arguing over how clothes don’t “twirl like a princess” just right. I’m fighting them on actually eating their dinners. I’m fighting them to be nice to each other. I’M FIGHTING THEM TO STAY IN THEIR BEDS and SLEEP ALL NIGHT.
The less sleep we get, the more Andy and I fight as well. We fight TOGETHER for our children to behave well and be respectful.
We also do a lot of fighting WITH each other. We fight over big things and the dumbest, littlest nick picky things you’ve ever heard of. I’m not always a good forgiver and he’s not a good listener. I can’t understand HOW ON EARTH he doesn’t hear the children at night. He swears he doesn’t. He can’t understand why the house isn’t perfectly clean or why I “have” to buy things. We have different ideas on discipline. Our “love tanks” sit on empty and if we aren’t careful we go days living as roommates.
Thats when I look around me and wonder how my life ended up this way. How did I end up with the family and marriage I swore I’d never have? I never understood before how people let their kids between their marriages. I never understood how parents didn’t have 100% control of their children.
Goodness. I was SO JUDGMENTAL before I had kids. I just really had no idea about how hard it would be and how delightful it would be to have children. Its the most bipolar thing I’ve ever experienced.
Today I got a call about Rory’s day at school and I just had a total breakdown.
You see, I love Rory with such a fierceness I can’t hardly breathe. She is the most amazing child. She’s incredibly smart, so sweet and kind, and has the most amazing sense of humor.
But y’all. She’s the one. The child that is HARD. She can’t get her brain to shut off ever. She doesn’t sleep, barely eats, she’s just always thinking and imagining and sometimes she just can’t handle life. She is emotional and sensitive. Its just hard and not everyone knows how to deal with all these things.
BUT I’M HER MOMMA and even though I prove the definition of insanity quote by ol’ Einstein, I guarantee you that I WILL NEVER STOP FIGHTING FOR HER. Never. I will fight for her heart and her behavior and I will be as insane as I can be. I will fight to make sure she is secure in herself because she is PERFECTLY MADE by God. He knew what he was doing when He made her. He knew what He was doing when He gave her to me. She is my most precious gift and I will never stop fighting for her or for Ryder.
I will also continue to fight for my marriage. Obviously it will not always be the best days with zero fights because that isn’t real life. But I WILL ALWAYS FIGHT for Andy. I will always fight if that means we stay together. I don’t want to ever lose my fight for him. Andy’s the best thing that ever happened to me. My girls are my most precious gifts, but Andy is my number one. One day my kids will leave and Andy will still be here and I have to fight for us to get to that time together.
Even if it means times where I get so discouraged I don’t want to go on, I have to continue to fight.
I don’t know what I would do on my darkest, most discouraging days without the grace of God. I really don’t. His grace picks me up and washes over me again and again. I’m so thankful to have Him rooting for me, my children, and my marriage.
“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31
I will fight for my children.
I will fight for my marriage.
What are you fighting for?