It was 5 years ago when we were learning the significance of Ryder’s heart problems and that surgery would be the only solution. It seems like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once.
I thought getting through that would be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but turns out, parenting is full of “hardest things I’ve ever done”.
As you all know, we have struggled for years trying to find solutions for Rory’s significant sleep issues. We finally have a good routine and she is sleeping decently.
Now that REAL school of first grade has started we have realized there are much more significant things going on with Rory.
That day Rory was formally diagnosed with ADHD and also Sensory Integration Disorder. Both things were not shocking to me- and even a relief, to be honest.
For years I thought it was me. My poor parenting. My poor judgement. My focus on Ryder’s health problems for so long that made Rory spin out of control. I truly believed my mothering was the route of all “evil” going on.
So when they finally diagnosed her I cried with relief. It wasn’t just me. This was bigger than me and out of my control. Of course I am sad that Rory has something that makes her “tick” differently, but I’m also relieved because that means we can get help and work on it in a different way.
School has been hard for Rory this year, and my heart breaks for her. I literally have a physical pain anytime I know she’s having a tough go of it.
Everything in this new world we have entered takes so much time. It took 8 months to get the appointment. It takes two months to get the Occupational Therapy evaluation done. It takes two months to have our next appointment to start medicine if we decide to go that route. It takes several months after that to tweak the medicine until it is the perfect dosage.
There is so much waiting.
Meanwhile, Rory is still struggling.
And my heart is breaking more and more every day for her. I feel like there is nothing I can do to help her.
I lose my patience too quickly. I am sometimes too lenient. I am sometimes too harsh. The balance hasn’t been found yet and I’m struggling with that big time.
Basically, we are a mess right now. Rory is fighting a battle and she doesn’t even know she’s fighting it. I’m having such severe inner struggles it is hard to find my breath sometimes. I wish I could sit with her at school and love on her and show her the right way all day. Sometimes I want to just pull her and homeschool her but I know that is not my calling and won’t get her the help she needs. I also have incredible guilt because right now my focus is so much on Rory that Ryder has been acting out and doing things SO out of character for her and I know its because she needs attention.
Today I was sitting with a new friend of mine and a lady we are trying to build a relationship with and I noticed a verse on the lady’s wall.
God made both my girls with INTENTION. He knew exactly what he was doing. They are made with love. There is nothing “wrong” with either of them. They are fearfully and wonderfully made.
I’m so overwhelmed with thankfulness that the God who created the universe created my girls and entrusted them into my hands. I feel so undeserving and feel like I am failing them every single day (and I am). God’s grace will continue to shine on us and I will grasp at it with every fiber of my being.
We are praying for answers and for the help Rory needs. She is such a delight and I’m so thankful she is mine.