Before I had children I never realized how truly selfish I was. I am a giver by heart and love to give gifts and give encouragement, etc, so I never thought of myself as selfish. I thought the opposite- I thought I was a self less, giving person.

And then I had children.

I will be honest and tell you that motherhood hasn’t been roses and sunshine for me. I struggle almost every day. On hard days, I wonder if being a stay-at-home mom is what I’m really called to do. On easier days, I still struggle with all the demands of the day.

Today has been an especially hard day. We are all sleep deprived to the point where we can’t handle emotions and even the smallest tasks bring tears. Just having her pull-up changed or getting out of her chair after lunch was so daunting apparently that it caused huge meltdowns with Rory.

As I finally got both kids down for a nap (after an hour-long struggle), I got in an extremely hot shower and just wept.

I cried because I was mad. I cried because I was sad. I cried because I know that I will not be able to go to sleep tonight and think, “I did my best. I was the best mom I could be today.” I cried because Rory is struggling. I cried for all the struggles we have had with Ryder.

I mostly cried, though, out of selfishness.

You see, and maybe I’m the only one but I highly doubt it, I crave alone time. I crave time to just be still and silent. I crave time to eat without interruption. I crave time to be able to go to the bathroom without someone touching me and asking, “Whatcha doin’ Mom?”,  2039484 times. I crave time to just sit and watch a little Live! with Kelly and Michael while the kids play in their rooms without fighting or needing something. I crave time to sleep… whether that be an occasional nap or just one night of uninterrupted sleep.

I know that every mom needs “me time”. I know that is so healthy to get you out of the rut of the every day life of being a mom.

But.

There is a fine line between wanting to get away for a little much-needed break to save your sanity and just being selfish.

And people, I have crossed it so many times I couldn’t begin to count.

I’ve had times where I felt entitled to just a minute to watch a show and I shun my kids to go play nice in their playroom. I have gotten aggravated when they wanted me to (gasp) play with them because I just wanted to be lazy. I roll my eyes and let out a big sigh when I have to get up, again, during my lunch because someone needs something.

Basically, I’ve been a selfish mom-brat.

It is the ugly truth and I’m not proud of it at all.

I have these precious children and my husband works so hard so that our family is provided for and yet here I am stomping my foot wanting more me-time. I have been short tempered with the kids because they are needy. Which, hello, is my job to cater to their needs in a healthy way.

So, as one of my biggest tasks of letting go, I need to let go of my selfishness.

I’m not entitled to a moment of peace. It is nice when I get them, but I willingly signed up for the job as homemaker so I should be making my home feel secure and comfortable to my kids. They don’t need to be afraid to disturb grumpy mommy from her show. How horrible does that even sound? And I’ve done it! It is mortifying and embarrassing to think I’ve been going on this long being so selfish.

People dream of only being at stay-at-home mom and all I’m doing is squandering the life God has given me by being selfish.

My prayer for this 31 days is to keep being reminded to “let go” of things that I have held onto or that are unhealthy to me and my relationships.

Selfishness is a HUGE struggle for me. I need so badly to let it go and let God bless my days with these children. I know that our days will go smoother and they will play better and I will be able to end the day with a smile of satisfaction that I did my best.

So here I go: I’m challenging myself to leave the TV off, not keep my phone in my hand, and to actually listen and play with my children more. I’m challenging myself to let go of that selfish nature that is so innate in us as human beings and to set myself apart as Christ has called us to do.

Do you struggle with selfishness? How do you give yourself “me-time” without crossing that line of selfishness?

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This is my 3rd post in the series of Letting Go. You can start at the beginning here.

There are over 1100 people participating in the 31 Days challenge- go check out more here.

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