There are times in your life when you just put your head down, stifle your feelings, and keep going even if it kills you. And then there are times when something rises to the surface suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere- experiences, feelings, memories- and all you can do is just feel it.
This afternoon the girls and I played outside (this weather is glorious) as we have been doing every day. I just sat there and watched as they explored the yard- picking up leaves, throwing leaves, jumping in the leaves. I watched with pride and joy as Rory was showing Ryder how to throw the leaves in the air so they would land on their head and giggled out of pure joy when Ryder did it just as she was taught. Both girls, wide eyed and lost in the moment of fun, were in complete outside heaven. That is when I started to feel it rising up in me. I wasn’t sure at the time what I was feeling, but I felt a little weepy in a good way.
We came inside and put about 30 puzzles together (ha), and as I’m laying on my belly on the ground with Ryder crawling all over me and Rory with a determined look in her eye, I felt it again. I stopped and thought, “what in the world?”, as I teared up for no apparent reason.
After dinner and bath and all of the bedtime fun, I sat there with both girls on my lap singing to them and I just lost it completely. Tears ran down my face and I couldn’t finish the last part of “You Are My Sunshine”. Suddenly, I realized what it was.
Thankfulness. Praise. Gratitude. Awe. Indescribable love.
As Rory and Ryder stare at me and glance at each other like, “oh Lord, she’s lost it”, I just start giving them kisses. I kiss Rory’s sweet face all over and she giggles wildly. Then I start kissing Ryder, all the while tears are still pouring down my cheeks. The girls are laughing in delight, and I’m crying in delight.
As Ryder leans back with her deep laugh, I see a tiny peak of the scar on her chest and I can’t help but kiss there too. Tears continue to flow, but it comes from a different place than it used to. It comes from a place of happiness. A place of triumph and of wonder. It comes from a place of ultimate praise because I know I could never be here with these feelings and emotions if it weren’t for what God has done for us. He has healed Ryder and He has healed me from any anger or bitterness I could have had because of our experience. I’m not going to lie, there were times I wondered angrily “why me” when I thought about how my friend Erin’s baby had a hole that closed up and even harder was my sister Tasha’s baby who was born just two months before had a hole that closed up on its own as well. Of course I would have never wanted it to be them, I just wondered why Ryder’s had to be the one that wouldn’t close up, the valve that wouldn’t open.
But now I truly never wonder “why me”. I’m so thankful for our experience. I’m so thankful God allows days like today to remind me of all we have been through and all that we have overcome. And for me to just let go and feel it.
This is my 17th post in the series of Letting Go. You can start at the beginning here.
There are over 1100 people participating in the Nester’s 31 Days challenge- go check out more here.