Everyday Life, hilarious adventures

closet purge of 2014 and the middle school years

Yesterday I completely lost my mind and decided to completely clean and re-organize my closet.

And by RE-organize I mean organize it for the first time the right way since living here for a year.

Obviously.

You may be wondering why I would decide to do this so I thought I’d share with you a little picture I’d like to call “OUT OF CONTROL”. Or if you are super cool like me you’d hasthag it #OOC.

IMG_3744I’m ashamed to even show you that picture.

But the first step in recovering is recognizing you had a problem.

AND OH DID I HAVE A PROBLEM.

The girls had lost their TV privileges a few days ago, so I turned it on for the first time in a while and they literally sat and watched Imagination Movers (most annoying show ever) and Sheriff Callie (don’t even get me started on that one) the entire time I cleaned.

Which, lets face it, is a true Christmas miracle.

Only it is March. So whatever.

The total loss of my mind also happened because of a few key factors worth mentioning:

1- My children refuse to sleep which, I know, is shocking news around here.

2- In hopes that they would sleep better I have made the executive decision to not allow naps anymore. Which has caused much weeping and gnashing of teeth FROM ME but after FOUR YEARS OF NO SLEEP, I cannot handle it any longer. No really. I told Andy I COULD NOT DO IT ANOTHER NIGHT. And of course, I did do it another night because what else can you do? Sometimes life is truly just about survival.

3- I’ve been drinking The Pioneer Woman’s (or Ree if you are friends with her which of course I am not) Iced Coffee every morning for about a week. And I don’t know what kind of crack juice it actually is but one glass of this heaven in a cup sends me into SUPER OVERDRIVE. Maybe it is the scoop of sugar and milk that make it even more crack juice-y. I don’t even care.

IMG_3742So as I’m cleaning out my closet I realize that I’m a true clothes hoarder. I don’t have the tendency to hoard anything else (except nail polish, makeup, shampoos and shoes- HA) but old clothes. I’m all over it.

Case in point. I had this dress since I was pregnant with Rory. And I used to wear it. Like I for real wore it.

IMG_4340WHY DON’T YOU PEOPLE LOVE ME?! Because if you loved me you would have told me to take this saggy boob snake mess off and THROW IT AWAY.

Sigh. Clearly I have no friends.

Then I noticed this piece of awesomeness stuck way back in the back of my T-shirts.

IMG_4337Bulldog Bash T-shirt circa 2005. This isn’t even mine. I’m pretty sure it is Sam’s from one of the times he moved in due to the fact that Andrew and him could not beat their playstation addiction in college. Why do I still have this?! Please tell me?!

The next items on my list date all the way back to the mid to late 90s.

OH YES THEY DO.

Exhibit A: Cheerleading sweatshirt circa 1999, Tigrett Thunderbolt (faux) “letter jacket” for soccer circa 1997, and Tigrett basketball windbreaker or whatever they were called circa 1996/97/98. Sweet mercy. HOW DO I STILL HAVE THESE THINGS?!

IMG_3782Please notice my name monogrammed on the windbreaker. Tiffany McIntire. The holy grail of awesome awkward.

You know. This is the perfect opportunity to interject and tell you a little story.

While wearing that windbreaker I fell, nay, tumbled violently down an entire set of bleachers during a pep rally after they called my name to come to the center of the court.

It is really too bad that they didn’t have cell phones back then because I would have been a youtube sensation FOR SURE.

I’m pretty sure I have PTSD to this day from that. And I’m pretty sure it was MOST DEFINITELY my most embarrassing event to date.

Raise your hand if you went to Tigrett and remember this! I’ve been texting my “friends” (ha) Rachel and Sara and they totally don’t remember which is the biggest disappointment of my life. Then I went to facebook messaging random friends from Tigrett and none of them remember either. So maybe it was a bigger deal in my head…. or actually NO IT WASN’T I FREAKING FLIPPED DOWN 27 BLEACHERS IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL. IN 7TH GRADE. Could there be anything worse OR more hilarious ever?!

7th grade is a rough year no matter what. Throw in the fact that I didn’t make the basketball team so ended up being the “ball girl” and THEN FELL DOWN THE STAIRS WHEN THEY CALLED MY NAME at the pep rally and well it was literally hell on earth. Ha!

All this thinking about middle school made me decide to find my lovely yearbook. AND OH I FOUND SOME GEMS.

First I shall show you the team picture that shows we all wore matching windbreakers:

IMG_3848There I am second row from the bottom all the way on the left. They put me there because they were worried I couldn’t handle the bleachers more than one step.

And rightly so.

But can I just say that I’m so thankful for the sweet mercy of whoever did this yearbook page because there was no mention of the ball girl status. I owe you a drink, dear friend.

Next up is a “group picture”. I stole my anorak from my sister and thought I WAS THE BOMB.COM, y’all. Because NOTHING said cool like a Gap Anorak, am I right or am I right?! I’m on the floor all the way to the left. In case you were wondering, the anorak was maroon. If you could see this more clearly you would see that anoraks and stripes were clearly BIG in ’97. Also. I had on Timberlands. Faux Timberlands from Shoe Carnival or WalMart or wherever, I’m sure. Holla Team 7A, holla.

IMG_3847I had to look twice at this one and second guessed myself until my memory came back and I distinctly remember gasping in horror when I saw that this made it into the yearbook…

IMG_3844Because every 7th grade girl wants to look like a 7th grade boy in the yearbook.

BUT! You HAVE to look on my wrist! That right there friends in your essential WWJD bracelet. Probably in navy or black. I had one in every single color, of course.

Here is my sixth grade yearbook picture. I’m throwing this in there so everyone can see that I had a version of the bowl cut in middle school which is pretty much horrific.IMG_3837And here we are at a dance in 7th grade….

Honestly I don’t even know what to point out first because there is too much awesomeness in one picture.

IMG_3833I think we should note these things: 1) everyone rocked the oily bangs, 2) STRIPES ARE STILL IN, 3) So are overalls. Corduroy overalls to be exact. 4) And sweetness look at the turtlenecks! Bless our hearts we really thought we were cool.

Also, don’t you love how I felt the need to name everyone in the picture? Of course I’m glad I did this now because I can remember people better. Otherwise how would I ever known who I faked friendships with in pictures?! JUST KIDDING.

Last but not least is my favorite picture ever for a few reasons: 1) it redeems my bowl cut a little, 2) my attire is epic to the 90s, 3) I’m “raising the roof”. Can you get more 90s than that?! Also, pretty sure dancing has always been my calling in life. Clearly you can see this on my face.

IMG_3845My attire is so right on point with the 90s it makes me want to weep. Overalls. Scrunchie to match my outfit. Velcro band watch. (Because seriously was there anything better than that in middle school?!)

Thank goodness I have a sense of humor now or else I’d still be scarred for life from those awful middle school days. Even the people I thought were just SO COOL say they would like to forget middle school ever happened.

Next up in my treasure trove of a closet – pants that state I went to Maui for my senior trip. Except really all they say is Maui across my butt which brings me to WHY DID WE EVER WEAR THINGS THAT SAID CRAP ACROSS OUR BUTTS?! I mean, REALLY?!

IMG_4466I wore these weird yoga pants/leggings/I don’t even know OUT. There is a picture out there somewhere of me doing flips through the airport in those pants. I would pay money for someone to resurrect that picture. I am, however, wearing those pants in the following picture. Sadly, you can’t see them, but this picture is the best picture I have ever taken with one of my BFFs Lauren.5288_1173043561572_6054426_nShe’s going to kill me and I cannot wait.

I also found my camp uniform from 2002. It, too, is monogrammed.

IMG_4344And how about this puffed paint pillowcase from 2001? I mean nothing says a good night’s rest like crunchy, hard pant on your face. Am I right?!

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It only took me about three hours but VOILA! Here it is in all it’s clean and wonderful glory.

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When the children came in at the end (because I called them to my room to sing my praises because I was desperate for someone to exclaim how awesome I was) they were shocked and in awe of their momma’s amazingness.

IMG_3799Here is another view of the closet. Doesn’t that look so wonderful and neat and beautiful because NOTHING IS ON TOP OF THE DRESSER except what I deemed appropriate.

IMG_3789I had a stack of clothes on the bed that I asked Andy to put up last night….

IMG_3825I will like to inform y’all that I may or may not have had homicidal thoughts for a moment. Apparently when I started breathing in a bag he realized the error of his ways and the dresser is clean once again.

I would also like to point out that while cleaning Andy’s side of the closet I realized he hoarded things as well. He had a grand total of 56 hats and 28 pairs of cargo shorts. I can’t even, y’all. Who has a need for all of that?! He also owes 10 or so maroon polos. He should win an award for most owned cargo shorts and hats.

I almost slept in my closet last night. In fact, I wish I had of slept in there – maybe everyone would have left me alone at all hours of the night. HA!

Hope my awkward middle school photos brought you great joy today. Happy Wednesday!

 

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