Category Archives: Ryder’s Heart

stopping the silence

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Well, it is Congenital Heart Defects Awareness week- has been since the 7th. I’ve been going back and forth about this post… starting it, then deleting, then starting again since the 7th.

You see, I have loved being able to share resources with my friends on my social network pages, but I’ve kept it surface level. Just sharing articles and facts others have shared before me.  But I have NOT wanted to write about it here for various reasons.

One, I am trying to make this blog less depressing (ha) than it was last year. (Just don’t mind my last post!)

Two, I feel like maybe people are tired of hearing about it. Sometimes I’m totally tired of talking about it.

Three, I just don’t want to go there. I don’t want to go back to that dark place. I don’t want to think about how I almost lost my precious baby. I don’t want to feel the anger towards the doctors who refused to help us, the doctors whose arrogance almost cost her life. I don’t want to feel the disappointment of when the first procedure was a fail. I don’t want to feel the fear and sheer panic of giving my baby over to surgeons to put her on a bypass, stop her heart, cut her chest open, open her chest cavity and work on her non-beating heart. I can’t… just can’t… stand to think of seeing her for the first time and her being strapped to a tiny table with wires coming out of everywhere screaming in unbearable pain in this eerily hoarse voice because of the breathing tube. Even more so, I just can’t feel that ache to hold her and comfort her but the sound of my voice and my touch causing her even more pain.

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But, you know what else I can’t stand?

I can’t stand the SILENCE surrounding Congenital Heart Defects. I can’t stand the fact that it is THE MOST COMMON BIRTH DEFECT and yet NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT! Not once did I read in all of my pregnancy books about it. They never advised me in the wealth of sometimes silly knowledge that I should get the ultrasound tech to do a detailed heart scan   at the 20 week ultrasound. It never once mentioned heart defects. Not once.

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I hear over and over again from other heart moms that they were shocked into the CHD world, like me, because of their own babies’ defects.

How can that be if it is the most common birth defect?????? Can anyone tell me this????

So, I won’t be silent. I will go there and feel all the pain, fear, anger, and darkness.

Because I also got to feel the ultimate joy when my baby was deemed “fixed”. I got to feel love from my friends and family and total strangers who reached out to me and prayed over Ryder. I got to fall back onto my faith in Jesus Christ that no matter what happened- whether she lived or died that day- that He was the Healer in more ways than one and would comfort me and give me peace no matter the outcome. And I truly believe/believed that. I knew He carried me through those moments and He still carries me through any darkness that creeps back in.

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And I want YOU, whoever you are, to be able to feel that joy too. If talking about it and telling whoever will listen about it and beating it to death saves ONE life, wouldn’t it be more than worth it?!

I love when I hear that my friends made sure their kids got pulse-ox tests before leaving the hospital. It gives me such a surge of joy. I can’t even explain how much it thrills me.

I LOVE when I am contacted by friends to reach out to other heart moms. I hate that those people are going through it, but I love being able to just send a message (whether they ever respond back or not I could care less) encouraging them and sending them Bible verses that carried me through my time in that darkness. People did that for me, and now I will return the favor the rest of my life.

So, thank you for praying for me back then, and thank you for still listening to me reflect back on that scary time in our lives.

You’ll hear about it again, too, because I just can’t be silent on something that is so important to me and my family’s lives. We want to save babies like Ryder because the only people you can count on are the ones to pray over you and tell you about things that even doctors fail to educate you on. I want that to stop here. Or at least be a start to ending.

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I want people to have silly, giggly, cheesy toddlers filling their homes with joy and love and laughter like I am so blessed to have in my own home.

THIS article is the best I’ve seen in the world of CHD awareness. Please take a second to read!

 

smarty pants

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Well. I’d like to formally apologize for my post yesterday. It was a little too feisty, I think.

It is the non-sleeping thing. It is getting to me.

This morning Rory woke up at 4. And she decided she wanted the entire house to be up with her. Ryder can’t hang with that mess, so she passed out sitting straight up at Walmart this morning. Everyone was giggling because it was so cute.

On the way to school this morning Rory started asking for her most favorite song on earth.

Rory: Mommy! Mommy! I wanna sing “never eber eber getting back ‘gether”! (Taylor Swift song… I know, I know. She is obsessed with that song. And it is hilarious.)

Me: I don’t know where that CD is, I will have to find it.

Rory: (In a voice like “duh”) It’s before the E F G, Mom!

Now. I sat there for a second like…

?

And then I realized she meant in the alphabet.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sorry, but I’m still giggling about this.

It’s horrifying to think that at 2 years old she is already smarter than me.

My brain cells have been seriously at a minimum since having children and I can just say that Rory absorbed them all while I was carrying her. That makes me feel better.

Today was another day at home with Ryder. She won’t be going back to school until January because of how the flu outbreak is going and the way vacation and Christmas fall.

Let me tell y’all something.

I forgot how easy it is with just one child. And Ryder is the easiest. She plays SO WELL by herself. She actually prefers it. I’ve been cracking up at her playing with her babies while Rory isn’t here. I guess she is trying to make up for not having Rory so she’s been playing with them more while she is gone.

Also, she LOVES to dress up. She’s finally able to wear the princess dress up shoes and she thinks she is something else, y’all.

It is so rare that I have Ryder by herself and I have enjoyed every second with this girl.

Yesterday I started packing for the big vacation and the girls saw their swim suits, so naturally they had to wear them.

Ryder’s scar was peaking out from the bathing suit and Rory (who has seen this scar every day for a year) said, “Mommy, why Ryder got a boo boo?” and she kept rubbing it.

I told her that she had to get her little heart fixed because she had a big hole in it.

 Rory the thinker said, “well…. her need a bandaid?”. I told her that she did (kinda) get a bandaid on it and that it was all better.

Rory thinks another second and says, “Ryder, I so glad you heart all better!” and kissed the scar.

Insert a lot of happy Momma tears. It was such a precious moment. It is easy to forget these days. Obviously, I will never forget. It is easier now to not dwell on it, which is a good thing. But sometimes I definitely need reminders to show how good our God is and all He has done for us. Because we have come SO FAR. I know I say that all the time, but man it was such a dark, hard place. Life can get hard and mundane now with Andy’s crazy work schedule and the no sleep and etc etc etc. But my children are healthy, only by the Grace of God and these little reminders help me to see the bigger picture. These moments help me step back and realize that, yes, I am oh so exhausted but also oh so blessed. Blessed even seems like an understatement, but no words would ever be able to describe my gratitude towards all that God has given me and all the Grace He has shed on my life. It is never ending and I will be thanking Him the rest of my life for healing her heart AND mine. And I will pray without ceasing that my girls’ hearts will be truly healed one day so they can be eternally thankful for His Grace as well.

Day 22: Letting Go and Feeling It

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There are times in your life when you just put your head down, stifle your feelings, and keep going even if it kills you. And then there are times when something rises to the surface suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere- experiences, feelings, memories- and all you can do is just feel it. 

This afternoon the girls and I played outside (this weather is glorious) as we have been doing every day. I just sat there and watched as they explored the yard- picking up leaves, throwing leaves, jumping in the leaves. I watched with pride and joy as Rory was showing Ryder how to throw the leaves in the air so they would land on their head and giggled out of pure joy when Ryder did it just as she was taught. Both girls, wide eyed and lost in the moment of fun, were in complete outside heaven. That is when I started to feel it rising up in me. I wasn’t sure at the time what I was feeling, but I felt a little weepy in a good way.

We came inside and put about 30 puzzles together (ha), and as I’m laying on my belly on the ground with Ryder crawling all over me and Rory with a determined look in her eye, I felt it again. I stopped and thought, “what in the world?”, as I teared up for no apparent reason.

After dinner and bath and all of the bedtime fun, I sat there with both girls on my lap singing to them and I just lost it completely. Tears ran down my face and I couldn’t finish the last part of “You Are My Sunshine”. Suddenly, I realized what it was.

Thankfulness. Praise. Gratitude. Awe. Indescribable love.

As Rory and Ryder stare at me and glance at each other like, “oh Lord, she’s lost it”, I just start giving them kisses. I kiss Rory’s sweet face all over and she giggles wildly. Then I start kissing Ryder, all the while tears are still pouring down my cheeks. The girls are laughing in delight, and I’m crying in delight.

As Ryder leans back with her deep laugh, I see a tiny peak of the scar on her chest and I can’t help but kiss there too. Tears continue to flow, but it comes from a different place than it used to. It comes from a place of happiness. A place of triumph and of wonder. It comes from a place of ultimate praise because I know I could never be here with these feelings and emotions if it weren’t for what God has done for us. He has healed Ryder and He has healed me from any anger or bitterness I could have had because of our experience. I’m not going to lie, there were times I wondered angrily “why me” when I thought about how my friend Erin’s baby had a hole that closed up and even harder was my sister Tasha’s baby who was born just two months before had a hole that closed up on its own as well. Of course I would have never wanted it to be them, I just wondered why Ryder’s had to be the one that wouldn’t close up, the valve that wouldn’t open.

But now I truly never wonder “why me”. I’m so thankful for our experience. I’m so thankful God allows days like today to remind me of all we have been through and all that we have overcome. And for me to just let go and feel it. 

This is my 17th post in the series of Letting Go. You can start at the beginning here.

There are over 1100 people participating in the Nester’s 31 Days challenge- go check out more here.

yes, I’m still here.

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Hi. Hello. How are ya?

Yes, I am still here.

I’ve had some complaints from family and relayed through people that I haven’t blogged in a while, so I thought I’d drop in.

Basically, life has consisted of going here and there and everywhere trying to stay busy and not lose my mind these past four weeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore my parents and if I had to live with anyone in the world it would be them. But it has been HARD, y’all. I knew it would be, but I didn’t realize just how hard, you know?

Part of the problem is that my girls, especially Rory, think that if they are at Mimi and Papa’s house that means that Mimi and Papa SHOULD BE HERE at all times. And both my parents work, so that has created quite the issue. Rory cries pretty much from the time they start getting ready until they get home. So its been stressful to say the least.

But it has also been fun. We have had really enjoyed getting to spend the nights with my parents and we have spent so many days with my sister and her kids. So that part has been really fun. Honestly, it is just hard to even think about the good things during the day when kids are screaming and Rory is begging me to go to school, church, home, etc. And it breaks my heart when she asks to see her friends. BREAKS IT.

So, I’m losing my mind a little, but sweet mercy, we are moving into our house this weekend! Woohoo!!!!! I’m so excited! And I got both girls into schools so things will start to get back to normal very soon.

I can see the light and you better believe I’m going right towards it!

But, I will tell y’all that even though I’ve been in a fog and feel like time is standing still, it quite obviously isn’t because Ryder has blossomed into a busy, independent, strong-willed, basically toddler.

She is pulling up and cruising all over the place. She’s talking so much more- saying new words like bird, stop, don’t, jump, ni-ni (night night), go, etc.

 It has been amazing to see her blossom. Because, I will be really honest with you, I still struggle with feeling defeated when it comes to Ryder sometimes. I feel like she’s behind or I worry she is going to struggle. I know she’s “fixed”, but the truth is, she will never be 100% fixed. We will always have to go to the cardiologist at least once a year to make sure the patch hasn’t “sprung a leak” as they say, or that her Pulminory Valve hasn’t closed again. I still grieve over the fact that she had to have such a rough start anyways. I grieve for myself that I had to have that heart ache. There’s no way I’d ever be able to explain it accurately in words as to how much that time from her birth to her surgery to all the struggles after it literally broke my heart. I feel like I’ve aged so much and I feel like no one really understands except from my friends who have been through it as well.

It is hard to know that people are probably thinking “get over it already” and knowing in my heart and mind that I won’t ever get over it. Every year at this time I will go through this gut wrenching feeling about how hard it was… and even describing it as “hard” seems like the biggest understatement in the entire world.

And then I ache with everything in me for parents who have had it much worse than me like my friend, Rachel, who lost her heart baby, Weston. Like a friend I knew in middle school/high school who just lost their precious baby, Carlie. I used to imagine that that might happen to me, but I can’t possibly even close to imagine what they are going through and will go through for the rest of their lives.

So, yes, I’m in a bit of a “fog” right now. I’m having a hard time. I’m struggling.

But I know that it is okay to struggle. I know that I’m not exempt from hurt. And I know Jesus allows for us to grieve and to get stronger because of it.

Please be praying for us in our transition as it has been hard. And please, please pray for the Calvert’s who just lost their baby.

Thank y’all for being such a wonderful support through everything. I’m sorry I have neglected the blog, it is just a hard time right now. But I will be back and have lots of stinker updates for you very soon!

Happy 1st Birthday, Ryder!

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I am ONE YEAR OLD today!

As you can see, I have started pulling up! Mommy and Daddy had to lower my bed!

I have had the best couple of weeks with Mommy AND Daddy at home! I’m really starting to love on Daddy more and not be such a Momma’s girl.

I started really crawling the past week or so. I still scoot a lot, but if I really want to go fast (like when I try to get away from mom and dad!), I will get on all fours and go!

I’m a mischievous little stinker like my big sister, Rory. My favorite word is “no” and I think it is so funny when someone tells me “no”. I think mom and dad are scared!

Here are my stats for one year:

- 18 lbs and 31 inches long! I grew FOUR inches since 9 months! I’m going to be tall!

- Eating like a champ. FINALLY! I love almost all table foods and am such a good eater! Although, mommy gave me refried beans tonight and I screamed and pitched a big fit about it. They were nasty!

- Wearing 6-9 mo clothes. I’m really starting to catch up!

- Size 2 shoe and size 3 diapers.

- Saying “no”, “dada”, “momma”, “dog”, “ball”, “whoa”, “Jers”… and shaking my head “no” whenever someone asks me a question. I think this is hilarious!

- Sleeping THROUGH THE NIGHT 7pm to at least 6:15am. (Hallelujah and amen! Now if we could get Rory to sleep… ha!)

Here I am from birth to 12 months- can you believe how much I’ve grown?!

I can’t wait to see what this next year brings!

Thank you for being there for all of us this year and praying for me! I’m one tough little girl and am feeling so wonderful all the time now!

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Dear Ryder,

I honestly can’t believe its been a year since you were born. Time has gone by so slow and too fast all at the same time. When you were little I thought we’d never get to this day, and now I can’t believe we are here, celebrating your first year.

I talk a lot about how hard this year has been, but I want you to know that it has been the most precious year of my life as well. You have taught me so much in such a short amount of time. I have a new sense of faith and hope that I would have never experienced had we not had you. I have experienced a peace beyond understanding, a peace I had no idea existed. When I handed you off to the surgeon, my body was flooded with that peace and comfort because I knew you were God’s child and He was with you and with me in our darkest hour.

Because of you I have experienced friendship like never before as well. People flooded me with kindness and love. Friends prayed for us without ceasing. They were there for me, encouraging me and asking others to pray for you. I realized what true friendship was and also found out what a Christian family really is.

I learned about patience and calmness this year after your birth. There was no other way with you besides to have patience and remain calm in the chaos around me those months before surgery and right after.

I learned how to be a better mom, wife, friend, sister, etc. I learned about letting go of things that hurt me in the past and moving on with relationships to make them better and closer.

And probably the most important lesson I have learned is to let go. That was a hard lesson for me to learn, but as soon as I finally, truly gave you to the Lord everything seemed to come into place. Though it was still so hard to see you so sick, I knew that God was going to take care of our family no matter what. Of course I pleaded with Jesus as you walked through those surgery unit doors to not take you away forever… oh, how I pleaded. But I knew that even if He did that I would be blessed for giving you to Him completely.

I am so thankful that God worked miracles in your life and healed you completely. I am so thankful for the smile He gave you at such an early age (no exaggeration, by one month you were “social” smiling… we have so many witnesses to this miracle) that helped me remain positive and hopeful. I can’t express how thankful I am that even with tubes running out of you from everywhere, you still always had a smile on your face. It surely kept a smile on mine.

Now, at one, you are the most precious, happy “baby” that has ever lived! Your personality has just blossomed and you are so hilarious. You have a major flare for the dramatics and are always keeping us in stitches. You are very strong-willed and independent. I never thought you’d be as strong-willed as Rory, but I think you have her beat now! You and Rory are so much a like, its scary at times! Rory is your best friend, and you are hers, and you two have the best time together. Y’all wrestle, giggle, hug, fight, and love on each other all day long. You both keep me on my toes and I love every second even though it’s so exhausting.

You have taught me and many others so much this year about God’s power and amazing, grace-filled love for us. I wouldn’t change a single thing because I know it has made us a closer family and me a better person.

I promise to never forget to treasure you and to never forget what we went through and overcame by the grace of God. Thank you for giving me the most amazing year of my life.

I love you more than words could ever say,

Mommy

 

 

 

Ryder’s 1st Birthday Party

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Last Monday I decided to have Ryder’s 1st birthday party on Saturday. It was insanely last minute and I worked my butt off all week to get ready.

Here’s a picture of the invite:

I absolutely love this picture of Ryder- the epitome of joy!

It was supposed to be a splash party and I had set out a water fight table (balloons, guns, etc), a bubble table, a slip n slide, a pool and the water table for everyone to play in.

And then about 30 minutes before the party started it decided to POUR. I was so disappointed! So the party was inside and pretty chaotic but we still had fun. I am mad at myself for not taking more pictures, but I just wanted to enjoy the day with my friends and not stress about the perfect picture.

On our mantle I hung all of Ryder’s monthly pictures. It was SO cute. I’m so glad I took pictures each month of both girls. I will always treasure those!

Ryder was SO funny eating her cake. She just stared at it a minute, put her finger in it, stared at her finger, licked it, and started the process over again. It took her FOREVER to eat any of it and she wasn’t a fan of it being all over her!

This is her “whoa” / excited face.

Rory had a blast too! She loved every second of our house being full with friends and chaos!

I asked on the invite for people to bring travel size items for the families in the CICU at Medical City where Ryder had her surgery instead of presents. Of course, some people didn’t abide by that and got her some stuff anyways! She loves all her toys and books!

But I was overwhelmed by how much we got for the heart families. I can’t wait to get all the bags together and deliver them! I’m going to write out scripture that helped me during our time in the hospital with Ryder and write a note telling them that people care about them and are praying for them. God has blessed me with such great friends who were more than willing to go above what I imagined to help these families out!

This is only part of the donations!

I had such a great time celebrating Ryder’s birthday with our friends here. And we have so much to celebrate!

This week is VBS at church and I’m teaching the 3 and 4  year olds… I am BEAT. Seriously, I’m so tired! Hopefully I can make it until Thursday! :)

heart walk, fish fry, and paybacks

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Its been a crazy weekend!

Where do I even begin??

All last week we were busy with playdates, doctor appointments, and mother’s day out days.

Then on Thursday night my friends asked if I wanted to do the heart walk in town on Saturday. I had no idea it was that day, but was excited to get to do it!

Then my friends decided to make shirts for us…

and y’all. I may or may not have ugly cried when they decided on the design…

Here we are ready for the walk- Misty and Peyton, Kayla and Emma, and me with Ryder and Rory- I am so thankful for these friends. They’ve been amazing to me this year!

Rory was super excited too!

Both girls had a nasty cold so I’m going to get cute pictures of them in their shirts once their noses aren’t nasty 24/7.

After the heart walk we went to our Sunday School department’s fish fry! It was such a fun time. I can’t tell you how blessed I am to be apart of this group of people. They, too, have been such amazing friends to me this year and since we’ve been going there. We had a wonderful time getting to socialize and laugh together.

Speaking of laughing…

Let me tell you about my pastor. Here he is with his sweet, lovely wife Deanne-

Now, remember, I said SHE was sweet.

A few weeks ago, this pastor of mine came up to me after church and half-whispers, “Hey, is that your breath or did you just fart?”

Then he starts giggling and I’m trying not to puke from being ABSOLUTELY mortified. He says there’s some YouTube video out there about this (google it if you’re curious) and thats where he got it from.

He thought he was so hilarious.

But apparently he didn’t know me as well as he thought he did.

Because everyone knows I’m going to get you back if you prank me.

So I got him back.

And I have laughed until it hurt about it.

You can ask Cassidy and Lori about it- they witnessed my giggling fits.

I walked around ALL DAY LONG with a giant goober grin on my face that day.

So there’s two things to learn from this:

1) Don’t mess with me unless you can take a payback.

2) I’m now in constant fear when I’m at church because our church is televised and I know that heifer pastor of mine is going to be cruel and call me out during one of the televised services.

But that’s ok. I’m one of those people who can dish it AND take it.

Happy Monday!

spaghetti and baths

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This week I gave Ryder spaghetti for the first time.

To say she loved it would be an understatement of epic proportions.

She couldn’t get it in her mouth fast enough! She ended up eating every single bite and I gave her a lot thinking some of it would be thrown away. It was hilarious to watch her scarfing it down! She’s gotten so good about eating when it comes to real food. Bottles are still a struggle, but what’s new?!

After the spaghetti mess I threw both girls in the tub and gave them a big bubble bath. I tried and tried… and failed and failed to get their picture together. Again, what’s new?

But both girls absolutely loves baths and especially bubble baths so it was a lot of fun!

And as if Rory didn’t look enough like Andy as it is… check her out with a goatee!

I swear they are twins.

Ryder loves the bath too. She’s such a stinker though. She will face dive into the water and thinks its hilarious. She also LOVES to splash Rory and I right in the face.

Don’t let that innocent face fool ya!

She really is a little stinker, just like her big sister! :)

How impressive is her scar… or actually, lack of scar?! Isn’t it amazing how faded it is already? Part of me is sad because that’s our battle wound and such a sweet reminder that we WON the battle. But my heart is scarred with it too, so it’ll never leave even after hers fades completely.

Unfortunately, and you can kind of tell from those pictures, Ryder isn’t feeling so hot today. I’m betting my money that she has an ear infection.

And an even bigger bummer is that the ONLY doctor that can see us is the doctor we switched from. So I’m all kinds of nervous about the appointment and trying to figure out what in the world I’m supposed to say when confronted about the whole thing.

I hate confrontation. I was hoping I’d never see the man again for as long as I live! ha! And there’s no chance of him not remembering me because we were up there every single day it seemed like for MONTHS. Plus, hello, how many girl Ryders are there who’ve had heart surgery?! Dear goodness. I’m hoping to just be able to explain in a nice way that he just wasn’t aggressive enough for us and be able to have a nice visit. I LOOOOOVE his nurses so much and have missed them. Seriously, I was up there practically every day so I felt like they were family and that was the hardest part of my decision to move doctors.

We have such a huge weekend planned so I have no choice but to see him so I gotta suck it up and be a grown up I guess. ha!

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

(PS: Don’t forget to enter the giveaway! The more you do/comment, the more chances you have to win!)

Easter 2012

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We had a crazy busy but fun Easter weekend!

Rory’s first official Easter Egg Hunt was on Friday. She had a blast! She was so fast finding eggs and I caught her stiff arming some people to get to them before anyone else could! Ha!

I absolutely love this picture- I managed to capture her “oh my goodness there is CANDY in the eggs!” face. Ryder is making her “get me the heck out of this stroller” face.

Ryder had fun, too, just being her usual happy, cute self.

The only pictures I managed to get of our family over Easter weekend…

Ryder is captured perfectly in both- making crazy faces. The kid is a comedian already, y’all.

Saturday we did stuff around the house and ran errands. I had a Thirty-One party Saturday night and it was so much fun!

Sunday we woke to see what the Easter Bunny brought the kids! Ryder got woken up before 7am and wasn’t too thrilled about the whole thing at first.

Then Rory completely melted down pretty much the entire morning so I didn’t get any good pictures. Oh well!

At the last minute before we headed to church I decided to throw the girls in the rocker and see if I could get a picture. It rained all day so I knew I wouldn’t be getting any outside pictures so that was my last ditch attempt.

My Easter girls, they are so precious and fun!

Let me tell you something. There is NOTHING like being the mother of all girls. They are sweet and sassy, bright and dramatic, energetic and loveable. I always pictured myself as a “all boy” mom because I was a tom boy of sorts growing up. But as you can tell by Rory’s legs, they are just as rough and tumble as little boys but have cuter clothes! ;) Now I can’t picture myself having anything other than girls. I love all the clothes and bows and shoes and purses. I love how they can still get dirty and have fun but also love to dress up. I love that they aren’t wimpy but still need me to snuggle them and kiss their bruises. And I LOVE the look in their eye when Daddy tells them they are beautiful. Nothing lights Rory up more than that and I remember feeling the same when my dad would tell me that.

The rest of Easter was spent with friends who are more like family and resting. We had a WONDERFUL day!

I think Easter is my favorite holiday. Christmas is wonderful but it wouldn’t mean anything at all without Easter. How miraculous Jesus’ death and resurrection is! All day I was reminded over and over how miraculous our year has been. I looked at my girls with wonder at His power. I looked at Ryder’s scar poking out from her beautiful dress and get chills at how Jesus has worked in my life this year during such heartache and dark days.

And its all because He has RISEN and is a LIVING God that I can face every storm with hope and can praise Him through the darkest hours.

 ”Because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead, your faith and hope can be placed confidently in God.” 1 Peter 1:21

Hope y’all had a wonderful Easter!

six months later

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5

Its late at night, I hear Andy snoring in the background along with the two monitors buzzing in their threatening tone that any second a baby will cry. I’m alone in my thoughts, with only the computer screen as a light into the room. I have tears streaming down my face as I’m reading previous posts about this time six months ago. I’ve been avoiding looking back because I want to be moving forward in my life instead of stuck beside that hospital bed where my sweet baby laid for so many days. But for whatever reason, tonight seemed to be the night I couldn’t avoid it any longer.

First, I clicked on facebook and started reading all of my statuses and, more importantly, the comments left under them. My tears stream harder as I realize I didn’t even know how many people were praying and sending me encouragement. I remember my phone buzzing so much from facebook notifications that I had to turn them off while I was in the hospital because it just got to be too much. I feel a pang of guilt that I didn’t personally answer every facebook message, email, text or call. I wish I could’ve been better about that, but I could only exert the energy to read them. I did read every single one of them though, through blurred vision from my tears, but I did read them and am so thankful for everyone who lifted us up when we needed it the most.

Then, I start clicking the links to my posts and reading them and the comments that were left. I am transported back to that hospital room and the feeling of being so alone and yet so loved all at the same time. I have never experienced such heartache and joy all at once.

I remember the events, which were a blur at the time, like they happened yesterday. Though six months isn’t very long in the scheme of life, it seems like a mixture of yesterday and a lifetime ago.

As I close my eyes, I can think back to the first time my radar went off that something seemed wrong in some sense. I remember how slow those two months before her surgery seemed to go. I remember her first procedure and the first time I had to hand her off to the nurse to be put under. I remember Dr. Lashus coming into the waiting room where Andy, my dad, and I were sitting and explaining to us that the procedure was a fail. I can vividly see the look in his eyes as he was trying to sound upbeat that told the truth, there wasn’t much hope for us avoiding open heart surgery at some point. I remember knowing with everything in me that something was so wrong a few weeks later and getting in early to see Dr. Pearse. I remember those long days and nights in the hospital before surgery that were so precious to me because I was able to just concentrate on helping Ryder get better and able to love on her without interruptions.

And oh, how I remember the morning of the surgery. I remember Andy and I holding Ryder together and praying over her. I remember having to hand her off to the anesthesiologist, Dr. Harris, and how sweet he was to me and to our baby girl. I can see the image of him crossing through those huge surgery doors that say boldly “DO NOT ENTER” and just pleading with God that the next time I saw her she’d be alive and well. I remember all those hours waiting during surgery and just trying to distract myself from the fact that my two month old daughter was laying there with her chest open not breathing on her own.

I remember them wheeling her bed past us and letting us look at her for a mere moment before transporting her into the CICU. I remember how frail she was and how I couldn’t even see her face because of all the tubes and wires.

And then when we finally got called into the CICU to be with her, I remember not being able to breathe because of how bad she looked. She was screaming in agony and they just could not manage her pain. I remember being sick to my stomach because the sound of my voice and my touch hurt her even more. Let me tell you, there isn’t much worse to a mother than the fact that not only can you not do anything for your daughter, but you can’t even talk around her or touch her. Those days were so long in the CICU and I became so emotionally numb during them. I hated hearing and seeing babies crash around me, and hated even more seeing their precious parents weeping and pleading for a miracle.

-Surgery pictures-

The only picture I got the first day after surgery because she finally was calm for a moment. I just couldn’t bare to take her picture while she was in so much pain.

First time seeing her the next day, and to us, she looked so much better.

Our sweet nurse who loved on Ryder most of our stay in CICU.

First feeding after surgery.

Holding her for the first time, which was such a challenge because of the chest tube, but our nurse figured out a way to do it.

Andy feeding her for the first time.

Finally, after two days, figured out the exact cocktail of pain meds to help her relax and settle down.

Ryder’s heart surgeon and God’s miracle hands, Dr. Mendeloff.

The difference between a few months ago and now is that now I can fast forward to the end without pausing forever to look at and analyze every detail of what went wrong and if it was somehow my fault. I always hesitate over the images of Ryder after surgery, because it is something that will be forever etched into my mind and soul, but I can finally move forward past that.

For so many months after surgery Ryder still wasn’t well and I think that, in large part, contributed to my being “stuck”, but now Ryder is thriving and gaining weight and eating so well and there is so much peace that comes with that. There were times that I honestly didn’t know if that day would ever come.

We now have a story to tell. A story of mercy and grace that is unimaginable in power. We can tell others how the community of Christ is a tight circle and people will lift you up in times of trouble. They will flee to your side and help you through every step. And they will pray for you, oh how they will pray for you, to have peace and comfort through your storm.

I know this because so many did it for me and my family. I can tell you with the utmost certainty that I would have never made it through the hardest days of my life without each of you who prayed for my family and sent me encouragement in the form of Scripture. Because when you are going through your worst nightmare, Satan is very near to you, putting negative thoughts and images in your head every single second. But my friends were there showing Jesus to me and reminding me to stay positive.

So today, six months after Ryder’s surgery, I will celebrate our struggle. I will praise Jesus’ name all day long for carrying us through and building our testimony to better His kingdom. Because that’s really what its all about and all that it comes down to- growing the Kingdom of Christ.

Thank you for being such a huge part of our story.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:17-19

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