Category: hilarious adventures

stanky breath

Last week Rory had her adenoids taken out and her ear tubes redone. This is my 4th time sending a child off to surgery and let me tell y’all something- IT ISN’T FUN.

Rory did great though. First they gave her a “sleepy” medicine to help sedate her before putting her IV in.

Girlfriend has my tendencies to medicine. She was winking at the anesthesiologist and grabbing the air trying to catch “flutter flies”. Andy and I were so tickled watching her get silly. Gloria the Hippo (Rory’s BFF) and her new Monkey named GooGoo during the silly meds had to go to surgery with her. I loved knowing that she would wake up with her Gloria next to her since Gloria doesn’t ever leave her side.

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She did so great during surgery and was sweet as pie for a good hour or so afterwards…

showing off her “magic tube” which later was deemed a snake bite…

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she also absolutely COULD NOT walk and had to have a “sling” for her arm

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and then suddenly she turned into pretty much the grumpiest kid on the planet.

Now, I know- I KNOW- she just had surgery so of course she will be grumpy…

but y’all don’t even understand. She took it to ANOTHER LEVEL.

I’d like to say the grumpiness ended that day but SWEET MERCY NO.

Also. I’d really like to hit the doctor in the face for telling me that she would sleep better because I’ve had NO SLEEP this week.

I’m still hopeful.

Probably because I’m an idiot.

She’s finally started to feel like herself again and things are starting to get back to normal.

Still zero sleep, but again…

I’m hopeful because I’m an idiot.

One thing I didn’t have any way to prepare for was the breath.

Lord help me, THE BREATH.

Poor Rory is totally going to have to have extra therapy from the gags and sour faces I make when she asks for a big ol’ kiss…

BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT RIGHT NOW.

I heard from some sweet friends how bad it was and so I thought I was prepared.

NO. NOT AT ALL. NO NO NO NO NO.

Not prepared.

I was driving this weekend with the girls in the car and they were whistling (don’t get me started on how much I love their ability to whistle at ages 2 and 3…) and I kept smelling this nasty smell and I thought there was poop somewhere in the car.

Then I realized it was Rory’s breath.

YES IT IS THAT BAD.

I had to roll down the windows.

I just gagged again thinking about it.

So here is a poem (actually its a song) I’d like to dedicate to help describe Rory’s breath right now…

Yo’ breath be kickin’,

Like rotten chicken.

The end.

She keeps randomly saying, “Momma! Something stinks!” and it takes everything in me to not say, “Honey, that’s your upper lip.” like we used to in middle school.

Bless her heart.

So between the stanky breath and gags I’ve also had some fun with friends lately.

The fact that I have friends is shocking, I know.

HA

Anyways.

My friends Christy and Abby had birthdays the past two weeks and we celebrated both.

Now let me tell y’all something.

Getting these heifers to take a picture comes with a lot of groaning.

(*ahem* Julianne *ahem*)

But I make them do it anyway so I can have proof that I have a friends.

No they weren’t hired.

First was Christy’s birthday. Great quality photo right there, folks.

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Then this week we celebrated Abby’s 30th birthday. Now Friday night we were supposed to have a surprise party for her but that was a big ol’ fail and she ended up finding out Friday afternoon. I blame her husband, Josh, just FYI. I mean… someone has to be blamed right?!

After the party we went Glow Bowling and y’all- it was THE MOST FUN.

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While we were there I thought I’d bless my friend with a little pregnancy photo shoot. Isn’t that precious of me?!

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You’re welcome, Julianne.

It wouldn’t be a night out with Tiffany if there weren’t craziness happening around us.

To which I say- WHY DON’T I HAVE MY REALITY SHOW YET?!

The lane I was on kept breaking down and obviously it was all my fault.

You would also love to know that though we are “mature adults” we still giggled every.single.time the word “ball” was said. Our husbands would have been so proud.

Next time we go bowling I promise to bless everyone with the gift of Andy. I mean seriously, THAT IS A GIFT.

Have a great week, y’all! Can’t wait to enjoy this fantastic weather!

—-

PS- You can now find my blog on Bloglovin! Just click the link below or search The Harris Life there! I wasn’t a fan of Google Reader so didn’t think I’d like bloglovin but OH DO I EVER. I’m excited to use it and for y’all to follow the blog there!

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a list because I’m too tired to be witty.

Y’all. I’m so overwhelmingly behind on posting I don’t even know where to start.

So I shall make a list. Because why not?

1. Last weekend I got to attend the Lifeway event dotMom in Chattanooga. It was one of those weekends where I just felt so many burdens I carry as a mom taken from me and left at the feet of Jesus. I just can’t say enough. Usually when moms get together, especially in large masses, it seems like the entire time we are trying to compare our kids with each other and compete to see who has the best sleeper/eater/napper/behavior/cartwheel. I mean it is just down right ridiculous the things we care about. My favorite statement was this – “Our goal is not to get our kids to behave well but to love Jesus without abandon.” IS THAT NOT THE TRUTH?! I mean… I just can’t tell you how much that spoke right to my heart. Everyone who knows us at all knows we aren’t “precious” people. We aren’t quiet or subdued. We are loud and FUN and crazy. My kids will never be the people who just sit and stare at a wall. They are going to be the ones who have to be corrected over and over. They are the ones who make fart noises and say things like, “I HAVE TO POOP RIGHT NOW MOM!”, during church. I just feel like I’ve gotten to the point, after having a hard time accepting the non-preciousness of my children, that I am now embracing it. They might not sit still ever but they are hilarious and wonderful in their own stinkerish ways. I’m totally okay with that.

Anyways. I also wanted to add that I worked for Lifeway as a “volunteer extraordinaire” and loved every second of it. I loved getting to talk with all the moms from all over and tell them how fantastic the book was that they were purchasing (even sometimes when I hadn’t read them…). My friend Amber and I ran a register and it was pretty epic how many times we got an error on the computer. Johnny was our leader and he was hilarious too. He made up this story about how I was a stalker and it was pretty fantastic. On Friday night I got to meet and talk to Jen Hatmaker, Melanie Shankle, and Sophie Hudson and y’all it tickled me to death. They were all SO SO SO nice and wonderful to their fans.

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2. I had a “Debbie” moment while in Chattanooga. (Debbie is my momma and I definitely get my laughter and embarrassing moments from her.)

I had taken a z-quil to ensure a good night’s rest on my first night in the hotel. I’m a bit skiddish about staying alone in a hotel room, you see. Well, I woke up needing to use the restroom about 3 am. As I’m walking back to my bed, I heard this loud “Shhhhhhhhhlump” and a little knock on the door and then something touched my foot. Well. Naturally, I SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER.  Then I looked down and realized it was just the checkout papers that they slide under the door in the middle of the night. The funny part is that the lady who slipped it under the door screamed out as well and fell on the ground. I looked out the peephole and saw her laying on the ground, holding her chest. Apparently I scared the mess out of her with my scream. I kinda felt bad so I yelled, “I’m so sorry!” and she yelled back, “It’s okay! I hope I don’t get fired!” HA HA. Then I went to bed and laughed for a good hour.

3. Ryder had a big cardiologist appointment yesterday! Her pulmonary valve is closing over time and eventually (doctor thinks in about two years) she will need a balloon cath done. I’m just so thankful it wasn’t right now. I know I say this all the time, but God is so good and He knows exactly what we need and when we need it. He cares for my girls more than I will ever be able to. That gives me so much peace and hope.

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4. Rory has been on non-stop ear infection mode since May pretty much. So this next week she will have her adenoids removed and her tubes redone. Hopefully it’ll be an easy recovery like the last time. And hopefully she will sleep better.

Because they told me she would and PLEASE SWEET LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME and let it be true! Girlfriend is wearing me OUT.

5. Friday morning I got a text from Andy. It was amazing. I’m still laughing.

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Let’s discuss. One: Andrew clearly has amazing texting skillz. Two: I’m loving how he just gives up after a quick brush. Three: LOOK AT HER FACE. Misery. Four: That is the only dress Andy puts on the child. Which is hilarious.

By the time I got home on Sunday the girls, especially Rory because she actually has hair, looked a HOT MESS. Andrew, poor thing, doesn’t quite understand that the children have to have baths while momma is gone. I did some major scrubbing Sunday night. Bless it.

Here we are Sunday night… doesn’t she look…. dirty? haha!

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Side note: Friday was picture day. Fantastic!

But in all seriousness, I’m just so thankful Andy took care of them this weekend so I could go on a little (much needed!) retreat. They might have been dirty but who cares?! They are alive and had a blast with their daddy!

And thank goodness, they are now clean and have pretty hair again!

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because why not? : Football Weekend Lovelies

This past weekend was a weekend we had been anticipating for SO LONG. It was the opening home game for our MS State Bulldogs!

And, oh. We HAD A PLAN.

We decided we would take the girls to experience their very first football game at Davis Wade Stadium, because surely there is nothing on earth better.

I usually would describe myself as a “prepared mom” and all that jazz, but NOTHING ON EARTH could have prepared me the HOTNESS OF SEPTEMBER 7TH, 2013.

Have mercy.

Which, by the way, I feel is hilarious since I’ve lived in the south almost my entire life, but on occasion the southern heat still astounds me.

Rory was a champ. She didn’t complain about the heat even one time.

Ryder, on the other hand, BARELY SURVIVED.

“MOMMA IT IS HOOOOOOOT. I IS HOOOOOT.”

“I CAN’T MOMMA. I JUST CAN’T. I CAAAAAN’T. I HOT AND I CAAAAAN’T.”

“MOMMA MY WEGS NOT WORKIN ANYMORE. THEY ALMOST FALL OFF. IT SO HOOOOOT.”

I’m not making this up people. I heard it ALL DAY LONG. And believe me, I tried my hardest to make sure she was comfortable. She had water, juice, gatorade, etc etc etc, but nothing on earth could save Ryder from the heat.

AND SHE WAS ANGRY ABOUT IT.

She also absolutely loved the game. If it hadn’t of been so hot they would have been wonderful. Ryder cheered her heart out yelling, “Go! State! GO STATE!”, over and over again. It was priceless.

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Rory loved it too, she’s just not as vocal as Ryder about it. Yes, you heard that correctly. Ryder has decided all of a sudden that SHE NEVER NEEDS TO EVER SHUT UP.

And I say that with much much love in my heart. She seriously woke up one day and hasn’t stopped talking even for a second. She talks your head off all the time.

Rory loved tailgating for a little bit and loved being a “cheerweader”.

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Ryder was TOO HOT to cooperate with any pictures.

At one point I lost Andy…. or rather HE lost me because he ran off to sell some extra tickets we had for oh, FIVE HOURS. Or just two hours. But still.

So there I was alone with two kids and I realized the game started an hour and a half later than I was told and I thought I was going to pass out right then and there because woowee I was tired of the girls and the heat and OH THE DRAMA of it all.

So the girls and I made our way to Barnes and Noble at the Junction (thank sweet Jesus for that place. seriously.) and read 109234023 books and did other random silly things to pass the time.

Which may or may not have included me drinking a coke and laying on the floor in the children’s section while two heifers jumped all over me.

I WAS IN SURVIVAL MODE.

At one point, right before the game, I was in line with the girls and there was a guy standing in front of us with his kid.

Ryder for some reason thought it was Andy (which lets give her a break- from her view the dude had hairy legs and cargo shorts so DUH ITS DAD) so she kept touching him.

Now. It was embarrassing enough when she was touching the back of his hairy legs but THEN…

oh but then…

she decided to rub her hand on his butt then between his legs in almost a cupping motion to his nether regions …

And y’all. Dude clenched and jumped so fast I think he nearly hurt something.

AND I ABOUT PASSED OUT RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

To make matters worse, I’m apologizing and he’s kinda laughing and making remarks like “yeah I know kids are weird” and then I go and open my big mouth and say, “SO SORRY, SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE HER DAD.”

And he looked at me like, “say what? that makes it better? that she cups her dad’s nether regions?”

And then I seriously could have crawled into a hole right then and there and never came out.

Ever.

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Dear Ryder. Please don’t ever do that again. K thanks.

So if that weren’t embarrassing enough…photo copy 17

Andrew and Rory spent a significant amount of time alone together and he taught her the word “shart”.

Don’t know what it is?
Look it up.

So

We went to go get ice cream on our way home and were having a lovely time trying to pick out the mass amount of toppings in the fro-yo place when Rory all of a sudden says, “WHO SHARTED?!”.

And, OF COURSE, it wouldn’t be my life if the place were empty or it fell on deaf ears.

Oh no.

Because why not?! I’ve already been embarrassed TO THE MAXIMUM LEVEL with all the fondling of the random men … so WHY NOT?!

The people in there almost sharted themselves, actually, from laughing so hard.

Like how I used it there?!

Oh yes they did. They laughed the entire time they got their fro yo. They laughed the entire time they checked out. They were crying from laughing. They laughed all the way home, I guarantee it.

So there you have it.

Because why not? : Football Weekend Lovelies Edition

or

Because why not? : Fondling and Sharting Edition

It’ll be a LONG, long, loooong, LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG time before we take the girls back for a hot weather game.

That is a fact.

At least we all look fantastic in Maroon!

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…….

Dear Rachel,

If you read this today I hope it made you laugh through all the tears. I love you and am praying for you today. Weston impacted so many, and because of your strong faith and your amazing character, you are continuing to let his story be an inspiration. From your marriage to your faith to the way you always have a smile on your face, you are such an inspiration to me.

I am so thankful for you. Survive today, His mercies are new each and every morning.

Tiffany

she’s alive!

As it turns out, I’m not so good at the whole blogging and full time jobbing thing. I shall try, try, try to do much better though because y’all know I just love this blog of mine.

That sounds so vain. But you understand what I’m saying.

This week was even crazier than usual for many reasons, but one major reason was because I went to the Backstreet Boys concert! Holla!

Now. Let me just say that Backstreet Boys were big when I was growing up but I wasn’t really a fan of them because NSYNC was my jam. I loved them so much. I still do. Sigh.

Anyways- Backstreet put on a good concert and it was fun having a girls night out!

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This weekend has also been an usual/crazy weekend. The girls went to my sister’s house Saturday and stayed the night with my parents Saturday night because Andy was helping move the new pastor and his family into their new house here. I had a great time that afternoon getting to know the new pastor’s wife a little better in the mix of the craziness of boxes. I always realize later that my sense of humor is a little odd to people so hopefully I didn’t scare her. Ha!

We ended up getting done with everything early so Andy and I had the bright idea to go bowling to have SO MUCH FUN on a date night being active and young again!

We got in the car and I realized we were dressed almost identical to each other. Same color shorts. Same color shirt. That’s a true love connection right there.

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Bowling, as it turns out, isn’t our strong sport. It is not what we excel at in life.

Problem is, Andy has a severe issue with not excelling in bowling.

And I knew this before we went on date night.

You see, every so often I apparently like to try our marriage by suggesting things like golfing, bowling, basketball, etc.

I regret my lack of memory and stupidity every single time.

Once when we were dating/engaged Andy invited me to go golfing with him. I thought it was fabulous. I thought “OH HECK YES! I’m going to learn to play golf with my husband and join The Club and spend my days as a trophy wife looking cute in my polos and cute bermudas.”

Oh how wrong I was. The golf trip ended with Andy getting mad and throwing his golf club down and it bouncing back and nailing me right across the nose. Lots of blood everywhere and a vow to never golf with him again was the result of that trip.

The last time Andy and I bowled together was similar. I didn’t get hurt, but it was a true miracle that I didn’t.

Andy tends to bowl badly, especially at first. And when this happens it just gets worse because he starts CHUNKING the bowling ball down the lane. One time it even bounced over into another lane.

To add fuel to the fire, I can’t help but laugh. I swear, y’all, I get so down right tickled I cannot handle it. I laugh and laugh and laugh and he gets more and more mad because I’m laughing….

It’s about that time I realize how much of an idiot I am for suggesting these things that would be SO MUCH FUN.

Because they never are.

Well, they never are for Andy… I ALWAYS have the best time ever because I laugh the entire time.

Here is a video of the bowling fun for your enjoyment.

Okay, so that brings us to the craziness of yesterday. (Crazy is apparently the only word I can come up with in all the no sleep going on around here right now.)

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Sunday night Rory woke up hysterically crying because her ear was hurting. We calmed her down and gave her some Tylenol and thought it was swimmers ear.

Then she woke up this morning with all kinds of nastiness coming out of it. I knew something wasn’t right, of course. I sent some texts out to some of my medical friends (nurses, NP, etc) and they all said the same thing.

So I ended up after lots of blood coming out of her ear taking her to the ER because no other office was open and the blood made me so nervous.

Ended up that she had a really terrible inner and middle ear infection with a partially ruptured ear drum. I feel like mom of the year.

So we are in the waiting room before seeing the doctor and there were all kinds of weirdos in there and Rory was just staring at each one.

Well.

This one lady sitting across from us was just passed out and snoring so loud. Well suddenly she sat straight up and looked around with big, crazy eyes.

Cue my stinker to shout at the top of her lungs:

“MOMMA! SHE IS ALIVE!”

Now there were approximately 30 other people in the waiting room with varying ailments but you better believe my stinker brought them all together and made them feel a little bit better. I know this because of the uncontrollable giggling that went on for the next hour in that there ER waiting room.

Oh yes, she was alive. But I nearly died of embarrassment.

Hope y’all have a wonderful week!

five on friday

So I pretty much have completely neglected the blog this entire week and I am so sorry about that. Hope you can forgive me. And I still don’t have a cohesive thought in my head so I thought I would link up to the Five on Friday link up and call it a day.

 

::One::

I started working full time this week. I cried like a little baby dropping the girls off on Monday, but it has been a really great week. I love my job so so much and I’m just so thankful God placed me where I am at. It is only a temporary full time position so I will be back to days of never getting out of my pajamas in a few months. Ha!

::Two::

This post by Jenn Hatmacker made my day. It made me laugh out loud and was so funny I have shared it with all of my office and on the facebooks. I’m SO EXCITED I get to see her in September at dotMom. Oh, and while you are at it- read this end of school year post by her as well. It’ll make you pee your pants a little.

::Three::

This past weekend I hosted the high school girls from our youth and pretty much had the best weekend ever. It was a throwback theme to the 90s (which BY THE WAY makes me feel so stinkin’ old) and I rocked the scrunchy like it was 1995. Oh yes I did.

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::Four::

I also had a last minute fun drop in from my Aunt Yvette and her husband Peter (so… he would be Uncle Peter but I just call him Peter or Pete… and why am I telling you all this?). They came and cooked a fabulous meal and we had a lot of laughs which is always perfect medicine for long days. I’m just so glad they got to come. My parents and niece, Jacy, came too. (Shout out to Jacy! #youreallyarenttoocoolforme #selfie #stoprollingyoureyes) (side note: Jacy is uber embarrassed of all of us and says stop with the hastags already. #whatever)

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::Five::

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I will now tell you an embarrassing story that happened this week because I know that is what you all are waiting for.

The whole family (Andy, me, girls) went to the Walmarts this week to get a few things for our pool. Well, I walked away for a minute and then returned to Andy talking to someone (ENTER SHOCKED FACE- Andrew was talking to someone?! Say what?!).

Turns out that someone was his boss. So I’m being introduced to ol’ Andrew’s boss and the girls are being so sweet and cute and I was shocked at how non-stinkerish they are being.

I should’ve known better.

So next thing I know Ryder picks up some random object in the cart and yells AT ANDY’S BOSS, “Hey! Wook! I got some panties!!!! See my panties?!”

Y’all. They weren’t even panties. It was arm floaties.

AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE I LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED.

I mean I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants right there in front of Andy’s boss… WHOM I JUST MET FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Oh. We so know how to make an amazing first impression around here.

Poor Andy.

Happy Weekend!

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because why not? : puppy edition

It has been a whole week since our last big “SAY WHAT?!” situation so OBVIOUSLY we were due for another.

Welcome to Because Why Not? : Puppy Edition.

On Monday morning we found this little surprise:

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Yes. That is right. Eight puppies.

Apparently someone decided to dispose of them and I was the lucky sucker who got to deal with it.

Because why not?

Now let’s discuss some life lessons I learned in this fiasco:

1) I’ve always been a firm believer in more is more in the cuteness situations. More babies, more puppies, more teeny tiny cuteness = the better.

Then I had a two and a three year old, two dogs, and eight puppies.

MORE IS NOT MORE PEOPLE.

2) Toddlers and puppies, although cute together, DO NOT MIX.

The girls would SCREAM AND CRY AND STOMP AND OH-THE-DRAMA ALREADY until I let the puppies out for them to play.

Then the puppies, because duh- they are puppies, would jump up on the girls and OH-THE-DRAMA ALREADY once again. The girls would then scream and cry and stomp and weep and wail until I held them.

But then they wanted to pet them SO BADLY so I had to put them back down and…

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING HERE?! Toddlers and puppies just don’t mix.

3) Eight puppies produce A LOT of poop. Pretty sure anyone in a 10 mile radius can smell my front yard right now.

4) Eight puppies are as mischievous and embarrassment producing as my children.

Let me elaborate.

Yesterday I got home from work and let alllllllllllllllllllllll the puppies out to run and play and go to the bathroom.

Well, somehow the puppies got into a pack of straws (??? because why not?) and scattered them everywhere.

I was bending down picking them up and the puppies kept jumping up on me and biting my hair, shirt, nose, etc. (Keep in mind that my children are in the back of my car with the hatch up weeping and wailing and gnashing their teeth because they want both the puppies and the straws… because why not?) Well, I bent down and one puppy jumped up and ripped my shirt exposing the upper portion of yours truly (if you know what I mean) and then another jumped and ripped my necklace off all at the same time.

I may or may not have let out a little d word with two syllables. It was clearly not my finest moment, people.

Then I look up to see my neighbor (male, obviously, because why not?) standing there. And of course I had never met him before.

And let’s just say he saw much, much more of me than he ever could have wanted to.

I like to leave a lasting impression.

Because why not?

5) Lastly, I learned that with about 20 people on Facebook spreading the word, free puppies go FAST! Tonight I will drop off the very last puppy.

And then I will promptly do the Carlton and say “Thank you Jesus!” until I can’t possibly dance anymore.

Those stinkin’ puppies sure were cute, but sweet mercy I am glad that craziness is OVER. Thank you all so much for helping me find great new homes for the pups!

Happy No Mo’ Puppies Wednesday!

Because why not? : Car Edition

There are times in my life when I just say…

WHAT?! How? WHAT?! But why? WHAT?! But how?

And then I realize it is MY life so I should be saying, “because why not?”. Nothing is a surprise to me anymore.

So let’s call this post – Because why not? : Car Edition

Last week when we were on the way home from the beach our car air went out and it was HOT AND MISERABLE.

So we got back and we put our car in the shop. They looked and looked and couldn’t figure out what was wrong with the air. We were frustrated because we just didn’t understand how they couldn’t find the problem.

So yesterday I was at work and I got a call from the GMC place.

He tells me they have been having the hardest time figuring it out and finally they took apart the dash and looked under the glove compartment and FINALLY! they found the problem

It was dog food.

Oh yes. Dog food.

The conversation went like this:

GMC Dude: So yeah we finally found the problem.

Me: Oh, great! What was it?

GMC Dude: Dog food.

Me: *crickets chirping* ….. SAY WHAT?!

GMC Dude: Yes, it was dog food. There is dog food stuffed into the air vents and it has cut off all air flow.

Me: *crickets chirping*

GMC Dude: Are you there? Did you hear me?

And this, my friends, is when I burst into spontaneous and uncontrollable laughter – or PBA, which I obviously suffer from.

In fact, I laughed so hard that I had to hang up the phone and call the guy back.

When I finally composed myself and called him back I asked how in the world dog food got into the air vents. (?!!!!!!)

GMC Dude: Well it could be a squirrel maybe… or it COULD possibly may be that a child *awkward pause* …

And there goes my composure again. Because SURELY my stinkers aren’t stinkerish enough to STUFF DOG FOOD INTO THE AIR VENTS OF MY CAR RIGHT?!

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Oh. I think they are capable of such things, alright.

So yes. My air doesn’t work because SOMEHOW dog food has been shoved into the air vents and has clogged up the whole air flow.

Because why not?

Happy Friday!

fun, sun, and embarrassment

So, as most of you know, thanks to Instagram and the facebooks, we went on vacation last week! We spent the week in Orange Beach, AL and had the best time. This was our first official family vacation just us and it was so needed and so wonderful.

We had the same schedule every day, because my kids are sticklers about a schedule. We woke up around 7:30 (oh yes, we slept in!) (no that isn’t a joke- 7:30 is sleeping in around here for sure!), ate breakfast, went to the beach, swam in the pool, ate lunch, took naps, got ready, went out to eat, came home and got in bed. It was fabulous.

Now. Get ready for picture overload.

We decided to leave when all these crazy Savannah people do – 3:30 am. Rory was a perfect little angel baby and went back to sleep and was a champ in the car.

RYDER WAS NOT. She was so mad we woke her up and put her in the car. She literally cried at least 3 hrs. Like screamed. It was awesome. Or not. When it was my time to drive Andy decided to get in the back and all three of them passed out. I had to take a picture because it was so hilarious to me seeing them all back there like that.

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Most nights while we were there we met up with our friends who were vacationing down there at the same time. Clay, Haley, Abby, Josh, Cindy, Dennis and three kids stayed in the same house down the beach from us. The girls loved seeing all of them at night. They are especially smitten with Haley’s mom, Cindy. In fact, Rory said, “Her is my favorite girl ever” to which Ryder replied- “YEAHHHH!”.

Typical girls picture with Abby and Haley.

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Y’all are totally impressed with my mad skillz, I know it. Getting that many toddlers to take a picture that is semi decent- MIRACLE.

Actually, bribery.

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Oh, look! Another girls pic! So original!

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Excited for the beach!

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We built approximately 239230592342 Barbie sand castles.

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A sweet lady came and asked if we wanted a family picture and I thought, “Sure lady but no one will ever see this because it is a bathing suit picture and that would mortify me”…

but then I noticed a little bonus surprise in the middle of the pic (front and center)- a nice crotch shot of some dude in the background. So I had to share because pretty much this sums up our life. What other family would find this typical?

(PS- thank the Lord for the crop feature for pictures!)

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Rory LOVED the beach. She didn’t mind getting sand everywhere and loved building castles with her daddy.

Ryder, on the other hand, was a total diva. And I LOATHE calling kids divas. It makes me crazy.

But in this case, Ryder totally was just that. She would scrunch her nose up and say “ew dirty” the entire time. So she just ended up sitting under the umbrella, eating and drinking and people watching.

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SEVERAL times over the week we attempted family pictures. None went very well. But hey, we tried.

Although, I’m not sure why we even try. Ha!

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One night we planned sunset pictures and totally missed sunset. OH WELL- kids were heifers anyway! ha!

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I kept trying to get a picture we me and the girls or at least one girl by myself.

NEGATIVE. AIN’T HAPPENIN’. STOP TRYING.

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 Mornings started out with lots of choke holds snuggles, as per usual.

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Their favorite thing was getting to go to the kiddie pool our condo had. It was fabulous, but a bit warm and that gave me the gags a little. You know what I’m talking about. Kiddie pool. Pee. Warmth.

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So, I know y’all are thinking, “ok this is boring- let’s get to the good stuff”. Well you are in luck! I have some amazingly embarrassing stories for you!

Let’s start with Rory. This precious face is deceiving.

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The very first day we were out on the beach, a lady came over to talk to Rory (side note: why do people do this?) and Rory looked at her in her TINY bikini and said, “Hey why you not have any clothes on?”, and then she walked away and left me standing there MORTIFIED.

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The other majorly mortifying moment came walking back from the pool one day. A very sweet, very large (tall, muscular, probably a football player back in the day) African American man was walking next to us and we were talking about the weather etc. He said to Rory, “Man, you are getting a tan little girl!” and she bounces along and says to him, “Yep! I’m black as a biscuit!”

Y’ALL. You should have seen me scrambling. I assured him I had NO IDEA (and seriously I don’t!) where she got that from because I have never ever said anything like that before to her. Thankfully, he just laughed and laughed. I pretty much died right there.

On the last day we went out to the kiddie pool while Andy packed the car up for us to drive home. There was a guy laying next to my chair and he kept talking to me and was a bit inappropriate with me. So, I was already uncomfortable and embarrassed and wanting to leave. Then Rory came over and noticed he was laying spread eagle on the chair. She says to him, “hey mister man, I can see your body”… “body” is code for privates. I DIED, y’all. DIIIIIED. Can’t even begin to tell you how mortified I was. Horrified. Beyond ready to leave and never come back. Lord have mercy.

And then there is this stinker….

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She had some doozies of her own.

The second day on the beach we were walking back to go to the pool and this guy was walking in our direction. Ryder stopped and said, “Momma! A MONSTER!!!! A MONSTER COMIN’!” and was pointing straight at him. He was really big (not really fat big, just a tall, large guy) with a REALLY hairy chest and a doo-rag (is that how you spell it?) with long white hair. So apparently that is what makes a monster. Mortified.

Then a couple of days later she sees a man in the hallway and apparently he looked familiar to her so she runs at him YELLING, “Santa Cwaus! Santa Cwaus! Come back to me Santa Cwaus!” over and over and over and over. Luckily the guy had a sense of humor and laughed.

Who knew Santa wore Hawaiian printed bathing suit bottoms and a cute straw hat and vacationed in Orange Beach, FL?

All I gotta say is that I’m glad they don’t know what Duck Dynasty is yet because they would have called out A LOT of Si’s down there! Ha!

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And then there were LOTS of stories of them embarrassing me together.

But the icing on the cake was at Souvenir City. Oh sweet mercy it was a doozy.

First, Rory determined she couldn’t walk. The only way she could get around was doing somersaults. Obviously, Ryder came down with the same ailment and decided it was the PERFECT PLACE to perfect her somersault.

AND OH DID SHE EVER PERFECT IT.

Well, apparently her diaper was getting in the way, so she took that thing off, swung it above her head with a little “woohoo!”, and started flipping with her bare butt up in the air.

People were giggling and looking in horror.

AND SO WAS I.

I was trying to get on to them, but others were laughing and it was just a never ending battle.

So then I just pretended they weren’t my kids.

Obviously.

Andy was standing a few feet away AND DIDN’T EVEN KNOW ANY OF THIS HAPPENED!

Typical.

So there you go. That was our trip in a nutshell. Fun, sun, and embarrassment!

Can’t wait until next year!

the pageant.

You will be happy to know that I survived the pageant and the pageant moms!

Now, I will say that the pageant was much more tame that I thought it would be. I can’t decide if I’m happy or severely disappointed in this.

But I’m pretty sure I’m leaning towards the severely disappointed.

Here we are, all pageant ready… aka “fashion diva judges”.

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When we got there we were taken to a back room in the school or a “holding room”. Pretty big deal. Can’t let anyone see you until pageant time, of course.

We got all our comment and score sheets ready while we were in there, because duh, we are professionals.

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Then we were told it was time and were taken out by the sweetest little girl.

And MAN, if you would’ve seen the stares when we walked into that gymnasium. Woowee. It made me shiver.

They introduced us and I may or may not have been described as a “professional blogger and full time mom”.

Feel free to laugh.

But really I should’ve been described as janitor, maid, boo boo healer, magician, wanna be writer, and Gilmore girl fanatic.

Next time I will go for that.

Here is a shot I snuck of the stage and our table.

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Unfortunately that is the last picture I got because I knew it wasn’t appropriate to take pictures of the precious, trained children.

Now y’all will be shocked to know that I kept it together until the very last two categories.

But I would like to note that a 6 wk old baby has dreams of opening up her own boutique one day.

*wink kiss wink*

Also, one of the junior miss girls says she aspires to be the first ever female winner of the Daytona 500.

*wink wink kiss kiss wink wink*

Some of the categories were seriously hard to come up with a winner. And I felt terrible for the people who didn’t get the #1 spot.

Like, seriously, I felt awful. All I could think about was the fact that they might go home saying they weren’t good enough. I really wanted to stay to the end and give each of the non-winners a hug.

Now, there was one girl in particular that stood out and she was the one that made me crack my good demeanor.

Let’s call her Belle, because she had dark hair and a yellow dress.

When they did the “grand parade” at the beginning to give us a “sneak peek” of the girls in this category, she came out and I immediately knew she would be our winner.

Of course, that all depended on how well she did individually, but I just knew by the way she walked and looked that she was going to nail it.

Well, it came time for her individual walk around (no idea the proper term for this ha), and that girl never took her eyes off us.

Like ever.

I honestly felt a little bit like I was being stalked with her eyes. As in, I felt as though she was looking through my clothes and could see me naked or something.

It was the strangest, lot a bit creepiest thing ever.

She still won because she was pretty much what you would call absolutely perfect, but STILL. Good heavens, she VIOLATED ME with her eyes.

Next time you see me in person I will give a demonstration, ok? Don’t forget to ask. I’m pretty much amazing at it.

Then there was a girl we will call “the grinch” or “Reba McEntire”. I’ll just let your imaginations go wild with that one.

So by those two very last categories I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I cracked.

And I cracked and I cracked.

I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I tried so hard. SO HARD. But dang if that girl didn’t violate me with her eyes and then dang if that girl didn’t look like the grinch.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I’M NOT PERFECT! I CAN’T HANDLE THE NO LAUGHING PRESSURE!

We tried to cover it up, but I honestly thought I’d pee my pants from laughing/trying to hold in the laughter.

I do have two small children, you can’t blame me for having bladder issues.

Anyways.

It was a fun day and honestly I’d love to do it again, except it wouldn’t be pretty. I’d definitely have to wear an adult diaper.

Although, I did hear recently you can go to school to become a true professional pageant judge.

WHY DIDN’T I MAJOR IN THAT IN COLLEGE?!

I feel like my life is a failure for not knowing this.

So there you have it.

Pageant Judge is now checked off the bucket list.

Win!

Have a great week!

(PS- this is what happens when I blog and it isn’t nap time. Sigh.)

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