Category: hilarious adventures

this is what we call a success

Right after we moved here I was in this state of bliss that almost scared me because it had been a LONG DANG TIME since we had no catastrophes or crisis situations.

We were living a dream for a good two months of calm.

Well.

CALM IS OVER.

Now, nothing “huge” (like a child who needs OHS) is happening but A WHOLE STINKIN’ LOT has gone down in the last few weeks.

Andy’s truck has been out of commission for 2 weeks.

Both dogs are having issues.

And then… bless it.

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Rory was at AWANA and Andy and I were heading back to pick them up when we got the call.

“Hey, Tiffany!? Are y’all near the church? Oh good! Well. Rory has had an accident and has a cut and is here at the front desk with me. Don’t panic, it is going to be fine, but we just want you to be prepared.”

When I get there she is sitting in the children director’s lap all snuggled up with ice on her face. I knew by the director’s face that a trip to some sort of medical place would be happening. (I think she was seriously relieved that I am not a panicky person.)

I didn’t get a pic of it because it wasn’t open for long before we did a temp bandage to close it up, but it was a WIDE OPEN gap in her cheek.

She was playing at church when her and another little boy ran right into each other. It’s crazy to me how his head hit her just the right way to cause some serious damage.

Since it was Sunday, all the urgent care places were closed. I knew that because it was her face I was going to try my hardest to just get it glued to avoid more scarring/track marks.

I called my friend Amber and she directed me to PM Pediatrics in Chattanooga. It was a long night but the nurses and practitioners did a wonderful job with Rory.

She was SO BRAVE and did such a good job with everything. I know it had to of been scary for her. Here she is all bandaged up- of course we have family pictures this weekend, isn’t that perfect? She is gonna be rocking a tutu with her bandage and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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I feel I need to update you on the potty training front too.

Ryder has been in only panties for a week now. She is going without even being reminded to go.

But. We still are having poopy-pants because she just cannot get that part down.

But today!

Today was a success.

Or at least this is what I call a success:

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I went into the bathroom and found this. When I asked Ryder about it she was all, “YAYYYYY I WENT POOP IN THE BATHROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I mean. At least it wasn’t in her pants.

You know you’re potty training when you think crap in the floor is a win.

 

I haven’t stopped laughing all day.

I also have sent this to everyone I know.

Because I feel everyone needs a picture of poop in their life.

Sigh.

I’ve become one of THOSE moms. You know the ones. The ones who take pictures of poop in the baby potty and proclaims how proud they are of their kid all over alllllll the social media.

Except my kid doesn’t quite get it in the desired location.

Whatever. A success is a success, amiright?

Happy Tootie Tuesday!

(har har har)

but my mouth was open!

Well. I’ve been away.

Har har har.

I don’t even know what is wrong with me.

I literally called Andy this morning and told him I would love to go in a room and just yell for about an hour without stopping and maybe I would feel better.

So basically if any of you are a psychiatrist maybe you should come evaluate me.

Life has just been so crazy the past few weeks.

Actually, let me just say this to The Nester.

Surely if you would have known ahead of time that every season of Gilmore Girls was coming out on Netflix on Oct 1st you would’ve changed this challenge to another month. ???

I’ve watched the show, oh, 230923 times probably.

But never on Netflix which is THE ULTIMATE EXPERIENCE because you can watch it nonstop without having to pause for commercials or change the DVDs out.

Because let’s face it, nothing is worse than having to get up off the couch to change a DVD. It is a total buzz kill.

So basically my life has been taken over by Lorelei and Rory and Luke and Richard and Emily.

Why does this show engross you so much? I mean I literally cannot stop watching this show even though I’ve seen every single episode several times.

The other thing taking over my heart and mind is Mississippi State Football.

Y’all.

I cannot stop smiling, crying, yelling, weeping, hollering, etc over this football season. We fans have waited a long, hard time for this.

This article about my dawgs is a must read– it literally gave me chills and tears.

It also made me immediately go online and find tickets for a game for us to attend this year. I’ll keep you posted on that. You see, I realized that this is the very first season EVER that we haven’t planned to go to a ball game and WE ARE NUMBER ONE IN THE NATION right now and I cannot believe this year we would miss out on seeing our team play. NOPE not happening.

And then there was the epic group message chat of Saturday night.

We were all giddy (we as in Emily and I) over the MS State win and we were just ON A ROLL WITH THE HILARIOUSNESS.

Honestly, we were just having your typical group chat convos when all of a sudden Emily made all of our lives with the following conversation.

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Y’all. I don’t even know how Andy didn’t wake up because he was passed out beside me in the bed when all this was going down. And I literally had the entire bed shaking from laughing. It was amazing.

And Jinny wins the internet for her amazing Meme (or Mèmè as I like to say…) skillz.

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Bless Alexis’ heart she woke up to 468 text messages the next morning. HA.

Honestly I don’t even know how I’m gonna make it through NYC without peeing my pants the entire time. And yet I cannot wait.

The other thing that is getting us all kinds of tickled is the Great Halloween Costume Debate of 2014.

I have a strong desire to have coordinating costumes for the girls. STRONG DESIRE.

And I’m anti-Anna and Elsa because I know every child on earth will be those two.

Rory has been saying she wants to be Sheriff Callie so we have been trying to get Ryder to be the skunk that is on the show.

Apparently Ryder is very sensitive towards other people because she is very afraid that “people be angry I fink” because “people don’t like stinky things”.

When Rory was asked what she wanted to be for Halloween she perked up and said:

“I know! I will be the d*mn cat and Ryder you can be the d*mn dog!”

I would just like to point out that this one thing is actually all Andy’s fault.

Okay, this was a long enough break from Gilmore Girls. I’m knee deep in wanting Jess and Rory to get married…. STILL.

(Side note: Tomorrow is Ryder’s annual cardiologist appointment and we have a few concerns so we would once again appreciate all the prayers we can get for our sweet girl and her beautiful heart.)

what’s my name again?

Little fun fact about yours truly – I changed my name in high school from Tiffany to Tifani.

It all started as a joke but since I was the new kid in school people believed it. So for like TWO YEARS at least my name was Tifani. A few teachers and one boyfriend never knew my name was actually Tiffany.

It cracks me up every time I think about it. I’m sure people were devastated to find out I made the whole thing up. (ha hahahaha ha ha ha)

This week I’ve been reconnected with a friend from HS and she reminded me about how I changed my name because people I was friends with in that day and age will always remember me as Tifani which is just hysterical.

So I posted as a joke on Facebook this status …

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And my mom replied and I struck back.

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Then my phone blew up with questions like “WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?! IS IT SHAQUISHA?!” because if you know my mother you know she would love that name.

Or if you know my sisters and their names then you know she would love Shaquisha….

(Brownie points to Katherine who texted me and asked if it was LaShea …. I laughed so hard because my sister’s middle name is Shea. haha!)

So I thought I would fill everyone in on the trauma I have been through via my middle name. WARNING: There will be a lot of YELLING in this post.

My entire life I have spelled my middle name the same way. I have all my old books as a child and they all say the same thing in my grade school handwriting:

Tiffany Alyson

Clearly I learned to spell it that way if I was writing it as a child.

Fast forward to my senior year of high school. My mother wrote my name for something that had to do with graduation and she wrote it:

Tiffany Alison

You can imagine my confusion seeing as MY ENTIRE LIFE IT WAS NOT SPELLED THAT WAY.

I start asking all of the questions because someone had to have taught me how to spell my name, right!?

Usually that person is YOUR MOTHER.

It was all just so confusing. She was confused because she had NO IDEA I spelled it Alyson after 17 YEARS HAVING A DAUGHTER WHO SPELLED IT THAT WAY HER WHOLE LIFE.

We then decide to be reasonable and get out the birth certificate.

And guess what? It had my name as:

Tiffany Allison

Let me demonstrate what my brain was doing at this point:

I AM SO CONFUSED ABOUT LIFE HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN MY MOTHER DOESN’T REALLY LOVE ME SHE CAN’T POSSIBLY SINCE SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW MY NAME THIS IS LUDICROUS I AM DEVASTATED LIFE IS OVER

How does this even happen, y’all? Only in my life. ONLY IN MY LIFE. 

This is probably what is wrong with me. I have identity crisis problems stemmed from my childhood. MOTHER, YOU ARE GETTING MY THERAPY BILL.

So there you have it. You now know why I am as crazy as I am…. it is all because of my childhood and my mother who doesn’t even know my name.

just your average embarrassing mom.

As we have already established, Rory is quite fancy.

When I worked I had an awesome wardrobe. It was one of my favorite things about working, getting dressed and looking nice every day. I never tired of it. I was much more comfortable that way that I am in a tshirt. Which is astonishing because I spent years in tshirts. Most of my life. Why did I just now discover this?!

Since being home I’ve tried to get dressed, not quite as dressed up as work because I mean… why?, but more than just yoga pants and a t-shirt.

But twice now, I have worn a t-shirt and jeans to take Rory to school.

Also, Ryder is sleeping late and I’m having to wake her up to take Rory to school at 8:15 (!!!!) so on occasion she’s just gone in her pjs.

This morning was one of those mornings where I wore a t-shirt and Ryder was in pjs.

We are about to walk out of the door and the following conversation happens:

Rory: WE CAN’T LEEEEEAVE YET.

Me: Why not???

Rory: Mom. *rolls eyes* You and Ryder are not ready. You have on that shirt and Ryder isn’t dressed at allllll. You CANNOT take me to school like that. 

Me: Rory, I am dressed. Ryder just woke up and we will just drop you off and leave. It isn’t a big deal.

Rory: MOOOOOM. You used to be fancy like me. ‘Member?! ‘Member when you used to take me to school the last day? You always wore DRESSES and pretty shirts and you were FANCY. And Ryder NEVER wore pajamas out of the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: (laughing) Rory, are you saying you are embarrassed that I’m wearing this? 

Rory: I do NOT know what “barrassed” means but I do NOT want my friends and teacher to see you.

BLESS HER HEART, Y’ALL!

I can’t even believe my child is already embarrassed by me.

I mean. The audacity. I’ve worn a tshirt TWICE with SKINNY JEANS and I’m embarrassing?????

And yes. I was a terrible mother and still rolled up in there with my tshirt and Ryder in her pjs because I am knee deep in laundry around here.

Rory was slightly mortified. So much so that she walked into the gym and waved without even looking at me and then ran off. She couldn’t even be bothered to say goodbye.

Ryder told Rory’s teacher, “Whoa-wy not like me wearing pjs to school. Her grumpy with me and mommy”.

Moral of the story: I’m not fancy anymore. BUT at least I taught Rory a new word- ’embarrassed’.

Also. I’m doomed. I’ll never be fancy enough for Rory.

 

girls trip and the church show-off.

We just had such a great weekend that I was so sad it had to come to an end last night.

Saturday Amber and I went down and met Erin for a day of shopping – IKEA and the Lenox Square mall- in Atlanta. We had the best time. IKEA is the best place on earth I’m pretty sure. I can’t quite put into words the love I have for that place, that little corner of heaven on earth. Then we decided to head over to the mall because we were FREE and had no one TOUCHING US and we could BROWSE and not CHASE anyone. It was the best day ever.

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And then.

AND THEN.

Amber and I were on our way back from Atlanta and I saw these outlet malls. So I said “hey look there is Coach, i just want to run in there real quick…”.

We walk in and everything in the store was HALF OFF.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So then I end up finding the purse I’ve been on a mad search for and it was like practically FREE (or not) because HALF OFF.

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And THEN.

I went to get my phone out of my purse and my zipper broke. MY ZIPPER BROKE ON MY PURSE IN THE STORE WHERE MY DREAM PURSE WAS. So I finally call Andy and convince him with promises I can’t even talk about and HELLLLOOOOOOOOOO LOVER he said YES.

HALLELUJAH!

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I mean. What kind of amazingness is that?! It couldn’t have gone better for me.

As you know, I have a girls trip coming up in Nov to NYC and this bag is completely perfect for the trip. It is exactly what I’ve been looking for.

IT WAS FATE I TELL YOU, FATE!

Then there was Sunday.

We slept past 7 as a family because while the children going to bed around 9 makes me insane they are actually sleeping on most days to 7. Which is a miracle and has never happened before.

We got ready and headed to try out a new church. We dropped Ryder off in the 3 year old room and were told Rory would come in with us until after the music was over. When the choir came down, the kids were to go to the side door and they would be led out.

Rory knew the plan.

She saw the door.

She was prepared.

Then it came time….

Rory sees all the kids and the door but instead she walks up on stage and walks across the stage waving at the crowd. Andy and I were waving at her to get down but also paralyzed because this was a new church and not one soul knew us and it just seemed like we couldn’t do much about it.

So she just marches and waves at everyone with a big grin on her face like, “HELLO I AM RORY AND I WILL ROCK YOUR WORLD, PEOPLE! You should know me because, BELIEVE ME, you WILL love me.”

Andy and I didn’t stop laughing the entire day.

I mean is that not typical of our life? Because why not, right?!

I’m literally laughing out loud as I type this.

I immediately went online to see if they had a live stream type thing so we could record it somehow. I’m so sad they didn’t. It would’ve been the best video ever.

They did look super precious yesterday so at least there’s that.

1623707_10101304910785386_3261080891992298254_nHappy Monday! Hope you have a fantastic week!

 

 

Lake Winnipesaukee

One of the best parts of our move here is that I already have a few friends in the area, Andy’s brother lives 20 minutes away, and also an aunt and a cousin live in the area! We have rarely lived anywhere with established friends and family so I just feel so thankful I already have a few people close to me!

My Aunt Patrice and cousin Jessica and her little girl Bree invited us to come to Lake Winnie to have a day of fun. There are tons of rides for kids and a great waterpark too. I’m pretty sure, mainly because they won’t stop telling me, that it was their “MOST FAVORITE DAY EBBBERRRRRR”.

I couldn’t believe it but Ryder actually rode pretty much every ride she could ride and had a blast doing it. I was so proud of her.

Rory was in heaven because girlfriend would ride ANYTHING.

You will ALSO be shocked to know that Ryder walked in the heat from noon to 7:30ish without ever saying “my wegs won’t work”. It was a true Labor Day miracle!

{However, her legs or body wouldn’t work the entire morning because “they too tired, momma! they can’t work!”…}

Rory also told me between giggles yesterday, “Mom! My face hurts from smiling so much!” Mine did too, Rory girl, mine did too.

I didn’t get a ton of pictures because I was too busy having fun! It was just such a wonderful day with family and we can’t wait to go back again!

Rory giggling like crazy on her first ride. This was one of my favorite parts of the day. I literally almost cried watching how much fun she had on that first ride.

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And believe it or not, Andrew and I got to ride a couple of rides without the kids too. Isn’t he just precious?! IMG_4727We all slept GOOD last night. The girls woke up telling us they’d like to go back there everysingleday. Bless it. They are precious.

Yesterday I was thinking, between giggles, about how hard parenting is and then just when you think you can’t answer another “BUT WHY” or “HOW DO YOU SPELL ____?” or referee another fight or step over another tantrum-pitching toddler you suddenly get a day of pure joy. That is exactly what yesterday was for me. Its been a tough week or so and I thought IF I HAVE TO BREAK UP ONE MORE FIGHT OVER STUPID CRAP I’M GONNA CUT SOMETHING. Then we go on a fun adventure and the girls are SO good and I get to laugh with them the entire day and experience the joy of riding rides for the first time with them. THAT is what parenting is all about.

Keep up the good work and fight hard through the tough parenting decisions/discipline/toddler tantrums and you will have days of pure joy as a reward for your hard work. It never fails.

 

I survived.

After 20something long days, the day is finally here for Andy to come home and get us moved.

I didn’t tell hardly anyone because of security issues I have, but Andy has been gone since the end of July and I’ve been single parenting it since then.

I would like to first give a huge shout out to all those single moms or military moms out there. I cannot imagine doing this more than what I did. It was HARD. Way harder than anyone can imagine until they do it. Kudos to you. You deserve all the breaks in the world, all the coffee in the world, all the money in the world. No joke. You have the hardest job.

Let me just tell y’all something.

There have been times in the past almost month that I have LOST THE WILL TO PARENT. No seriously I AM NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS PARENTING THING type of lost it.

I was SUCH a fun parent the first ten days. Then we were all over it and wanted daddy home. Thank the Lord for the amazing park here because I winged it after the initial TEN DAYS O’ FUN and just took them to the park all the time and pretended I was super fun. Except the fact is, the park saved me. Gave me a will to live. Gave me a will to parent. I could sit there and watch my little tooties run around like banshees and enjoy the breeze and NO TOUCHING. It was my saving grace, y’all. We parked it everysinglenight. Not even joking. We went to the park every.single.night.

Also, my kids are going to have to go on a detox diet to rid themselves of all the toxins they have ingested while Andy’s been gone. No but for real. Let me just tell you how many meals I have cooked since Andy’s been gone….. ONE.

I just laughed out loud.

Basically we have survived off mac and cheese/spaghetti o’s/chicken nuggets/poptarts/cereal/fruit. And by fruit I mean fruit snacks, of course.

Most nights I didn’t even eat dinner because I didn’t want to cook or dirty any dishes. I just let the girls have a bowl of their favorite cereal and called it a day.

I did, however, drink three bottles of wine.

Stop judging me. Or do judge me. I really don’t care.

I survived and so did the children. That is all that matters.

In other news, I’ve dropped 7 pounds which proves that I am fat (and happy) because of Andy. Right?!

Also pretty much anything that could have happened while he was gone DID. Because I have limited internet usage time I am going to make a list of ALL THE CRAZY that happened while he was gone.

1- The entire time he was gone our house was for sale. That means I had to keep it perfectly clean the ENTIRE TIME. Have you met my children?! Is this the real world?! THEN the house sold in record time and we had to have every person under the sun come into our home and fix this and that or inspect/appraise/random other reasons the realtor wanted in our house. IT WAS TOO MUCH, Y’ALL. That alone almost made me an insane person.

2- Andrew, from Chattanooga, sold everything we owned. Mostly without informing me. He sold the lawn mower, tiller, furniture, playset, other random crap. I had two sweet Mexicans show up and say, “Two hundred dinero, yes?!” while shoving money in my face. I’m standing there like a deer in the headlights wondering if Andy sold me into slavery.

3- The pool became DONEZO. We aren’t sure what is going on with it, but we know something is and we cannot spend any more money on a pool we can’t use. That made me shed lots of tears. I thought I had a months worth of swimming left aka free entertainment and good sleep. It was very devastating to me.

4- Rory became convinced that the move was nothing more than taking everything she loved away (pool, swing set, etc). We cried a lot of tears together. I had to bring out the big guns and make sure this was so fun and that she knew this was going to make our lives even better.

5- Our dog was accused of killing chickens. It is still a very touchy subject and I just don’t know how much I can say seeing as the sherif department is involved and I haven’t moved yet.

I feel like that is a good note to end on. There are more things that happened, but I will save that for another post.

Today my BFF Joe is here packing all of my stuff up in an insanely fast time frame and I just want to kiss him on the face I love him so much. But that would be weird.

To be continued…

probably not until I get the internets at the new place.

Which by the way, could y’all please harass Andy until he agrees to get me cable?! I have several shows I CANNOT MISS. Bachelor in Paradise! Real Housewives! Naked and Afraid! BOTCHED! Candidly Nicole! I mean COME ON, Andrew!

 

desperate times call for desperate measures.

As you all know by now, potty training is the bane of my existence.

No really.

Loathe it.

Ryder FINALLY got the hang of peeing on the potty. Girlfriend will wear those cute panties and rocks it. Goes on her own without me even reminding her. It is super amazing.

But.

or butt.

She would not for the life of her poop on that potty.

In fact, I would put a pull up on her during nap and she would poop in her pull up instead of napping.

It was making me insane.

INSANE.

But I kept at it just praying that it would someday all come together.

Yesterday I tried a new tactic. I told Ryder that if and when she pooped on the potty she would get a…

POOP PARTY!

Oh yes I did.

Her eyes lit up! She told me all about what kind of cake she wanted. I went along and said she could have ANY CAKE SHE WANTED.

Incidentally she decided on an A-Hole cake. Which is ironic and hilarious.

And by A-Hole I clearly mean Ariel. You know Ryder and her potty mouth.

So much like her mom already.

About ten minutes later I saw Ryder get up and go into the bathroom.

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Next thing I know I hear a tiny grunt and then…..

“OHMYGOODNESS OHMYGOODNESS OHMYGOODNESS!!!!!!!!! I DID ITTTTTT!!!!!!!! I POOP IN THE POTTY! I POOOOOOOPED! I GET TO HAVE A POOP PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!”

We danced. We sang. We …. er….. I cried from shear joy.

Rory was even so excited she went and got money out of her OWN PIGGY BANK and gave it to Ryder. (Which incidentally made me cry tears of pride because that Rory girl has a HEART OF GOLD.)

We called pretty much every relative ever and made them cheer for the poop whether they liked it or not.

I texted every single friend that has young children. (Might I note that some  friends who are also in the throws of potty training *ahem Alexis* were quite hostile in their “congrats”)

Here is a convo between Erin and I:

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Can I get an amen with our extra jewels on our crowns, ladies?!!!!!!!

But seriously.

IT WAS THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

Ok. Well. It was in the top 10 for sure.

So, today I marched myself into Walmart because I promised an A-Hole cake and you better believe I’m gonna keep that promise!

Me: I need an Ariel cake to serve 6 people.

Baker Lady: I don’t have anything that small that I can put Ariel on, would you like half a sheet cake?

Me: Sure, why not!

Baker Lady: What do you want written on the cake?

Me: Great Job, Ryder!

Baker Lady: Ummm ok? No happy birthday?

Me: Well, no. Just great job. You see… well…. its a poop party! I told her if she pooped on the potty she could have a party and IT HAPPENED so now I need a poop party cake!

Baker Lady: This is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. But. Go you for being inventive.

 

Bless her heart. She didn’t want anything to do with that and I just went and spilled the beans.

I will be posting lots of pictures tonight of the poop party I am sure.

I also ended up having to order a cake to serve 21 people for our poop party if anyone is interested in joining us….. haha!

And don’t judge me.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I found a new school for the girls in Cleveland and Ryder can’t go until she is fully potty trained. SO I HAD TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING TO GET THIS DONE.

I bet that poop cake is gonna be GOOD too. HA!

And in case you were wondering since I haven’t been posting much in my moving haze- the girls are just as stinkerish as always.

for example:

I was laying in bed and looked over to find my outlet looking like this…

IMG_2492 Apparently one of them thought the ear buds needed charging too.

YIKES.

for example part 2:

Rory was supposed to be resting in her room. I told her she didn’t have to sleep but she HAD to stay in her bed and rest.

When I went to make up her bed after “rest time” I found this…

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First, let us be impressed with my photog skillz. Second, why yes that IS a bag of hot dog buns half eaten in Rory’s bed… why do you ask?!

I asked Rory why there were hot dog buns in her bed and she says, “CAUSE I WAS HUNGRY!” … like DUH MOM GAH.

So the answer is yes. YES. They are still SUCH stinkers.

Don’t tell them this but I totally love it. 😉

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a light-hearted post about how I feel about potty training. on opposite day.

Well. It seems as though I’m in the hellish place called potty training again.

And yes. That is exactly how I feel about it. Thankyouverymuch.

I’m not really sure why but it is some sort of sick joke that I get two kids who have NO INTEREST at all in the potty training business.

You don’t remember Rory and my trials with her?!

Let me remind you:

Reminder #1

Reminder #2

There are more, but I feel like two reminders about poop is enough for this hour.

So here I am, now with Ryder, tackling this horrid task called potty training.

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Or coaching labor.

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Ryder’s attitude on the situation is this:

Me: Ryder, ready to go potty in the big girl potty??? You are three now! You get to be a big girl and not wear diapers anymore!!!!!!! Isn’t this AWESOME?!!!!

(I MEAN, REALLY. I deserve an award for the amount of enthusiasm I muster up at 6:00am about poop.)

Ryder: Nope! I fine! I just don’t need nuffin’ but my diapers! I fine! I good! I not need princess panties!

Me (to myself, of course): %$#&*@&@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF THE WORDS! ALL OF THEM! ALLLLLLLL OF THE WORDDDDSSSSSSSSSS!

I even went as far as to create a POTTY FAIRY. What is my life coming to?!!!!!

The potty fairy (who by the way is an a-word because she brings the prizes but doesn’t stick around to do the WORK that is involved) brought lots of undies and M&M’s and books about how princesses poop in the potty too!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHE DOESN’T CARE!

Doesn’t even care that the poor potty fairy did so much work trying to prep us for the hell of this week.

Whatever, kids, whatever.

Go ahead. Be hard on me. Don’t move up in the big girl class. Don’t hesitate to stink up the whole house with your nasty 3 year old poop diapers.

GO FREAKING AHEAD.

I’m also naturally irrationally angry at Andrew.

I mean. I can’t even look at him right now.

There he goes. Off to work. While I’m already cleaning up the first pool of pee on my floor at 6:15am.

GO AHEAD TO WORK.

It is currently 7:42. I’ve been up since 5:15 with the children who will not sleep past that terrible hour of the day.

Ryder has peed once.

ONCE.

Hateful child.

(HA)

And let me just say one more thing…

WHO CAME UP WITH 2-3 BEING THE PERFECT AGE TO POTTY TRAIN A CHILD?

Everyone knows three year olds are THE WORST. And you want to throw potty training in with the mix of it?!

WHO CAME UP WITH THIS?! BECAUSE I AM FULLY PREPARED TO OVERNIGHT THEM RYDER’S FIRST POOP IN THE POTTY TO THEIR DOORSTEP!

And I don’t want to hear all of your crap (haha) about how I can make it easier on her. She has no idea I feel this way- hello that is why I have a blog- I am miss potty party girl up in this house.

I AM DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.

I just happen to have heifer children who COULD CARE LESS if they crapped their pants for the rest of their life.

I’m  not being dramatic or anything here.

This is just how I feel about potty training.

AKA THE WORST PART OF PARENTING TODDLERS.

I must go now. The SUPER FUN POTTY TIMER has gone off on my phone and I must torture encourage Ryder to go potty now.

Donations to my coke, chocolate and possibly alcohol fund can be made at any point.

(KIDDING, MOM!)

one mystery solved, 109123103 to go.

Rory is on a mission to teach Ryder to spell her name.

Rory does not understand why Ryder could care less about spelling all of the things in life.

Ryder, bless it, is not made from the Harris side. She’s her momma through and through. Rory is most definitely made from the Harris side and wants to know everything in the world.

Ryder and I are just good to know that life is full of sunshine and rainbows and we don’t want that ruined by reality of how things really work. HA!

Anyways.

Let me give you an example of how the spelling lessons go down.

Rory: Okay, Ryder! Let’s spell your name, you ready?!

Ryder: (while smiling big) No! Well. Okay!

Rory: Say R-Y-D-E-R. Ready?

Ryder: R-E-R, RYDER! (To Ryder’s defense, she actually says her name ‘Ry-er’…. ha)

Rory: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ryyyyyyydddderrrrrrrrrrrr. Let’s try again! Say R-Y-D-E-R.

Ryder: Whoa-wy (Rory) I diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid spelled it, I did!

As you can see, this really works out well.

So this morning I was listening to them talk and I heard Ryder say her new catchphrase of “Do you know me? I don’t even know you.” to Rory.

Rory then says, “Ryder! I do know you! R-Y-D-E-R. See! I know you!”

And Ryder said, “YAY! YOU KNOW ME!”

So I realized that maybe her “do you know me?” actually meant do you know how to spell my name.

Toddlers aren’t confusing or anything.

I’m running with that explanation so that I don’t have a complex that my daughter constantly says, “I don’t even know you, Mom. I don’t even know you.”

One mystery solved.

But, I have children and we all know they are mysterious, weird creatures.

Next mystery is Rory’s new paranoia about life.

Remember when I told you she called Ryder a “perp” all the time like they do on Law & Order: SVU ?

Well.

Her new thing now is to watch cars while we drive. The following is her nonstop badgering me and acting like a crazy person:

“Mom! You need to go faster, these cars are trailing us! Mom! That car passed us and they might cut us off! Mom! I think that car is following us, you need to lose him!”

I mean.

??????????????

I’m wondering what Andy watches when I’m not around. I did notice the latest episode of 24 had been watched without me on the DVR ….

The final mystery of the day is why children are so dang creepy.

I mean, seriously.

My children will do anything to creep me the heck out.

For example, yesterday I was taking a shower and I felt like I was being watched. Which BY THE WAY is not a good feeling ever, especially in the nude.

I opened my eyes and there is Rory just standing silently watching me.

Really child?!

And I’ve told you all of the times I’ve woken up in the middle of the night with her staring silently over my bed.  NOT CREEPY AT ALL CHILD.

Well, last night the creepiness got taken to A WHOLE NEW LEVEL, people.

I’m sleeping so good, I mean so good.

When all of a sudden I heard it on the monitor AT 2:30am….

A creepy tiny voice that sounded like it was using the monitor as a walkie talkie….

“Ready or not – here I come!”

Pee my dang pants.

If you don’t know this already, Ryder has a chronically hoarse voice (probably due to some vocal cord damage in her surgery). During the day it is usually fine, but in the early mornings and at night it is almost always really hoarse.

So imagine yourself sleeping. Then imagine hearing a tiny hoarse child voice whispering “ready or not, here I come!” into your monitor. And it wasn’t an excited tone, it was just a deadpan whisper.

JUST IMAGINE.

Y’all. I literally could have died.

When it is 2:30 in the am and you aren’t fully awake your mind cannot connect two and two together. I went into an all out panic attack and could not move for about 30 seconds until I realized what was going on.

AND BY THE WAY- Why do my children have to creep me the heck out all the time?! I mean, COME ON. I birthed you and gave you life! You need to stop!

Please tell me I’m not the only one with creepy children?!

Here they are sleeping so sweetly…. now explain to me why they wake up from the sweetness and promptly want to give their momma a heart attack?!

unnamed[1](Rory is sleeping with her watch she got at VBS, hehe)

unnamed[1] (2)

 

Happy Creepy Friday!