Category: hilarious adventures

the big 3-0 and a weekend at Dollywood

Well hello there. I assume I have lost all faithful readers including my mom at this point because who likes a “blogger” who doesn’t blog?

I don’t either.

But I do have a good excuse, or 47 actually. My laptop is having issues and is being quite moody. The desktop was acting funky too. So instead of being angry at either, I choose to pretend none of it was happening or that I didn’t have a blog at all.

Unfortunately for all of you, ha, I can’t quit the blog. I JUST CAN’T. I have too much to say and too few friends to talk to. Also, have you met my beloved husband? Not really someone who likes to talk…. and that is the understatement of the century.

SO I HAVE TO LET ALL THIS INNER DIALOGUE COME OUT SOMEWHERE.

I have no idea why I went off on that whole tangent. But I did and I don’t have the energy to erase it so I apologize.

Andy fixed the office up for me to be able to type all my words and I’m choosing to ignore his hasty approach that confirms his need for me to stop talking to him and start talking to you all.

OKAY ENOUGH LET US DIVE RIGHT IN TO THIS EPIC UPDATE OF THE LAST WEEK.

Let’s pull the bandaid off and talk about the elephant in the room.

I turned 30.

Last Tuesday was the big dirty thirty birthday. The girls and I spent the day at the pool and doing a little shopping. It really was a fun day. BUT SO LONELY because Andy was working. That night I took the girls to VBS and Andy got off in time to eat dinner which was a miracle.

I mean. When you get to be my age….. your birthday is just a day. IT IS SO SAD but so true.

003One thing I decided was that you know what…. I could look worse at 30. I could definitely look much better (ha) but IT COULD BE WORSE.

You should know that one of my best friends, Erin, wins the birthday award. She sent happy birthday texts all day. These are some of my faves.

010She knows the way to my heart. There is nothing I love more than a funny ecard or meme.

The best thing about last week was all the sleep I got.

No but seriously.

VBS. Verified Beautiful Sleep.

Er. I mean Vacation Bible School.

Rory went to our church in the morning and then at night they went to a friend’s church.

THEY LOVED IT AND SO DID I because OH THE SLEEP. Twice they took naps AND slept through the night.

Which makes me ask- IS THERE A VBS EVERY WEEK THIS SUMMER?!

It was blissful. The girls had so much fun and I did too.

130 070 011On Friday I got to have lunch with Erin as she passed through Chattanooga and my kids were CRAZY. Like I figured they would be but Rory was on another level. 141I decided to go ahead and make my planned trip to Sephora even though I was certain it would be torture.

Luckily for me, the children discovered the art of swatching makeup. And I’m sure everyone was being all judge-y and rolling their eyes but HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN TWO GIRLS TO SEPHORA BEFORE!? The staff all raved about how sweet and cute the girls were (tricky kids) and I got to shop for a minute without worrying. (Side note: The girls adored the Too Faced Contour Palette and therefore it’ll be my next makeup purchase. Also they loved their blush.)

164For my birthday, Andy got me family season passes to Dollywood and Splash Country. Saturday morning we woke up and headed to Pigeon Forge to conquer both parks!

Except then a weird thing happened…….

We were standing in line to one of the rides and Andy and I were talking about how much fun we were having and how good the girls were being when all of a sudden he says, “let’s just get a hotel and stay here and do the waterpark tomorrow.”

I ALMOST FAINTED.

Andrew does not do spontaneous. It isn’t in his nature.

This is why we make the perfect couple. I do spontaneous 98% of the time. It is how I function. We balance each other perfectly. Without him I would have no stability, without me he would have less fun.

So he booked a hotel and it was settled. We were throwing caution to the wind and staying the night.

And then it hit me. Never in a million years did I think we would make it to this stage in life where that is even an option. I mean. I had a baby and then had a baby. Meaning I had two babies at once on very different schedules and milestones. I had two in diapers. I had two that DID NOT SLEEP – FOR THE LOVE. 

Suddenly I felt like I had been transported into a space of time that I never thought possible. No diapers. No bottles. No need for 2309230239230923092309230923032902939230923092320390293029302930923029309230920392390294302842048029402930912309103298203904 baby items for an overnight trip.

WHAT IS THIS LIFE?!

So we stayed at Dollywood and rode every ride we could manage. Rory and I loved hitting up the rides together. It is so fun when your kids start to be able to ride more than kiddie rides. We did the log ride, a few roller coasters, etc, and had a blast together.

Ryder and I did some kiddie rides together too while Andy rode the ferris wheel.

Little fact- I don’t do ferris wheels. No. I cannot.

Here are some pictures in no particular order:

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Before:
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During:
228 253 265 284 292 293 296We, of course, tried (and failed) to get a family picture in front of the DollyWood sign. So I got just the girls which is better anyway.

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Being at Dollywood reminded me so much of my grandparents. Oh how I miss them. The hardest thing is knowing my kids won’t know them. I know my Granddaddy would have gotten a kick out of them and my Grandmother would have loved on them like she did all her grandkids. The little one in the middle was me. Rory’s twin. Telena is in the shades and Tasha is the one who refuses to smile. I’m guessing it was because her socks were rolled unevenly and the sun was glaring on the all white getup she had on.

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So we get to the hotel at 8:30 (bedtime) and there are two things you should know – 1) we had not eaten dinner and 2) I was getting a migraine.

I go into the room to make sure it was okay and it was one of those times in life I will never forget going from the start of a migraine to wanting to puke my head hurt so bad in just one second. The room smelled so badly of smoke. I could not get out of it fast enough. Andy went in and felt the same. So at this point I have a full blown, gonna puke from pain migraine. And no dinner or hotel room. This was the point I started doubting our spontaneity.

We finally got the hotel thing figured out- shout out to Best Western in Sevierville, TN for going above and beyond to make up for their smokey room. They had no vacancy and called every hotel in town to find a room for us. After all of that, we headed to TGIFriday’s because it was the closest thing and I barely remember it because all I could do was repeat, “Do not throw up,” because of the migraine. I ended up going to the car and wrapping a beach towel around my head and putting earplugs in for about 10 minutes to dull the pain.

We went to Walmart to get me some pills (thank you lord for ExedrinPM) and underwear. Oh yes. I love spontaneous things but I gotta have some fresh underwear, okay? I’m classy like that.

It took almost the entire night but the migraine finally subsided and we were up and ready to hit Splash Mountain.

(Sorry if I’ve lost you on account of all those boring details. But seriously I don’t want to hassle with erasing it all.)

I had no expectations on the water park because I hadn’t heard much about it but y’all it was good! I only took one picture which I can’t deny might be the highlight of my photography career since I clearly captured something beautiful.336

That back tatt tho.

I’ve zoomed enough times that I feel I can professionally say that the lower tattoo (some call a tramp stamp, I call it 18 year old rebellion) is a whale tail.

Let us compare.

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You’re welcome. Call me Detective Tizzy.

Rory took turns with Andy and I riding the big slides (the child has no fear and it is amazing). Ryder and I rode the lazy river at one point a total of 13 times consecutively. I was sore from the lazy river. Because FYI- there is no lazy in that river with a toddler.

We decided to leave around 3ish because we were all exhausted.

354This was before we even started the car to leave. Side note: toddler potty still ridin’ dirty in the minivan. And still the best decision of my life.

For those of you wondering:

If you live close enough to drive to Dollywood (Gatlinburg area) for a day or two- DO IT. My kids loved every second and I plan to take them back as many times as possible.

Now. Let me tell you the terrible thing that happens when you eat hotel faux eggs and go into the sun all day…….

Andrew was up the entire night yelling into the toilet.

I describe it that way because we all know that men do not simply throw up.

They shout into the toilet so that the entire world can hear.

I say this with all the love in my heart, by the way.

It is just humorous to me how loud it is when a man pukes.

He was completely fine and over it by noon.

Thank you, Lord.

So I will say this. While I love a good spontaneous decision, I feel as thought maybe next time we will plan instead because it ended up being half a hot mess. But we had such a good time and it was the perfect getaway for us after two weeks of chaos.

This week is going to be hot as heck so I shall spend my time in the pool with the kids and work on my mom tan.

“What is a mom tan”, you ask?

A mom tan is when the front half of you is much tanner than the back because

1) Who has time to lay out evenly?

2) Who has had a kid and enjoys laying butt up in the air?!

Happy Tuesday!

 

 

 

 

softball, twerking. same thing.

This week has partially flown by and drug on.

I’m not sure if it is a full moon or PMS settling in early on the girls or what but MERCY. Attitudes and fighting have been in full force this week and IT IS MAKING ME A LITTLE INSANE.

Or maybe the walls are closing in on us.

Yesterday I set Rory up to color and set Ryder up to play barbies and it was the most blissful hour we have had in a long while. Sometimes it seems we are just a little too close all.the.time.

You will be delighted to know that IT IS MAY which means IT IS THE MONTH THAT WE GET A HOUSE which means YOU ONLY HAVE 18 MORE DAYS TO HEAR ME COMPLAIN ABOUT THE APARTMENT.

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Makes me giggle every time.

Now, I know all of you are DYING to know more about me playing softball. Heh.

We have played really well this week- our spirits are way up after the first game playing the team who wouldn’t even attempt to swing a bat.

Last night we even *gasp* WON A GAME.

I’m gonna be honest, I was a little worried when we showed up last night as to how the games would go. Several people attempted to pitch and …. let us just say I almost peed my pants from laughing while watching the “practice”.

My friend, Amber- y’all know Amber…. she’s the only friend I talk about on here because until recently she’s been my ONLY friend, ha!- decided to attempt it and we were all like YESSSSSS because she was good! She had never pitched before last night and she was so good. I’m totally impressed. She’s not only crafty as heck, homeschools, and runs a travel agency… she can also pitch. SHE IS THE DEFINITION OF A PROVERBS 31 WOMAN.

(Amber is now rolling her eyes.)

Well, I was asked to catch which I thought, yeah I can do that- NBD. Like whatev! Of course I can. Pshhhhhh.

Y’all.

Catching with no protective gear is no joke. I have three large leg bruises to prove it.

But more so than that….. THE SQUATTING. I basically did squats non stop for an hour. Needless to say, I AM HURTING TODAY.

The second problem with catching is this…

I’ve got people I barely know and then people I do know like Amber’s dad and husband sitting behind home plate. Here are the thoughts running through my head.

1- I will channel Sir Mix-A-Lot when I say:

Oh, my, gosh. Becky, look at her butt.
It is so big. [scoff]
She looks like one of those rap guys’ girlfriends.
But, you know, who understands those rap guys? [scoff]…

I mean, her butt, is just so big.
I can’t believe it’s just so round, it’s like, out there, I mean— gross. 

(Yes I realize I left out some of it…. 99% of you will know it by heart and not have to read anyway.)

2- Twerking.

You see the problem with having a big butt is no matter what you do, when you bend… it looks like you’re trying to twerk.

Stop laughing. I’m being serious here.

And the biggest problem with catching is that THE UMP IS ALL UP ON YOU LIKE WE ARE IN THE CLUB OR SOMETHING.

No kidding. Every time I bent over or got up to catch a ball I felt as though I was twerking on him.

IT WAS WEIRD.

I mean. Softball. Twerking. SAME THING BASICALLY.

So not only is catching physically hard- IT IS PSYCHOLOGICALLY EXHAUSTING.

It is pretty scary where my mind goes, isn’t it?

Aren’t you glad you aren’t me?

The girls are out of school today and I’ve had to stop writing this blog 2300 times because FOR THE LOVE THEY WON’T STOP FIGHTING.

I’m thinking of locking them in their room and letting them have at it while I sip some coffee.

Good parenting, right?

People say boys are rough…. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Girls not only fight like boys but there is also emotional and psychological warfare too.

“YOU’RE NEVER BEING MY BEST FRIEND AGAIN!”

“I’M NOT GOING TO LET YOU PLAY ELSA ANYMORE!”

“YOU CAN’T WEAR MY TUTUS EVER AGAIN!”

I’m gonna need a xanax with this coffee if they don’t calm it down.

I have a fun interview today so send prayers that I can get a conversation in without being interrupted. We all know that a mother on the phone is like a moth to a flame. I’ll let you know how it goes and more details soon hopefully!

We have lots of really fun things going on this weekend and I can’t wait to spend some time out in the sun! Hopefully Rory will decide to play soccer instead of do a dramatic reenactment this weekend because she has some special people coming to surprise her at her game tomorrow!

Happy Weekend!

car “wrecks” and potty mouths

Oh, yesterday. April Fools. You did not disappoint.

I took the girls to school and came home to wait until an appropriate time to call my old work and get them.

(While I waited I clipped coupons for makeup because THIS IS MY LIFE NOW.)

I called and pretended to be a woman with a strong country accent that had 8 kids with “the tenncare”. I had the receptionists going for A WHILE. It was amazing.

Then I called back to the nurses and somehow they knew it was me right away. They all told me I needed a job. Pretty sure they are right. It was amazing and I got it all on video so I will be posting that on the youtube soon.

When I got home from picking the girls up from school I came home to find a gorgeous bouquet of flowers from Andy. Now if you know us at all you know that Andy isn’t the romantic, flower giving type. So it was pretty hysterical that he “got me” for April fools with the flowers.

After the girls rested up we headed to the park. It was beautiful, sunny, warm with a cool breeze…. it was just gorgeous outside.

Ryder stayed under the playground equipment in the shade because the sun was too bright and hot and it made her legs not work.

FullSizeRenderTypical.

After being terrorized by bees (there was one bee for one second) the girls declared they were ready to go home.

We load up in the van and I go to back out when I see another car rapidly backing out toward me. I realize the other car isn’t stopping and is about to hit my car right where Rory is sitting so I throw my car into drive and hit the gas to avoid being hit by the car.

I unfortunately didn’t see that there was a curb and a ditch and so there I went right into it.

The guy speeds off and never bats an eye when he sees me in this predicament. Lovely man I’m sure.

Now I have to tell you that when I hit the curb and went over it wasn’t my finest hour and I let out a hearty “sh&@” out of my mouth . Again, not my finest hour.

The girls immediately started asking what that “sh…” word was. Over and over. Then they went on to play while I waited on a tow truck and never mentioned it again so I thought I was off the hook.

But of course it couldn’t be that easy.

This morning Rory woke up (at 4am for the day asking for… lettuce; I will never understand) and started asking more questions about that “s” word. I finally broke down and told her that it was a very bad word like poop or crap and that mommy shouldn’t have said it and that I had already asked for forgiveness. She said, “Well Jesus will forgive you but lets not say that again, okay?” Yes ma’am.

Rory volunteered to say the prayer this morning at school and this was her prayer:

“Dear Lord, thank you for this day. Please forgive my mom and help her not say that shit word again. Amen.”

Because why not? I was mortified.

Luckily the teachers thought it was hilarious and didn’t shame me into oblivion. Reason 9293824 why I love Rory’s school. They are fun and not too serious or “perfect”.

So there you have it. 24 hours in the life of Tiffany.

I need my reality show. If it is gonna be all crazy all the time I need to be paid for this mess.

Happy Easter weekend! Andy is off tomorrow for Good Friday and I’m pretty sure this is the first time he’s ever been off. We are all so excited for the weekend. Rory has been really listening this year and it is so sweet to see her heart opening and learning about Jesus. There is nothing better in life than that.

 

babies, weddings, mudding, and butts. (what more you could ask for?!)

I have been gone from the internet world (more on that in another post) for two weeks and I now feel like I have SO MUCH to catch you up on. Let’s dive right in, okay?

First, I feel like I should update you on the state of my hair after Dave made it skanky two weeks ago.

After I posted that skank hair photo I had several people screen shot it and use it against me and HELLO I WILL GET YOU BACK BECAUSE I AM THE QUEEN OF PAYBACKS. Just needed to put that out there.

I am sad to say that it got worse before it got better because I dyed it darker and then it faded to a weird green/grey color that doesn’t look good on anyone. So I booked myself an appointment at a salon (got a groupon which is sorta Dave friendly) and finally fixed my hair.

HALLELUJAH AND AMEN. LET US MOVE ON, OKAY?!

Thursday night we headed towards West TN.

And let me just say…. I’m continuing to be completely blown away by the amount of use we get out of the potty in the car.

IMG_3499Friday I spent some of the day with my coworkers at my old job in Savannah. We laughed until we cried/about peed our pants and oh, it was so good to my soul. The people I worked with are some of my favorite people on earth and I miss them every single day. After my time at the office, I dropped by two of my friends’ place of work to say hi and surprise them. I wasn’t there long at either but just wanted to say hi to Jennifer and congrats to Haley who is expecting her second baby!

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As we were on our way towards Andy’s parents we got word that Ashley (Andy’s sister) had her babies.

Unfortunately, Ashley has had a very hard time and the entire experience was extremely traumatic. It isn’t my story to tell, so I won’t give details here, but please be praying for her- this is the hardest thing she has ever been through and it continues to be hard.

I will say that I am just so proud of her and of her husband Drew who has taken such great care of Ashley during all of this.

The babies were born at 33 weeks, but are doing well. As with all preemies, there are always hurdles and obstacles but we are confident that God is going to work miracles in their lives as he has already done! Please continue to pray for them and that the girls and Ashley continue to heal and recover and can be reunited at home soon.

Andy and I got to see these precious girls Saturday morning and I tried so hard to hold it together but cried the entire time because I CAN’T HELP IT. We have already prayed so hard for these babies and for their lives before they were even conceived and continue to do so as they are in NICU getting stronger before they go home.

Zoe Nicole – 4lbs 12oz

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Emma Nicole – 4 lbs 5 oz

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After we left the hospital, Andy and I both cried in the car together. Seeing them hooked up in that little bed was so hard and seeing Ashley in rough shape was even harder. It brought back a flood of hard memories for us and our ordeal with Ryder. It also made us so thankful, once again, that miracles still happen and medicine has advanced so much to where we know these girls will be running around with our girls in no time.

Saturday night Andy and I got all dressed up and went to our friends Will and Catherine’s wedding.

IMG_3596It was so beautiful and sweet. Will graduated with Andy and I and it was so great to see him get married and how happy he was. We hope they have a lifetime of happiness and fun together. I think Catherine is a perfect fit for him and I just like her so much!

As a bonus, I got to see so many friends and teachers from our hometown and it was such a nice treat. My friend, Lauren, was the photographer and I can’t wait to see the pictures because I know they will be amazing.

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Unfortunately, we got STUCK. As in the minivan. In the mud. At the wedding. It was AN ORDEAL. But it brought me full circle thinking of how Will, Will Sipes, Kyle, me, Josh, and I think a few other people crammed into my truck in HS at a basketball game and drove to a nearby field and went mudding. Because we were morons. And also because we were so much fun. It was one of those moments you just had to laugh your head off and think of how far you’ve come…. and how minivans and trucks are two totally different things.

Also, several people drove by and were all “OF COURSE IT IS YOU WHO IS STUCK IN THE MUD TIFFANY. THIS ONLY HAPPENS TO YOU.” We laughed until we cried over the whole ordeal.

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Now I would like to tell you a funny story about Ryder and her school shenanigans.

And when I say “funny” I mean LORD, HAVE MERCY.

Ryder’s class played the game where you sit in a circle and the teacher says a sentence and then you whisper it around the circle until the last person. Then the last person says what they heard and you see whether or not anyone told a lie or messed it up.

These kids are 3 so I’m not sure why they tried it.

The teacher says, “God loves you and so do I.”

That was the statement. Isn’t it precious?!

Well.

It gets to the last person and the little boy hesitated before he said what he heard… finally he said it-

“Butt.”

The teachers eyes are wide and half the group start giggling…. but one little girl in particular was LAID OUT ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING.

You guessed it. Ryder.

Apparently she heard, “God loves you and so do I,” but decided to whisper in her neighbor’s ear, “butt.”

Because, why not?!

Lord, have mercy. Seriously. HAVE MERCY. Why, WHY, WHYYYY?! I have no words. NO WORDS. I wish I would’ve been shocked by this story. But of course I’m not.

Sigh.

Happy Monday! Please make sure you “like” The Harris Life on Facebook to get the blog posts on your news feed!

 

the worst kind of diy (alternate title: this is all dave ramsey’s fault)

As some of you might have noticed (meaning, my mother), I took an unexpected break from blogging this week.

I kind of snapped and haven’t been in the frame of mind to blog.

Which means I should’ve known I also wasn’t in the frame of mind to do a DIY dye job on my hair.

So instead of cleaning, blogging, resting, etc etc etc in the mornings while the girls were at school as I normally do, I was busy dying my hair like a mad woman.

Let us start from the beginning.

I have been dying my own hair red to touch it up for 6+ months. It has gone wonderfully and there have been no mess ups.

The last time I got my hair done by a pro I HATED the color red she did and wore a hat until I could tone it down.

The worst part- IT COST SO MUCH MONEY I HAD TO TAKE A SECOND MORTGAGE OUT ON THE CHILDREN.

Oh, I kid, I kid. But it was a whopping $150 for a trim and bad dye job. OH AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN DRY MY HAIR AT THE END. Let’s just say it wasn’t the best experience.

Andy almost died from a heart attack when I told him how much it was. And it was uber shameful to have to tell him I hated the color. (He hated it too.)

That is when I started doing my own hair.

Well Andy was “over” the red and it was so hard to maintain the roots. So I decided to DIY a new color.

So I chose a brown color and dyed it and EW it was mousy and dull and terrible.

So I headed back to the drug store and saw an ombre kit and thought, “YES! This is what I need! I will just lighten the bottom of my hair and it’ll give it dimension and be cute!”

Bless my heart.

(This is where I warn you that there are a lot of horrifying pictures coming of my hair and my no makeup face. You have been warned.)

So I did the ombre and came up with this which actually wasn’t so bad.

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Except Andy saw me and had “Chloe face” and was clearly not thrilled with it. So I decided to just lighten the very bottom a little more and it would all work out.

N

O

P

E

NOOOOOPE.

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I WENT INTO PANIC MODE AS ONE MIGHT SUSPECT.

I immediately started texting Telena to get her to help a sister out seeing as she’s a professional hair person. She calmed me down a bit.

Then I also texted Tasha because WHAT ARE SISTERS FOR THAN TO TEXT THESE THINGS TO?

(WARNING: SOME LANGUAGE USED. NOT PROUD. WAS IN CRISIS MODE. FORGIVE ME MOTHER.)

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I replied with this pic:

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(I don’t believe Telena ever told me to lighten it more- I think I was on the crazy drugs and made this up.)

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So. As you can see, I was having THE ISSUES.

I hung my head in shame with a baseball cap on and entered Walmart to buy some color with the help of Telena on the phone.

You know you’ve hit a hair dye low when you are shopping hair dye with this one:

IMG_3177Bet you $100 her husband put her on a budget too.

Well. I WOULD bet $100 except its not in the budget to do so.

I consulted Telena when purchasing the new color. Here goes nothing…..

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End result.

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IT WILL JUST HAVE TO WORK.

So here is my Personal Service Announcement:

DON’T DYE YOUR OWN HAIR.

At least my momma loves me no matter what I look like…. RIGHT MOM?!

 

 

humiliated and snow days.

Mother, father… if you are reading this you may want to just skip over until you see snow pictures.

So yesterday I filmed my Ipsy Bag review and then had to run out to meet Andy for lunch.

After we got home there was a knock on my door from the maintenance people. They needed to check the windows and spray for bugs.

I let them in and followed them into our room because I needed to make sure there was no underwear lying around anywhere.

I noticed their eyebrows going to the ceiling and caught them glancing at each other like… WHAT DID WE JUST WALK IN ON?!

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Then it hit me….

THEY THOUGHT THEY HAD DONE WALKED IN ON A HOME MOVIE….

and I’m not talking about the G rated kind…..

I scrambled to find words to explain that I was filming a review….. it just seemed like I was lying. I WAS SO HUMILIATED I COULD HAVE DUG A HOLE AND DIED IN THERE.

You should have seen their faces. I know they are still laughing about it. Those perves.

Speaking of perve…. Andy and I watched this clip from our local news approximately 22 more times than necessary because of the accidental filming of the word “sex” they kept showing. WE ARE MIDDLE SCHOOLERS AND SO MATURE.

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MOVING ON- MOM YOU CAN START READING NOW.

—–

Last night it started snowing and it didn’t stop until this morning. The snow is GORGEOUS.

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I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this type of snow before. Its not icy or wet which I’m used to coming from west TN. you can roll it and create the perfect snowmen easily. We have had the absolute best day playing in it. We have the hugest hill ever and we conquered it today. Andy was skeptical and thought it couldn’t be done. He hasn’t met me now has he?! Ha!

Unfortunately, I didn’t anticipate the speed at which I would fly down the hill. I barreled down that hill so fast I was seriously afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop before the drop off at the bottom. It was a successful day of sledding though if you accessed the damage. Rory busted her chin, Ryder has a huge scratch on her face, and I busted my lip and nose. All in a days fun, right?! We had a blast and wish Andy could have stayed home with us today!

He got up and went to work just after 7. It was hysterical watching him try to clean his truck off.

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Here are some pictures from our day!

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Of course even though I told them 1290398232398 times to make sure to go potty before we got all our clothes on I had one little tootie who did not heed my warning.

So my choice was either climb several flights of stairs and get the entire apartment dirty …

OR

Why not just use to potty in the car?! This has provided relief (har har) when we’ve needed it more times than I could’ve even hoped for.

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Happy Snow Day!

Frozen Meals | Fishing Tales| Rory’s birthday week

A little over a week ago, Andy and I got the bright idea to cook 21 frozen meals.

When I say, “Andy and I,” I clearly CLEARLY mean Andy. I would never volunteer to cook 21 meals at once, ever.

That being said, I have so enjoyed not cooking the past week because I already (meaning mostly Andy) cooked dinner! We went by this plan for the 21 Freezer Meals from ALDI and so far we have really liked all of them! So if you can deal with about 4-5 hours of cooking and 6-7 loads of dishes, you will really like this!

I have the pulled pork in the crockpot as we speak and I can’t wait for dinner!

After all the cooking we treated ourselves to an afternoon of fishing. It was too cold and windy and was a fail on the fishing front but we had a wonderful little picnic and a fun time out of the house on a sunny day with the girls.

The only thing caught was a random bobber someone else had left behind. I was the one that caught it. Who knows how. But no one is surprised by the randomness of this situation, now are they?

I have to interject with a marvelous story from my childhood.

I went camping with one of my best childhood friends, Jinny, one weekend. I always loved going camping with her family.

On this particular trip we decided to go fishing off a dock/pier/bridge/wooden structure. I have no clue where everyone else was and why I was alone fishing at this particular moment but I was. All of a sudden I saw a snake and for some STRANGE REASON ONLY TIFFANY WOULD DO I decided to hit the snake with my bait/hook. (Doesn’t this sound like something a little girl named Rory would do?!)

Well I’ll be darn if that snake didn’t freaking LATCH ON FOR DEAR LIFE. I will never forget it jumping at the bait and the panic that ensued. I mean I SCREAMED LIKE I WAS BEING MURDERED, Y’ALL. I realized no one I knew was around me so I started screaming louder, “I CAUGHT A SNAKE! HELP HELP HELP HEEEEEEELLLLLPPPPPPPPP I CAUGHT A SNAKE!”

Then my genius self decided, “you know what?! I bet I could flick this snake off of my line!”

So there I go, swinging that snake all around trying to get it to fly off while screaming, “HEEEELLLLPPPP I CAUGHT A SNAAAAAAAKE I CAUGHT A SNAAAAAKE!”

IT DID NOT WORK, PEOPLE.

I see Jinny and her parents running toward me because I AM SURE they assumed I was dead from all the hollering I was doing. Finally we get the snaked reeled in and this (moron) guy grabs the snake and holds it to his face and declares, “oh its just a water moccasin”…………….

And that is the day I learned to never attempt to scare a snake.

You know, now that I think about it… I think that may have been the last time I was invited to go camping with the Culpeppers. Interesting discovery for myself.

What can I say? I’m a wild card. I shouldn’t be trusted.

The whole week we spent celebrating Rory. On her actual birthday we took donuts to her school and she was so excited about that. I am convinced her love language is donuts. Who could blame her?

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After school we went to ChickFilA to play and have ice cream with some friends. The girls had a blast. That night we went to Rory’s choice for dinner which was Hibachi.

Now let me just say that girlfriend knows whats up choosing the most expensive place for her day. The girls loved the “show” they put on cooking.

Saturday was the most perfect day ever staying home in our pjs. LIKE WE DID NOT GET OUT OF OUR PAJAMAS THE ENTIRE DAY.

Ryder has been sickly and ran a little fever on Saturday. It ended up being the best day to just stay in and have a day of rest. Sunday morning she woke up wheezing so I knew I had to take her to the doctor. She went in and said, “now I have something fun planned today so I need to know if I can still go,” hahaha!

She was the absolute perfect patient and every single staff member came into the room to see her. I’m not even kidding. She took every test and poke and prod like a champ. She was so sweet.

At one point she started to get a little gassy and bless it, she is rank. Well, the nurse walked in and Ryder sits up and says, “I’m sorry about that smell, I let out a little toot.”

WHY MUST MY KIDS EMBARRASS ME EVERY SINGLE TIME WE GO TO THE DOCTOR?!

Good news is that Ryder claimed it and the nurse didn’t have to wonder if it was me. So I guess that part is a win.

She was diagnosed with bronchiolitis and got an RX for a steroid and breathing treatments. She is already back to her old self and I’m so glad.

Little note: My children had a little over a year straight where they didn’t run any fever. IS THAT CRAZY OR WHAT?!

Sunday afternoon we headed for Chattanooga to round out Rory’s birthday week and celebrate Valentine’s for them. Our gift to them for Valentine’s/Rory’s birthday was to see Disney Jr Live Pirate and Princess show. We had an absolute blast and the girls loved it. I think they actually enjoyed the pirate part better than the princess part!

Last week was busy and full of fun things. I’m so glad we have today at home to play and relax. Now hopefully all this rain won’t ice over because I’m pretty sure these children of mine NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW OKAY?! ha!

I vlogged last week and its longer than I intended because it was so many days of it. Next time I will only do a few days at a time so it will be shorter.

Hope you enjoy the video! Let me know if you do!

 

 

live updates such as toilet troubles and licking slides

I’m sitting at McDonald’s while the kids play because we all just desperately needed out of the apartment. While I really love our place, the biggest downside is the lack of space to play. There is no outdoor space and sometimes we just need to get the heck out of dodge before someone gets hurt.

Truth be told, the McDonald’s playtime was a big ol’ bribe by yours truly in attempt to get the kids to cooperate during Rory’s five year old photo shoot. I use that term loosely seeing as it is basically me yelling at whichever child to PLEASE JUST LOOK AT MY CAMERA FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

Luckily I was smart enough to bribe them with a chance to play at the germ pool that is the fast food restaurant playground, so the pictures went off without a hitch.

I have no idea how the pictures turned out exactly because my camera died before I could view them so hopefully the possible diseases we came in contact with won’t be in vain.

For those interested, we had the best time ever ever ever at Wilderness at the Smokies. I have a ton of video and some pictures to share but TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES ARE GETTING THE BEST OF ME RIGHT NOW.

I’m hoping to have all that up by Friday.

You should know that Rory just came to me and yelled, “RYDER FARTED MOM AND IT STANKS.” I am mortified but everyone here is entertained so I guess that is what matters.

Or maybe what matters is manners, but my children clearly lack them even though I pour hours of my time into correcting this unladylike behavior.

Which brings me to my next point….

DOES ANYONE EVER HEAR ME?!

Surely I’m not alone in this dilemma of life, but I swear y’all, I must repeat myself to no avail 2103910323 times a day. No but seriously. I feel like I talk and correct and ask questions all the live long day and NO ONE HEARS ME.

How many times does one need to say something before THEY EXPLODE OUT OF FRUSTRATION?!

I feel as though I’m at that point right now. I would love to say it was the kids but I’m telling you right now that everyone in our house must have “Tiffany muffs” on because NO ONE CAN HEAR ME APPARENTLY.

I waste all of my time and energy speaking and I cannot understand why it has to be this way????

Okay, okay. Rant over.

Update: Rory just came and said there is a kid who has a large butt crack shining at everyone.

Update 2: Ryder just came to me in an urgent need to poop. Took everyone and everything to the bathroom and there was lots of poop talk. Rory then asked the lady in the stall next to us if she was going poop too. “It is okay if you are because all of my family is too! Even my mom! We all poop! Everyone poops! So if you need to push it out and make a lot of noise, IT IS OKAY!” I’m sure she appreciates the encouragement and permission to be loud while pooping even though the poor lady didn’t ask for all that information.

Update 3: We got ice cream and I enjoyed every bite of Ryder’s. She insists she loves ice cream even though I gently AND firmly remind her that she never eats it. But once again, no one listens to anything I say and therefore we get her ice cream and she has one lick before she decides LIFE IS UNFAIR BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE THE ICE CREAM MAMA!

Update 4: Rory now declares the need to poop.

Update 5: I HAVE LOST THE WILL TO LIVE WITH THE OVER SHARERS THAT ARE MY CHILDREN.

Update 6: I’m afraid they will be banning us from this place soon.

Update 7: I don’t even know why I tried to blog seeing as I had to shut my computer and tote it to the bathroom 4 million times.

Update 8: Why is it that when we go to play at places the children suddenly feel the need to be in my lap or give me 87 million hugs? I should treasure this, I know, but seriously. WE CAME HERE FOR US TO NOT HAVE TO TOUCH.

Update 9: My children will surely need therapy.

Update 10: There is a child who has stalked Ryder and stolen her socks off her feet 5 times. I cannot find her mother.

Update 11: Ryder is yelling “GET AWAY FROM ME SOCK THEIF”. I’m afraid she will be knocked out soon because, as we know, RYDER DOES NOT PLAY.

Update 12: I just saw my children licking the slide. I must go now and hold a vigil for their health.

a new low.

We had one of those glorious weekends and I was super sad to see Andy leave for work this morning.

Friday I met my friend Amber at a local jump place for kids. We weren’t sure what to expect and were pleasantly surprised. It was a huge space and had the best prices I’ve seen on these sorts of places. Best of all we were practically the only ones there. We got there about 1 and stayed until 4. The children were worn the heck out. Rory keeps saying it was the best day ever. Amber and I sat and talked and they played so well together. I feel like we are going to have lots of play dates there in the future.

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Saturday I slept in (!) and got ready for my work Christmas party. That’s right, you heard me. Amber and I decided to go get pedicures and lunch. Then Amber came up with the brilliant idea to call it the Christmas party because everyone else gets them so why not us stay at home moms? I feel like this is a tradition we will continue every year.

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When I got back Andy says to me he wants to take a drive and really there”s not much more in life that I love more than a good adventure/drive. We loaded in the car and stopped at a gas station with approximately $27 in change to get a few snacks. It took the girls a good 30 minutes to decide what kind of junk food they wanted. I mean, you should’ve seen them. Their eyes were huge taking in all the options. It was hilarious watching them go from one candy bar to another. And in the end, they both decided on the plain Jane Hershey’s chocolate bar. Go figure.

I made the mistake of getting a 44 oz $1 coke and there may or may not have been hot fries involved. This will be important later.

Andy started driving and about 15 minutes from our house we ended up at the Ocoee River and I’m all HOW DID I NOT KNOW IT WAS THIS CLOSE TO US?! We drove and took in the beauty of the river and the mountains while it was gloriously silent in our car thanks to children who fell asleep. Andy and I talked and laughed and it was so refreshing to feel reconnected after a crazy work week.

We ended up at the Ocoee museum or info center that was the main 1996 Olympic view point. We all got out of the car to walk around and see the place. We may or may not have crashed a wedding.

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At one point Rory started to tear up. When I saw a few tears falling I asked what was wrong and she says, “Everything here is just so beautiful. I can’t believe God made all of this!” So therefore I started to cry because THAT IS THE MOST PRECIOUS THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.

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As we walked back towards the museum the urge hit me and it hit me hard. I don’t know if it was the soft trickle of the river or what but that’s when I realized the 44oz drink was probably a bad idea. But dang those fries were so hot and I needed to drank after I ate them. Probably another bad idea. (BTW. I only drank 1/4 of the drink and was still regretting it which is a testament to my bladder size. You’re welcome for that info.)

I get up to the building and ask someone in the wedding party where the bathrooms were so that I wouldn’t be wondering all through their event. The lady groans loudly and says they are all locked because apparently the museum is closed Nov-Feb. She thanks me for reminding her that she needed to pee and dances off to try to forget about it again.

Y’all. This is when the pain starts. There are people all around and no place to hide and I’m FREAKING OUT because after two children THERE IS NO WAY IN HADES IM GONNA BE ABLE TO HOLD IT.

That’s when I realized….

I have a toddler potty in my car.

And on that fateful day of 12-13-14, I, Tiffany Harris, put that toddler potty in the van, closed the doors, and hovered like I’ve never done before. In the parking lot. In the middle of a wedding. In the middle of the day.

The heavens opened and angels sang a beautiful song in my head and it was about that time that I realized that I AM IN THE BACK OF MY MINIVAN PEEING INTO A TODDLER SIZED TRAINING POTTY SHAPED LIKE A TURTLE.

It was a new low, people.

I don’t know if you’ve seen my butt ever in my life but you should know it has never once been called “small”. I mean, my dad called me turtle butt when I was still in diapers. Let’s just say, I’m pretty sure every big butt song has been written about mine, okay?

So there was a moment when I prayed aloud fervently, “Lord, work a miracle today and let my aim be accurate and let this tiny potty not overflow. If you do this for me I will never drink a 44oz coke again.”

He heard my prayers, friends, and I was blessed enough to not pee in my pants thanks to the toddler potty in my car. Hallelujah and amen.

Of course, it couldn’t stop there because Rory and Ryder also used it after me. I mean, that thing is a blessing I tell you.

Andy was, how do I say?, mortified.

He would probably like you all to know that he did NOT use the potty that day with us. He doesn’t know what he’s missing though.

After all that craziness we went down to Georgia to my cousin Jessica’s house and had pizza and let the kids play. The girls love playing with Bree’s 1747282 “big kid” toys. The highlight was the concert put on by them. I mean the Canjo played by Ryder, the keyboard by Bree, and singing by Rory was such a blessing to us. It did make me realize that Andy and I will win the awesome parent award come Christmas morning when two little stinkers open up their karaoke machine and Frozen CD.

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Sunday morning we went to church and witnessed every person in Cleveland with the sniffles and/or talking about someone in their family having the flu. So that wasn’t stressful or anything. They had a big Christmas program we really wanted to go to but seriously, attendance was shockingly low that morning thanks to sickness so we decided to call it a pajama day the rest of the day. It was SO cold and there’s nothing better than a lazy Sunday afternoon.

In fact, now that the kids are “older”, I go into my room every Sunday and take a good 2-3 hour nap. Pretty much every single Sunday. I tell Andy that nothing speaks to my love language more than him letting me have that nap on Sunday’s. And I mean that whole heartedly. It blesses me in ways he will never know.

Last night Rory and I went to target to get a few gifts and she was so funny. She insisted on getting things that would make any woman slightly more fashionable. She loves a good accessory.

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It is so hard to believe that it’s only a week and a half until Christmas. Oh I am so looking forward to Christmas with our families, but most of all a few days here at home with absolutely nothing but playing with our new toys to do.

Happy Monday! And if you’re thinking of saying “yes” to that 44ozer just remember that you may hit a new low after.

poop prize

As most of you saw on Instagram and the Facebook last night, Ryder finally got herself a poop prize.

We told her she had to go 5 days with no accidents at all and then she could go out to eat and get a prize from the store.

Because we are not above bribery AT ALL.

She ended up picking out three toys that she HAD TO HAVE that were $50 a piece. So. We made her pick something else. I mean we are excited about her being potty trained but LET’S GET REAL HERE. I’m never gonna pay $50 for a poop prize.

Rory was so excited to pick something out too and we explained to her that we got her something when she got potty trained so it was Ryder’s turn. But because we aren’t monsters and she’s been so sweet lately, we let her have a $5 bill to pick out whatever she wanted. It is hard to get one something and not the other. So sue me.

Now, let’s rewind to yesterday morning for a second.

Andy got up and went to work LONG BEFORE anyone should ever be awake. I woke up and the clock said 7:56 and I almost had a heart attack thinking we had all slept in so late. I stretched and smiled to myself thinking how marvelous life must be for those who have kids that sleep past 7 on the reg.

Then I stumbled in the bathroom…

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Yeah. Who knows how long these heifers were awake. They sure had enough time to get this 24 hour tattoo makeup ALL OVER the entire surface of everything. I love how they don’t know whether to really smile in the picture or not. You can see the fear of their momma in their eyes. It brings me much pleasure.

And just fyi, they aren’t kidding about the 24 hour thing. It took me about an hour before bed to wash this off their face. When we went out to dinner they still had the perfect eye makeup on. Ridiculous.

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I wish I had a full body of Rory because girlfriend looked CUTE yesterday. Look at all those accessories and the way that tutu doesn’t “match” but totally GOES. Gah, I love her sense of style more than anything ever. She is just the cutest.

So, back to the trip to Walmart that took almost two hours:

We gave Rory the $5 and guess what she got…

That’s right. Makeup.

Which, honestly, I was glad about it because we needed some “kid makeup” that didn’t last 24 hours.

She was SO EXCITED about her makeup. She could not handle herself. She picked out her entire outfit last night and then picked out the colors of makeup she wanted on her face to go with her outfit. PRECIOUS.

Well.

Want to know what is NOT PRECIOUS?!

When your child is SO EXCITED about getting ready for school that she wakes up every 15-30 minutes starting at FOUR THIRTY AM. Oh yes. That’s right. Rory woke up at 4:30 and hollered “MOMMMMMAAAAAA DADDDDYYYYYYY COME HURRRRRRRRRRR”. I walk in the room and she says, “Mom. Is it time for me to get ready and put my makeup on yet?”

I was so confused about life. I said, “Honey, it is the middle of the night. No. No makeup until the sun wakes up.”

30 minutes later we repeat this.

We then repeat it every 15-20 minutes the rest of the morning until 6:30 when I’m all I GIVE UP ON LIFE.

BLESS IT.

And by “it” I mean ME.

Also, poor Ryder. She got the same wakeup calls and she is not what we would call a “morning person” – which would be the understatement of the century.

Girlfriend wakes up and does not want anyone to talk to her or LOOK AT HER.

So when we took Rory to school at 8 this morning she couldn’t hang. Fell fast asleep. Bless her heart.

 

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While we are on the subject of cars, I have to tell you a little story.

I think I know why the cat was attracted to my car. I still don’t know how it got in, but I’m starting to understand now…

You see when we left last night to go to dinner there was a “funk” going on in the ol’ minivan.

This doesn’t surprise me because I have children and sometimes funky things happen.

Then this morning Rory opened the door and it was so rank I literally COULD NOT STOP GAGGING.

I mean. All out gag fest going on. The girls refused to get in the car. So I covered my face with a scarf and climbed in the back of the van with the mission of finding the source of the funk.

Y’all.

Y’ALL.

At first I couldn’t find anything. But then….

I looked under the stow-and-go compartment and found it.

There was a LARGE bag of BBQ leftovers and a pumpkin pie (which I thought was sweet potato casserole but instead of marshmallows it was some sort of growth on the pie).

ALL OF THE GAGS.

There were some workers outside and they started gathering to watch me as I gagged and dry heaved while cleaning out the car.

Seriously just gagged again writing this.

GAG GAG GAG GAG GAG.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!

UGHHHH SO MANY GAGS.

I had to come home and take a shower to get the smell out of my hair.

HA.

So, note to self: check the stow-and-go storage compartments after a road trip. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU WILL FIND.

Aren’t you glad I told you that story?

Happy Thursday! Ha!