Category: hilarious adventures

LOCK THE DOOR!!!! (!!!!) : A Short Story

I know those who don’t see me in real life probably think I’ve lost my touch with crazy things happening to me… so I just needed to hop on here and tell you- NOPE.

Let me present to you…

LOCK THE DOOR!!!!! (!!!!!!) : A Short Story

A few weeks ago, my little family went to a certain restaurant in our town. I’m not going to tell you where because I want to protect the person’s dignity.

HA. HA. HA HA HA HA.  Oh, you are going to find this funny in a minute.

So, we ate a delicious dinner.

I decided to go to the ladies’ room (another irony you’ll understand soon) before we headed home.

I go into the bathroom and look under the stalls. Two are taken, one is not.

So, I open the door.

And there she was, a waitress from the restaurant.

Taking a full frontal selfie.

AND BY FULL FRONTAL I DO MEAN THE LADY WAS STRAIGHT UP NAKED.

She was standing on the pot with her pants around her ankles and her shirt up to her neck. With one finger in her mouth.

BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS SEXY LIKE A TOILET AND A FINGER IN THE MOUTH.

So she screams, “OH MY GOD NO NO NO NO”.

And I yell, “NOOOOOO OH MY GOODNESS I AM SO SORRY – LOCK THE DAMN DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(If my children would have been with me I would have murdered her with more words I am sure.)

(Sorry, mom, for using the D word but SOMETIMES IT IS THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO IN A SITUATION.)

I run out as fast as my chubby little legs could and head to the car.

(This may be the best part…)

I text Andy and I tell him I needed to head on home and that I would meet him there.

I flew home. I got 3/4 of the way there when I get a phone call.

Andy: Um, Tiffany please tell me you didn’t really leave- my car is at Aldi, remember?!

Y’ALL I WAS SO DISTRAUGHT OVER THIS SITUATION I STRAIGHT UP LEFT MY HUSBAND AND PRECIOUS CHILDREN AT THE RESTAURANT.

When I pulled up the girls were giving me the side eye like nobody’s business.

Rory says, “Mom, seriously? How could you leave us?!”

BLESS.

I am still traumatized.

I regret a lot of things about this day.

  1. That she didn’t lock the door.
  2. That I have a tiny bladder and needed to go.
  3. That I didn’t scream, “I AM SURE YOUR MOTHER AND JESUS ARE REAL PROUD OF YOU RIGHT NOW.”

So, follow this advice:

Lock the stall door.

DON’T TAKE NUDE PICTURES. IT NEVER WORKS OUT IN YOUR FAVOR. EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER.

The End.

Goodbye, Kindergarten!

I am pretty sure it was five minutes ago when I was writing a letter to Rory on her first day of Kindergarten…. and here we are going into 1st grade.

I thought I would just post a few pictures of her Kindergarten graduation. The end of the school year was strange for a lot of reasons- mostly because Rory got sick and wasn’t able to do field day or anything like that. So it kind of just ended in a majorly anti-climactic way. But! She sure was so stinking cute at her graduation!

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The Friday after graduation Rory came home and told me she was tired and wanted a nap.

MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY

So Saturday morning she woke up with a high fever and I took her to the doctor where they diagnosed her with the strep and the flu. Then on Sunday she woke up with a deep barky cough and we realized she had croup on top of it. This was by far the sickest little Rory has ever been. She literally did not move out of my bed for 4 days. It was pitiful. We did a lot of steam showers and oils were EVERYWHERE trying to get her better.IMG_9726 IMG_9809

Then right as Rory was feeling better Ryder started a fever and wouldn’t you know she got the strep throat too. So we started summer with a BANG, right?!

To add insult to injury, Andy started his outage (shitdown as I affectionately call it) during all of this and well, I ALMOST HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN at one point. Here are some of the memes I saved to my phone during that time-

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And also, I got so bored I took to taking pictures of myself and sending them to my friends so they would feel sorry for me-IMG_9801 IMG_9799

You can tell that it was a fragile time for me. Rory even told me in the nicest way possible that it was time for me to take a shower. Bless it. Girlfriend went and staged an intervention when I needed it the most.

Thankfully we all were perked up and were ready to roll by Friday for our first annual girls summer roadtrip. I’ll tell you all about that tomorrow. #staytuned #isthatnotsoannoying

 

remember me?

It has officially been so long since I’ve blogged that my password had to be re-entered and a “remember me” box needed to be re-checked.

I have found myself MIA in the blogging world. I love to blog. I just have avoided it for some reason.

Any counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists out there wanna come analyze me? I have a lot of stuff that might need some sorting out.

Ha.

No. But really.

Since the last time I logged in I took a few Easter pictures of the girls that you will probably enjoy. And by you, I clearly mean my mother and all the other relatives that come here only to see pictures of the cuties.

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They are still silly and wonderful and smart and ABSOLUTE STINKERS.

Rory is almost done with Kindergarten. I just cannot.

Ryder is about to go to Kindergarten. I just cannot.

What in the world am I going to do with myself next year?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rory is playing softball and she is a beast. She’s just the most naturally athletic girl on the planet. She’s having a blast and we are loving cheering her on.

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Ryder is just her usual hilarious self. She’s the best cheerleader for Rory and is such a champ for going to all the games and cheering Rory on. She also loves to get in my purse and put makeup on during the games.

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Which leads me to the “Hilarious Ryder Stories” segment of this post.

A few weeks ago we were at the store and Ryder had to go to the bathroom. I take her into the restroom and wait outside the stall.

She begins to sing (loudly) “Let It Go” like so:

“Let it *grunting*Goooooooooooooo, *GRUNTING* CAN’T. HOLD. IT. BACK. ANY.MORE…..”

*plop plop*

“WHEW MOMMA! NOW I CAN SEE BETTER!”

……

…………

……………..

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! She was so full of crap, literally, that she apparently was having a hard time seeing.

Raising ladies is what I do best.

Maybe this has broken the ice on the non-blogging front. I actually have a whole lot I want to write about, but I’ve been feeling extremely protective of myself and especially the girls lately. Sometimes you just need to step back and enjoy life and let me tell y’all something- I am so enjoying my girls right now. They are the lights of my life and I’ve feeling fiercely protective of their hearts right now.

Happy Monday, friends!

 

the squirrel went to church….

So yesterday I got Ryder from school and she tells me this elaborate story about how a squirrel jumped on her back.

Considering the fact that the day before she told me that Miss Janice wasn’t there at school and they just did school alone and Ryder taught the class all day, I felt this was for sure a lie.

I mean. A squirrel jumped on your back? Yeah right.

Well about 30 minutes later I get a text from her teacher and she said, “crazy squirrel really did jump on Ryder’s back”. I literally could not stop laughing. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?!

I’ve had a pretty sad week. Sometimes thinking so much about Ryder’s start to life is still so hard for me. And then it was grandparents day and that is always such a sad day for me because I miss mine so much. I hate that Rory and Ryder never met my Grandmother and Grandaddy because I know they would have eaten them up. I can see my Granddaddy throwing his head back in laughter at them if he were here.

So the squirrel came at just the right time because one of my favorite memories is watching the Ray Stevens VHS with my Granddaddy every single time (multiple times) I went to their house.

If watching that video doesn’t perk you up, I don’t know what will. It certainly helped perk me up.

You should know I’m watching this laughing out loud. It never gets old. I will be showing this to my girls as soon as they get home today.

In other news, I want to give a small update and let y’all know that Rory and school are meshing much better these days. I’ll write a post on this later, but I’ve had a lot of questions about it so wanted to let you know its getting better!

This past weekend was the girls’ first soccer game! They were so sweet cheering each other on. I love how encouraging they are to each other- it is one of my favorite things.

Both girls played so good- Rory is a little powerhouse when she wants to be and Ryder is hilarious to watch.

You see, bless it, she is quite clumsy. She tripped so many times I couldn’t keep count. She also has her head in the clouds and we would have to yell at her to remember she was playing soccer, ha! When she is paying attention she really is quite good. Andy and I were shocked the first practice. She gets overwhelmed in the games because there are so many going after the same ball, but she gets in there and tries hard.

Their team is a bunch of rascals, to be honest. I feel bad for the coach who is a friend of ours because he has his hands full this year. Hopefully they will get it together and each week will be better.

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Nope. The ball is to your right, sweetpea.
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That booty pop tho.
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Get it, girl!
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Prayer time before the game. So very precious. Look how tiny Ryder is.

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I’m so impressed with Upward (this is our first experience with it) and the way 1st baptist puts it on.

Oh, and also, Ryder’s legs did indeed work the entire time. However, every time she came off the field for a break she would get all excited and say, “IS IT OVER?! IS IT TIME FOR SNACK?!!!!!” And each time we said no she would say, “awwwww man.” hahaha! Bless it.

But seriously- who would have ever thought 4 years ago that the struggling baby would be able to run and play soccer? Oh I am so thankful.

This morning Rory and I were praying before school. It was her turn to pray and she said the sweetest prayer:

“Dear God, thank you for this day. Thank you for everything you’ve given us. Watch over us. God thank you for Ryder’s heart and for giving me such a great sister. Help us both to have good days today.

*long pause*

And Lord, Help these awful toots go away because I sure don’t want to be pooting all day at school.”

After the prayer she says to me, “You know Mom, we can ask Jesus for anything. Nothing is too little or too big so I’m sure he can take the toots away.”

HA HA HA. Amen, sister!

Happy Thursday!

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breakfast ain’t free, baby.

Last week was the very first week of having a kid in “big kid school” and I navigated it well, I think.

This week, not so much.

For starters, let us talk about carpool.

Also known as the bane of my existence.

Here is the deal about carpool that I just CANNOT UNDERSTAND. People get there hours early to be the first in line. Buuuuutttttt they have to wait for hours in the car????? And they get their kids a whopping 4 minutes before I get mine if I show up *gasp* exactly on time????? I AM SO CONFUSED ABOUT THIS PEOPLE. Can someone honestly tell me what the point is? I literally showed up at Rory’s school one day at 2:50 and got through the line in 5 minutes.

Yesterday Ryder had a dentist appointment …..

*short interruption- Ryder loves the dentist. But she has to take this nasty medicine before because she is a heart patient. I forgot about her appointment so I rush over to Walgreens to get the RX and give it to her. Then we had one hour to kill before the appointment. So I headed to target and distributed the medicine in the car……….. except I forgot that without fail the first tsp always ends up being spit out. On me.

IMG_4568Once we got to the dentist she was fine and happy as can be.

IMG_4569 IMG_4573Back to the story…

On Wednesday we were out too late from Ryder’s appointment to do anything other than just sit in the carpool line. I got there at 2:15. Rory woke up at 4:15 yesterday morning so I had run all over the place all day long and then sat in carpool for too long and ended up falling asleep. Twice. And both times a lady in a minivan behind me honked very aggressively at me when I didn’t move the 2 inches forward in line. MY BAD, LADY- MY FREAKING BAD!

You should also know that the girls started children’s choir at church yesterday and both said they couldn’t believe I had never taken them there before because they had the time of their lives. Rory was just a tad disappointed she didn’t get on stage and sing with a microphone the first night.

^ that was random.

Now. On to the other failures I had this week so far. On Tuesday they had a parent volunteer training at Rory’s school. I called to see what time it was and apparently misunderstood the secretary because I thought she said 9 and 5:30. My original plan was to go at 9 but then I got a wild hair to redo something in my house and decided I could go at 5:30 because then I would also get a break from kids! Win-win!

Welllllllll

Turns out the times were 9am and 1pm. So I ended up missing it altogether because I’m selfish and a terrible person. Sigh.

If you are keeping tabs you should also know that Rory is SO UPSET because I won’t let her join girl scouts. I mean, the soccer and gymnastics just isn’t enough. *insert mom eye roll*

The biggest change this week was that Rory now gets dropped off in the morning outside and she goes in by herself. I may or may not have shed even more Kindergarten Mom Tears over this.

IMG_4452So I had talked to her and told her that when she went in the first day to make sure and ask where to go so she didn’t get lost. She bee-bopped herself right in like no big deal. I mean, I don’t want her to be crying but I would really love for her to AT LEAST WAVE and pretend she is going to miss me.

So we got a notification saying she was running low on lunch money and Andy and I were like HOW ON EARTH could she already be out?!

When talking to Rory later about her day she excitedly said to us, “Did you know they have FREE BREAKFAST?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Andy and I look at each other like, “SAY WHAT?”

She then goes on to say, “Well the first day I walked in and the lady says you can either go to the gym or to the cafeteria for breakfast so I’ve been going in and eating free breakfast! They had pan-a-cakes and fruit and so much good stuff!”

So the mystery of the missing lunch money is solved because BREAKFAST AIN’T FREE, BABY.

Andy and I have laughed nonstop about this. I mean, bless her heart, she just did what I told her and asked where to go and thought she was taking them up on a good deal of free breakfast. hahaha!

So there you have it. I haven’t been a great kindergarten mom this week but oh well. I have a bunch of weeks left to do better, right?! ha! Honestly, it is all just so trial and error at first. She is getting to school and her folder has been signed every night. I call that a big ol’ win!

 

 

 

summer is coming to an end.

If you would have told me a few years ago that I would get to the point where I could say that we have truly had the best summer ever, I would have laughed in your face. I mean, I can’t believe how fast time has gone now that I’m in this stage. I spent several summers inside with babies thinking that summer would never end. I mean I HATED summers. Last summer was fun, but this summer…… it was amazing.

Last week was our last official week of summer because today Ryder started PreK! Can you even believe that little baby who had to overcome so much is now a thriving PreK girl?! I can’t either. There were times I really didn’t think we would ever get here.11796458_10101829522154996_7770302727723680_n

The girls went to camp last week which was basically HEAVEN to me because I got to have four full days at home alone. I mean, that is a true vacation to a mama!

I’m going to be real honest with you people……

4 out of 4 days I took a nap.

A long, delicious nap.

OH YES I DID, SISTERS.

I did make myself do one productive thing each day. Just so I didn’t have to feel guilty.

The big thing I did though was closet purge! And I mean I got rid of more than half my clothes.

Before

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After- the giveaway pile.
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AND IT FEELS MARVELOUS.

I tried on every single item of clothing I own. If I didn’t LOVE it immediately I took it off and put it in a pile. I feel so much better about life right now and it is so much easier to pick what I’m going to wear each day!

I also made Andy do the same thing because, bless his heart, he has a hoarding problem.IMG_3398

He was thrilled.

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We also spent the week playing outside at night and having family game nights. Rory, Andy, and I take the game very seriously.IMG_3409

Clearly Ryder is serious about it too.IMG_3401

This weekend we went to Splash Country for our last big summer adventure.

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It was so crowded but we still had so much fun.

After our day at the water park, we went to the outlet mall to find some shoes for the girls. I thought this would be an easy task because clearly I am naive but OH NO. Honestly, I will just tell you that I didn’t think the girls could spend the entire day at the water park and then be able to shop for several hours but they did and only twice did Ryder tell us her legs couldn’t work anymore. That is a successful shopping trip if I ever heard of one.

The girls got new shoes and new jackets and a few clothes. They also entertained themselves and a whole lot of people that passed the window by pretending they were mannequins. It was hysterical.IMG_3537
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We went to approximately 47 shoe stores before heading to our last stop and finally finding the shoes that 1)fit – apparently every girl is in a size 12 because they were no where to be found and 2) met all the children’s requirements – weren’t too stiff, weren’t too soft, weren’t too pink, weren’t green, weren’t too girly but NOT boy-y at all.

I needed a strong drink by the time shoe shopping was over.

I meant a strong coffee, mother.

On our way out of Sevierville we stopped at Cracker Barrel to eat (it was 9pm and we were insanely delirious). All of a sudden Rory pulls out some of those try on hose/socks and puts them on her head. We, and about 10 surrounding tables, got a kick out of her and Ryder’s faces in them. Again, we were delirious and just cracked up until I couldn’t stop crying. It was just too much for me.IMG_3566 IMG_3569

I’m so sad to see our amazing summer come to an end, but I’m also so ready for the schedule and steadiness that comes with the school year. Rory and I have the week together while Ryder is at school and both of us are so excited for some one on one time.IMG_3665

where did the summer go? and a creepy child story

We have had one of those weeks where some days seemed long but now it is Friday and I don’t even know where the days have gone to.

Y’all.

Summer is almost over.

How did it happen so quickly?! Where did the summer go?!

I mean I literally cannot believe it is coming to an end. It has been the most fun summer ever. I need about 3 more weeks of pool time.

Next week the girls will be going to “camp” at church during the day. I won’t even know what to do with myself.

And then the next week is Ryder’s first week of PreK and then the next is Rory’s first week of Kindergarten.

MY BABIES ARE GROWING UP AND I CAN’T HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW.

In other news, I need a hobby.

Moving on!

When we last left off at my parents’ house last week I told you all about the fun we had. Well it got even better on Friday because my sister, Tasha, and her boys came in and we got to spend the day with them. It was way too short and I wish I could have seen them longer but I’m glad for the time we did have!

282 281 280Clayton and his wrestling moves. Ryder giggled the entire time, ha!

We spent last weekend with Andy’s family at the river. The girls had the time of their lives. Rory tubed by herself and Ryder tubed with anyone she could. The best part was spending time with Andy’s sister and her babies! The girls couldn’t get enough of Emma and Zoe!

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The ride home was amazing. They slept for a while which never happens. They didn’t want to watch a movie. They never asked for a snack or drink. They never asked for a bathroom break. It was amazing.714

Tuesday we went school shopping! We had the most fun. My little cuties were so excited and loved every second of picking out things. Rory found the most perfect folder for herself. 008She’s a stinker alright.

This is the part of the post where I tell you a creepy kid story.

The other night I was painting something in my living room –

(This is what I was painting. Why they painted it the same as the wall color I will never know.)026

 

After I got done I started up the stairs to turn the girls’ lights off.

As I head up the stairs I put my phone light up the stairs to see and when I looked up with the light I saw it….

A child standing at the top of the stairs staring down.

It was Rory, of course, BUT STILL. I was not prepared for that.

I ended up falling/sliding down 1/4th of the stairs and laying there trying to just breathe.

I mean. THAT CRAP SCARED ME.

I say to Rory, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU SCARED THE LIFE OUT OF ME CHILD!!!!!!!!!” (While holding my heart. Naturally.)

She says, “I can’t find Ryder, Mom. I just can’t find her.”

Me: Rory, she is in her bed.

Rory: *Still standing there all creepily* I just can’t find her, Mom.”

Bless it. She never even woke up.

I want you to know I didn’t sleep that night. I mean, I know it is my child, but there is nothing worse than getting scared out of your mind by a creepy little girl staring down the stairs. IT WAS THE WORST.

This morning I found her like this.088 089

Apparently sleep walking is our next adventure into the no sleep world.

Fun!

to grandparents’ house we go!

Monday morning we woke up bright and early to head to Mimi and Papa’s house for the week! I’ve been planning all year to spend a week in West TN with my parents so the girls could enjoy them during the summer time when work isn’t quite as busy for them. (My mom will laugh at this because lord knows that woman is always busy at work, bless her.)

You should know that Rory woke up and got dressed to hit the road in an interesting manner….IMG_2301

Her explanation for such a wardrobe was that she could ride all day to Mimi and Papa’s house and then take off her shorts and top shirt and “VOILA! I WILL BE READY FOR BED WITHOUT ANY WORK!” That’s my girl.

Monday and Tuesday were spent in the pool with Telena and Jacks. Jacy and Josh graced us with their presence a few times too. The girls have had the absolute best time with Jacy and Jacks this week. Mainly because Jacy loves to get them all dolled up with makeup and dresses and even a sparkly tattoo or two… or twenty. IMG_2381

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Oh, Ryder.

I also spent time with my sister in law and nieces on Monday afternoon and OH MY WORD THOSE GIRLS ARE SO CHUBBY AND CUTE. No joke I couldn’t even handle myself with them.

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You should know that every single time I come to my parents’ house – WITHOUT FAIL – they end up having a big storm roll through and the power is out for extended periods of time. I realize that it sounds like a personal problem because seriously it happens every time which therefore means I am obviously bad luck.

Like we didn’t already know this.

So Tuesday night a gigantic storm rolled in suddenly and out the power went for 6+++ hours. I’m not exactly what time in the night it came back on but I do know that it wasn’t before I hit the pillow like a wrecking ball.

So to entertain ourselves in the darkness we did a few things.

1- We took the inaugural stroll around the block to assess the damage. In my parents’ neighborhood this is a big deal, y’all. Half the neighborhood comes outside and joins in and it is a wonderful time had by all.

I personally like to call it the old folks/nosy neighbor parade but I will admit that I do quite enjoy this tradition.

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Lookie there- even the dog and my neck rolls joined in.

Step 2- Must make a faux campfire and sing loudly for all to hear in hopes the entire neighborhood will need to stick their fingers in their ears.IMG_2403Step 3- Must have glow stick to do a light magic show with before bedtime.

IMG_2434I quite realize my photography skills are POPPIN’ these days.

This is where I interrupt this program to tell you something downright TERRIFYING.

Wednesday morning Rory came in looking……… different.

As in girlfriend had stuffed her shirt.

I say to her, “Rory what is going on in your shirt?!” She nonchalant says to me, “Oh nothing, I was just itching.”

So I quiz her again and say that I know she can’t be “itching” because her shirt is soft and not scratchy at all.

I say, “Rory, we don’t put toilet paper in our shirts to make it bigger there.”

Rory: But I needed my “muscles” to be bigger!

Me: Rory, take that toilet paper out you do not need bigger “muscles”.

Rory: *insert eye roll* I JUST FEEL LIKE A WOMAN, MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *stomp uggggghhhhhhh stomp stomp stomp flush*

I CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW WITH THIS MESS.

On Wednesday I went to my friend Katy’s house and we got to sit and talk and just chill because our children are each other’s play date soul mates. I don’t say that lightly either. Every time we have gotten together they play and play and not once have they ever had a fight. It is blissful. The girls were super heroes saving the world from monsters and also attended a royal ball where they danced their butts off.IMG_2485 IMG_2478

Wednesday night I got to go eat with some of my favorite friends- Jinny, Alexis, and Emily. We laughed until my face seriously hurt and man, if that isn’t a sign of great friends I don’t know what is. I also almost peed my pants when we took approximately twelve hours trying to take a selfie.IMG_2490 IMG_2493

After dinner I met Katy and some friends for a late movie.

And then I crashed hardcore because mama can’t stay up that late anymore.

Thursday we spent the morning at the pool with friends (failed to get a pic) and the afternoon at Telena’s. It was such a wonderful and quiet day.

Last night we sat outside and enjoyed the swings because swinging at Papa’s is our very favorite thing to do. IMG_2351 IMG_2356

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Today is our last day at Mimi and Papa’s. I am so thankful we got this week to spend with them and we are excited to spend a long weekend with Andy’s family at the river. On to the next adventure!

Panama City Beach 2015

I still haven’t written Ryder’s birthday post.

I have avoided the upstairs at all costs (where the computer is) because NO AIR CONDITIONING.

Thankfully it is now fixed and slowly but surely cooling down in the house.

I thought about going through and editing all the beach pictures and then I was like…. NAHHHHHH. I just can’t even right now.

I CAN’T EVEN.

Sleep has been at a low. Our house and, well, ourselves are a mess. A HOT MESS. (get it?!)

So today I shall tell you about our vacation and posts the pics as I took them and CALL IT A DAY.

Thankyouverymuch.

To say this was the most fun vacation we have taken since becoming parents is an understatement. There were no diapers, no bottles. Just two little girls that have no extreme needs anymore.

I MEAN CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE WHAT I AM SAYING?!

It was so easy. So dang easy. So wonderful.

You should know that it was kind of gloomy the entire time with periods of sun. That was the only bummer. But the upside to that was that it wasn’t scorching/melting hot outside. It felt so good the whole week.

We arrived on Saturday and it rained the entire way. I will admit that it was the car ride from hell. Rory + Cars for Hours = DISASTER.

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But all was well when we got to the beach because it suddenly stopped raining just enough for us to get out for an hour or so.

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PCB15 612 PCB15 618 PCB15 651 PCB15 658The next day was overcast with some storms but we still managed to get out on the beach some. It was actually nice to not have to hear “I’m hot” complaints.

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So this is the part where I tell you the craziness that was our booking this trip.

Here was the thought process:

Get check from Oscar Meyer, book long weekend at beach.

Well, as it turns out, Andy ended up having off half the week for the 4th. So all he had to do was take off an extra day for us to be able to stay the entire week.

But the condo we booked was already booked up and that meant we had to get a hotel for the last night there. But then we added three days. So, we stayed two nights in the condo, one night in one hotel, and three nights in another hotel.

ARE YOU AS EXHAUSTED AS I AM JUST TYPING THAT?! It was crazy town.

I was a tad worried about how stressful that would be, but it ended up being totally fine. The hotels weren’t ON the beach so that was the only downside, but they both had great pools and the girls enjoyed it so much. The last hotel was the best because it had an indoor pool and a couch bed for them to sleep in.

Because let me tell you- The other one night in the hotel was …. interesting. 

PCB15 893I ended up sleeping diagonally  with my pillow on the nightstand and my legs under the children. Because #momlife.

Side note: Rory wants to sleep UNDER you. She legit tucks her feet and body under yours in the night. Ryder, like me, does not want to be touched. So you can imagine the joy that was that night of sleep with one child who can’t stop touching and another child who doesn’t want to be touched at all.

Okay. Back to the beach.

On Tuesday we went to a public beach and I will have to say, it was very nice! It wasn’t too crowded and it was such a sunny day. We stayed on the beach all day and had a blast.

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This is the part of the post where I interrupt to show you just how solemn and NOT DRAMATIC AT ALL Ryder is.

Casually walking to the beach….

PCB15 928WAIT. Something appalling has just happened!
PCB15 940Just kidding let me dance back to the ocean.PCB15 948Oh no. I feel unsteady….PCB15 952Oh, oh, ohhhhh I’m falling…..PCB15 953Oh, you want a picture of me?!PCB15 977Just one second missy…
PCB15 980I’m not gonna tell you again to put that camera up…. PCB15 982Let me become one with the sand and the ocean…PCB15 1010Let me just casually and not dramatically at all dig the tiniest hole known to man….PCB15 1040 PCB15 1045Okay now let us pause to talk about Rory and how completely ordinary she is… I mean she is not GORGEOUS AT ALL. And I totally did NOT have a moment of COMPLETE AND UTTER PANIC OVER HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE WAS because HEART BREAKER COMING TOWARD ME or anything…..

PCB15 738 PCB15 742I sent those pictures to most of my friends with the text saying, “I’m scared.”

I mean. She’s my kid so obviously I think she’s beautiful.

But this was the moment my future with her flashed before my eyes and I thought, “MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY!” Girlfriend is made for the beach. And girlfriend is going to break some serious hearts.

Honestly. Can you even with her tan and brown hair and brown eyes?

Totally ordinary and not gorgeous at all.

On opposite day.

Back to the beach…

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We went shopping at some gift shops one night to find Ryder a sand toy and the girls a little souvenir. Rory picked out some dangly earrings and therefore she is officially big now.

PCB15 727Rory also got a boogie board that night and as you can see on the above pictures she liked it. (I would make the effort to redo this in better chronological order but nah.)

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Ryder got a mermaid. I have no pictures of this.

We went to eat at Captain Anderson’s for dinner on Tuesday night and OH MY SWEET MERCY it was one of the best meals of my life. OF MY LIFE, PEOPLE. PCB15 1079 My girls. I’m so proud to be their mama. PCB15 1091After dinner we went to play Putt Putt and as per usual, the kids beat us.

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Wednesday was Ryder’s 4th birthday (coming Monday, her 4 year old post. I promise!). Andy and Rory had a fishing trip planned so it was just me and Ryder for the day!

I asked her what she wanted to do- told her we could do anything and suggested going to the beach and then pool and then whatever she wanted…..

She said, “No! I don’t want the beach. I want to go golfing and then I want to eat spaghetti with a giant meatball.”

WELL OKAY THEN.

Girl knows what she wants!

So we went to play golf and Ryder got FOUR hole-in-ones on her birthday. I mean. Seriously.

PCB15 1138 PCB15 1141After golfing we went to eat at an Italian restaurant and Ryder got a giant meatball for her birthday and it was her version of heaven on earth.

We didn’t buy her a big gift because the trip was the big thing and we were doing all the fun things they wanted in lieu of a birthday party/huge gift, but we did want to get her a few little things. She opened one gift when she woke up and then after lunch we headed to Target for her to spend $40 on a toy/toys and buy whatever dress she wanted.

This is where I inform you that it took AN HOUR AND A HALF for Ryder to pick out a Sophia Karaoke Purse and a Barbie. AN  HOUR AND A HALF BROWSING THREE TOY AISLES. I can’t even.

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Then we moved on to the clothing portion (where I felt for sure I needed to get an IV of caffeine at this point) and Ryder looked at

every.

single.

dress.

Then she finally said to me, “Mama- can I just buy some new pajamas instead?!”

SHE IS THE MOST PRECIOUS ONE. I have laughed over that ever since. She is so opposite of her fashionista sister. She just wants comfort. I feel ya sister.

You should also know that once we got to the check out she spotted princess pups. For $2. And she put back her $20 Barbie because she thought the princess pups were a better pick.

Most children would want those ON TOP of the other toys they browsed for an hour and a half, but not Ryder. She is the most sensible, content thing on the planet. PCB15 1159After the longest Target trip on earth, we decided we for sure needed a drink….

PCB15 1171I AM KIDDING.

We had time to kill so we went to Bed, Bath, And Goodness There Are So Many Clever Things I Certainly NEED.

I mean, that giant shatterproof wine glass was a good start.

Then we went to World Market where I wanted ALL OF THE THINGS and Ryder parked herself on a couch and took a snooze while I browsed the furniture section.

Again, MOST CONTENT CHILD ON THE PLANET.

We then got in the car and changed for our fancy birthday dinner.

This is where I tell you how much I love my minivan because I got in the back seat and changed and had so much room. We also had a dance party in the van because why not?

Then we headed to pick Rory and Andy up from fishing.

PCB15 1178They had the best time together. I’m so glad we had a day split up like that. Rory and her daddy are so much alike and love spending one on one time together and it is so rare. Ryder and I are the same way. It was such a good day.

Then we headed to Firefly  for Ryder’s fancy birthday dinner.

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She got chicken tenders.

Fancy.

PCB15 1189 PCB15 1190 PCB15 1195The girls did so good at the restaurant and I was so proud of them. They felt so special getting to eat somewhere so fancy.

They were better behaved than the drunk table next to us…. just a side note.

Then they brought her a molten cake and, well, you can imagine the excitement. Ryder and Rory proceeded to TEAR THAT THANG UP.

PCB15 1196 PCB15 1206After dinner we went to see Insdie Out and I will admit that I cried like a stinking baby. #hormones

We got back to the hotel to find that we were locked out of our room so while Andy handled this dilemma, Rory and Ryder crashed in the hallway. Preciousness.

PCB15 1352Want to know what is NOT preciousness?

Putting the kids to bed and getting ready for bed myself to find my pillow hostage by Crazy Sleeping Man Who Never Wakes Up. (I also regret to inform you that I left that beloved pillow at the hotel and haven’t slept the same since. RIP favorite pillow.)

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Thursday was our last full day of vacation and we lucked out to have some friends coming nearby that we don’t get to see often enough. So we headed to Rosemary Beach (30a if you are curious) to spend the day with them. This is where I tell you that we will certainly be staying there next year instead. Because I was fine with Panama City but it was CROWDED and I am not big on all the crowds.

PCB15 1363It was the most fun day. Anna Kate and Charli are the same ages as Rory and Ryder and they had a blast together. My girls haven’t stopped talking about wanting to go back to the beach with their friends one day. I tell you- there is nothing like having friends and your kids playing well together. It is the best.

After the beach day we headed to Baytowne Wharf in Sandestin and HOW HAVE I NEVER BEEN THERE? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to Destin area and never even heard of this. We met my cousin Margo and her husband and little girl. And by little girl, I mean TEENAGER – I CAN’T EVEN. I remember her stuffing her purses with pacies. Now I’m old and so is she.

Anyway.

Margo is one of my favorite people on the earth. Another side note.

We spent the evening with them and had a blast. I’m so mad we didn’t get a picture together! But as you can see the girls were so over pictures at this point in the trip…

PCB15 1388HA

Rory did the trampoline and the rock wall. Ryder attempted the trampoline but she didn’t quite get to the part where they jump. Or even stand there long enough to get buckled. Bless it.

PCB15 1400PCB15 1440Rory is fearless as we all know. She amazes me.

Ryder did, however, love the carousel.

PCB15 1432We got back to the hotel and the girls snuggled up in bed just like the other nights and it literally pains my heart because I feel like it might burst from so much love. Look at them. I just love them so much.

PCB15 1126Side note numero 203945304 – here are Ryder’s new birthday pajamas: “I Otter Be In Bed”

….. I MEAN FOR REAL….. YOU OTTER BE!

PCB15 1358We headed out on Friday morning which ironically was the only day the entire trip the children slept in.

Heifers.

Andy drove until ATL and then he passed the torch to me.

Side note # 98349843 : I hate driving. I would be 1 million percent content with never having to drive again. That is my dream. To be rich enough to have a driver. Or to live in NYC where I can ride the glorious subway every day. #goals

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And there you have it.

Our PCB trip in a nutshell.

IT WAS THE MOST FUN AND I WANT TO GO BACK.

I cannot wait until our next vacation. These girls are more fun by the day. Life is good, y’all.

Happy Weekend!

no I don’t get free wieners for life

We are officially one month into summer and once again the saying, “The days are long, the years are short,” applies here. Most days I am longing for Andy to get home and yet I’m sitting here feeling BUT I DON’T WANT SUMMER TO END. Rory will be starting Kindergarten in just 7 weeks. WHAT!?!

The best part about summer is that there is no set schedule and we have been very much enjoying that. We come and go as we please and our days are filled with fun.

Our typical summer day is getting up and going between 6:30-7 (I know, right?! My kids are sleeping in!) and watching a tv show or two and then the girls do some sort of art project while I clean. Usually by the time that is over we are ready to eat lunch and head to the pool for a couple of hours. Then we have a rest time and then Andy is home. At some point in the day, Rory goes in the backyard and plays for an hour or so while Ryder heads to her room to play barbies or what-have-you in her own little world. Our only real struggle this summer that is about to make me a bit insane is the fighting. Good gracious these girls can THROW DOWN.

I will say though, this summer is the first as a parent where I feel we are relaxing AND having fun all at the same time. There are no diapers to change or mandatory naps or bottles to make/wash. It is a whole new world of parenting for me!

I mean…. y’all…. I DON’T EVEN CARRY A DIAPER BAG ANYMORE.

I have a tiny purse now. CAN YOU EVEN?!

I seriously never thought this day, or summer, would come. We are so carefree!

So a few months ago I got an email from a company asking if I would be interested in having one of my photos from Instagram in an ad campaign from a “major company”. Before they gave me any details they made my sign a non-disclosure agreement. So I did and then they told me it was Oscar Meyer and they showed me the picture that would be in the campaign. I literally laughed out loud when they sent it. So I had to sign a bunch of papers and then keep my mouth shut and wait for over two months before, FINALLY, last week a friend of mine sent me a text saying, “Tiffany! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! ARE THESE YOUR KIDS?!” and then two seconds later another friend sent it too.

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I seriously crack up every time I see that picture.

The best part is that there was compensation for the picture….

Sadly, it wasn’t free wieners for life.

But it was enough money to send us on a family beach trip that will be going down next week! Holla!

This past weekend was Father’s Day Weekend and we spent it mostly cleaning the garage and house and unpacking even more boxes…. and we still aren’t done. But I can finally park in the garage, thanks to Andy’s hard work, so I feel progress is being made!

Saturday night we went to Chattanooga to dinner and a Lookouts game. When we got there the sun was BLARING ON US and I wasn’t quite sure if the girls would make it past the first inning. Thankfully they did and as soon as they sun went down enough to not blind us, they had the best time EVER.

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Rory won this hat right when we walked in and she hasn’t taken it off much since. ha!IMG_0639 IMG_0640

Somehow Ryder managed to sneak some Coke from her daddy………….. IMG_0642 IMG_0643 IMG_0646

This is what Andy and I referred to as – “Ryder is coked out.” She cannot- CANNOT- handle caffeine.

After the game they let the kids run the bases and much to our surprise Ryder wanted to do it too.
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Rory was at the start of the line and ran so fast she beat two older boys, which I shall say gives me so much pride. That chick is fast. Ryder wasn’t exactly sure what “running bases” meant so she ran like a chicken who had escaped her coop for a minute but finally got the hang of it. AND SHE RAN THE ENTIRE WAY AND HER LEGS WORKED THE ENTIRE TIME. I’m telling you, the girl is getting more brave by the minute!IMG_0653

Last week I wrote about my 30th birthday and I have kicked myself ever since because somehow my OLD brain completely forgot one of the biggest highlights of the week!

The day after my birthday my friend, Amber, and I had plans to go to dinner. I was so looking forward to a girls night with her and ….. welll…… my actual birthday wasn’t really that fantastic. It was okay but I mean, just another day.

You should know that Amber drove so slow that she even stopped at a green light. I didn’t think anything of her slow driving until that point and then I just thought, “Chick has lost her mind.”

We get to the restaurant and Amber tells the girl her name and I heard the hostess say, “the rest are over there,” and that is when I saw it- a table full of friends!

Y’all. It was everything I could do to not cry! Amber didn’t even know these people but she still got on facebook and got together a group of girlfriends to throw me a surprise dinner. It was just the best.

The dinner was so much fun- we just sat there and laughed until I was certain I was going to pee my pants. I was also just overwhelmed by how thankful I was that all these women came to dinner and not all of them know me well. I just couldn’t get over it. It was the very best birthday dinner.

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Every time I move somewhere I always pray the same prayer- “God please send me one great friend.” He has always far exceeded my expectations and sent me several great friends. We have lived in Cleveland for almost a year now and I’m feeling so blessed that God has already sent me great friends. Amber has been such an amazing friend to me for many years now and now I have all these new friends to be thankful for too.

In my 30 years I have realized that some of the greatest blessings in life are your girlfriends. I’m so thankful for all of mine, new and old.