Everyday Life, Holidays, my heart

because of today.

We have had one horrible week. The things that have gone down, the actions of others, and health scares have just wrecked havoc on us.

I got a call on Wednesday morning from my mom and I could tell by her voice something had happened. I’ll never forget that same voice when she told me Sam had died. I got a chill over my entire body and braced myself for the blow.

It was T. She had heard something had happened to him and that he was at the hospital. She didn’t know what, but she knew I would want to know.

I immediately started to cry. I was so scared he was gone. So terrified I’d never see him again, never get a hug from him again. Never tell him I was proud of him again.

Thankfully, he’s okay. By the grace of God only is he still here, for more than just this week.

There are times I’ve been mad at him, and others very close to me who are in this same boat, for putting the people who love him through this. For being so selfish.

But I’m over that. Now I’m just so sorrowful that because of some wrong choices, he will forever live with this demon.

Not saying he can’t be completely healed, I know God can work that miracle, but he will always have it in his mind. Always have to fight the desire to go back.

And honestly, aren’t we all the same way?

My parents and sisters and cousins and aunts (well, apparently everyone) tell stories of how I used to put my hand on my hip and say things like “what the hell?!” and “Damnit!” as young as 3.

Now, the stories really are hilarious and mortifying to my parents, I’m sure, to this day but I can’t help but think of it as the beginning.

You see, one of my biggest “addictions”, if you will, is my potty mouth. I’ve apparently always had it. I have such a hard time with it. You wouldn’t believe. I have trained myself to only say things out loud in front of people who I know won’t mind it (I guess? Who enjoys hearing foul language?) BUT my mind is always saying those words. All of them.

It is my sin that I deal with at all times. I’ve had years of no cursing and then I go back to it. Over and over I’ve done this.

So what is the difference?

.. for ALL have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God.” Romans 3:23

My foul language that causes me to be a stumbling block to others or to make my witness not mean as much is a sin just as much as a drug addiction.

I’ve really been thinking a lot this week about my sins that are every day struggles for me. I’ve been viewing my life from an outsider trying to see what they would see in me that was different.

And I’ve been brought to tears over and over again.

In tears over the people close to me who don’t know Him how I know Him. Possibly they haven’t seen His greatness enough in me. Sure they witnessed the miracles with Ryder, but since then? Nah. I’ve been in a funk. A negative place. A place that I cannot believe I’m in after all the goodness and peace and miracles I saw just over two years ago (and throughout my entire life).

But that’s how life happens. Just like the addict who runs back to drugs, alcohol, food, pornography, curse words, or whatever their sin is- I keep running away from God. I can’t seem to be able to sit still in His greatness. To abide in Him. I can’t seem to think I’m good enough for it so I use that as my excuse to go back. To go back to reckless behavior that affects those around me who don’t know Him. To go back (over and over again) to my mouth that spews words that are a hazard to my testimony and my witness.

Sin is sin. And no matter what it is, there is never a “too low” for Jesus.

And because of today on Good Friday, His grace covers EVERYONE. Every single one of us. His blood was shed so that we would never die. NEVER. We will live in eternity with Him, if only we accept His gift.

That means that nothing you or I can ever do will separate us. Absolutely nothing. Even if I run back to my foul mouth, I am still a child of God. He still forgives me over and over and over again.

Even if T runs back to his sin, God still forgives him over and over again. He forgave him before he ever took the first hit. Before the first bad decision that led him to where he is now, God had already forgiven Him.

Yes, as believers and Christians we should desire to live a holy life. But we all mess up. There would be no reason for Jesus if we didn’t. We all sin and fall short. But Jesus catches us and washes grace over us again and again.

I pulled an all-nighter with Ryder last night and I sang a lot of songs and prayed a lot of prayers.

I also had a realization again in my life that I’m forgiven. Jesus died for ME. Sometimes it is good to feel those butterflies again. To come to the place of realization for the 100th time that ME, the lowly sinner who has so many flaws and scars, has a Savior that loves me so much He died for me.

He did that for you, too, dear friends. You are never too far gone. Never. There is absolutely nothing you can do to separate yourself from God. He forgave you before you ever sinned.

Because of today, I can face tomorrow. I can face any sin and any storm, because He died for me and He rose on the third day to claim victory over my sins once and for all.

“But the one whom God raised from the dead did not see decay. “Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Through him everyone who believes is set free from every sin, a justification you were not able to obtain under the law of Moses.” Acts 13: 37-39

Lyrics to Chris Tomlin’s “Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone):

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see

‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone, I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

My chains are gone, I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

My chains are gone, I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God who called me here below
Will be forever mine, will be forever mine
You are forever mine




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