Well. It seems as though I’m in the hellish place called potty training again.

And yes. That is exactly how I feel about it. Thankyouverymuch.

I’m not really sure why but it is some sort of sick joke that I get two kids who have NO INTEREST at all in the potty training business.

You don’t remember Rory and my trials with her?!

Let me remind you:

Reminder #1

Reminder #2

There are more, but I feel like two reminders about poop is enough for this hour.

So here I am, now with Ryder, tackling this horrid task called potty training.

photo

Or coaching labor.

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Ryder’s attitude on the situation is this:

Me: Ryder, ready to go potty in the big girl potty??? You are three now! You get to be a big girl and not wear diapers anymore!!!!!!! Isn’t this AWESOME?!!!!

(I MEAN, REALLY. I deserve an award for the amount of enthusiasm I muster up at 6:00am about poop.)

Ryder: Nope! I fine! I just don’t need nuffin’ but my diapers! I fine! I good! I not need princess panties!

Me (to myself, of course): %$#&*@&@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF THE WORDS! ALL OF THEM! ALLLLLLLL OF THE WORDDDDSSSSSSSSSS!

I even went as far as to create a POTTY FAIRY. What is my life coming to?!!!!!

The potty fairy (who by the way is an a-word because she brings the prizes but doesn’t stick around to do the WORK that is involved) brought lots of undies and M&M’s and books about how princesses poop in the potty too!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHE DOESN’T CARE!

Doesn’t even care that the poor potty fairy did so much work trying to prep us for the hell of this week.

Whatever, kids, whatever.

Go ahead. Be hard on me. Don’t move up in the big girl class. Don’t hesitate to stink up the whole house with your nasty 3 year old poop diapers.

GO FREAKING AHEAD.

I’m also naturally irrationally angry at Andrew.

I mean. I can’t even look at him right now.

There he goes. Off to work. While I’m already cleaning up the first pool of pee on my floor at 6:15am.

GO AHEAD TO WORK.

It is currently 7:42. I’ve been up since 5:15 with the children who will not sleep past that terrible hour of the day.

Ryder has peed once.

ONCE.

Hateful child.

(HA)

And let me just say one more thing…

WHO CAME UP WITH 2-3 BEING THE PERFECT AGE TO POTTY TRAIN A CHILD?

Everyone knows three year olds are THE WORST. And you want to throw potty training in with the mix of it?!

WHO CAME UP WITH THIS?! BECAUSE I AM FULLY PREPARED TO OVERNIGHT THEM RYDER’S FIRST POOP IN THE POTTY TO THEIR DOORSTEP!

And I don’t want to hear all of your crap (haha) about how I can make it easier on her. She has no idea I feel this way- hello that is why I have a blog- I am miss potty party girl up in this house.

I AM DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.

I just happen to have heifer children who COULD CARE LESS if they crapped their pants for the rest of their life.

I’m  not being dramatic or anything here.

This is just how I feel about potty training.

AKA THE WORST PART OF PARENTING TODDLERS.

I must go now. The SUPER FUN POTTY TIMER has gone off on my phone and I must torture encourage Ryder to go potty now.

Donations to my coke, chocolate and possibly alcohol fund can be made at any point.

(KIDDING, MOM!)

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