I’m up entirely too late, watching my guilty pleasure on TV (NJ Housewives), and catching up on all my favorite blogs. I know I shouldn’t be staying up this late because I’m surely going to be regretting it all the many times I’m up with kids tonight, but it is the only time of day that I can spend alone without interruption. So I will drink too much caffeine tomorrow and be exhausted just for the sake of some quiet time.
Isn’t that how motherhood goes – constantly making decisions, big or small, that somehow seem to involve sacrifice on some level? Yesterday I sacrificed even more of my limited sanity by agreeing to getting a puppy for the girls, today I sacrifice sleep for alone time… who knows what tomorrow will bring!
As I’m sitting here catching up on some blogs, I check in on a blog friend/heart mom friend Becca and I see that she is linking up with a 31 day challenge. I’m sitting here thinking that there is no way I could do it, yada yada, and then it hits me like a ton of bricks- “let go”.
Just like it hit me this morning at church. The pastor at the church we visited preached on Nehemiah and the message was basically about how we truck along with life doing what we think we should do or the minimum expected, etc, but we never really let go of all that to see what God is wanting from us.
And you can only guess that I’m sitting there in the sanctuary looking for the nearest exit because I don’t want him to call my name out because clearly he talking about me.
In fact, right before the sermon started I was fighting tears because all I wanted to do was pack my family up and move back to Texas. I loved my life in Texas- my friends, my church- I wanted it all back.
But then the pastor starts talking and I get sweaty because my memory started coming back as to why we moved here.
When Andy got the call for a possible position I panicked because I knew immediately we’d be moving back to Tennessee. I was so excited because we would be so close to our families, but I was terrified because I had never felt like I belonged in my life as much as I had in Texas.
So when he got the call for an interview, I started praying that God would make this an easy yes or no. Well, friends, it couldn’t have possibly been a more clear “yes” than what we got. God had answered my prayers exactly how I wanted Him to.
But then I get here and it has been much harder than I anticipated. There’s just been a lot of struggles, nothing huge, but something every day that keeps me wondering why on earth we did this.
But what I’ve failed to realize is that maybe, most positively actually, the problem is myself.
I’m hanging onto my friends, my church, and my life in Texas. Instead of clinging to God and His promises to sustain me and give me exactly what I need (note: not want).
I’m never going to make new friends or enjoy a new church if I’m still clinging in desperation to my past experiences. I’ll always have those friends and that wonderful time at our old church, but I need to live here in the now of my life.
I need to let go.
So here’s to 31 days of learning to letting go.
Day 3 : Letting Go of My Selfishness