Well. I failed. I missed yesterday.
Let’s move on.
The girls and I went to Jackson (where my sister and parents live) to see my nephew play soccer. We had a great day. My parents watched the girls while they napped and I went to a movie and enjoyed some alone time. And I just love spending time at my parents’ house. It is so cozy and comfortable and I will always feel like it’s home. Sometimes all you need to cheer you up is a day with your parents at your childhood home.
On the way home I was driving and singing with the girls to try and keep them awake since it was bedtime and all of a sudden I noticed some lights in my rear view mirror….
When the officer came up to my window he starts telling me how fast I was going and did I not realize the speed limit, etc, and I just tell him, “I’m so sorry, I really had no idea what the speed limit was, I am just trying to get these kids home before they fall asleep in the car.” That won his sympathy vote enough to knock it down to just a speeding ticket. So I’m going to court soon to try and keep it off my record, but he said that he thinks the judge will make me pay it and make me go to driving school because of how much over I was going. Also, he said I should be glad he didn’t take me to jail.
Note to self: Adamsville is a 30 zone. Don’t go 62 in that zone.
You know me… the outlaw.
The comic relief in all of this is Rory’s reaction. Guy comes to window and she starts yelling, “HIIIIIII! My name Rory Harris, this is Ryder ‘Melia, what’s your name? We watching Nemo! You like Nemo????”. When he walked away she said to me, “Mommy, why he not talk to me? He grumpy?”. HA!
So, that was fun.
Friday and Saturday were great days. But today seemed like a “crash” day. I was weepy and just had a hard time. Rory woke up in a determined mood…. like determined to do whatever she wanted and determined to win battles and determined to not obey. Its so hard for me because we will have such wonderful days and then BAM! I feel like I’m going back to square one. It’s just so hard.
I hate disciplining her but know it is absolutely necessary. I hate that she is in this stage of learning what self control is and that I have to teach her over and over and over the same lesson. To make matters worse, I’m sure in Rory’s eyes, Ryder is in the most delightful stage ever so she never gets in trouble like Rory does. I hate that Rory is probably feeling like we favor Ryder over her because of this and I’m trying hard to make sure she doesn’t feel that way, but it is almost unavoidable because she doesn’t understand.
I am reminded, once again, that I can’t do this parenting thing alone. I know that I need to just quote scripture and pray all throughout my day to help calm my spirit and keep from losing my temper. That is something I struggle with so much is keeping a calm, even temperament even though I’ve already told her 230940934 times she CANNOT do that or telling her TO do something.
Just like Rory’s flesh tends to rule her right now, mine does too. We are one in the same in that. The difference is that I truly know better and know how to make it easier, but I’m holding onto my flesh and my natural reactions and desires when instead I should be letting that all go and giving it to Jesus. I should be showing grace to her over and over while also teaching her that her own heart needs to be changed just like Jesus has and will continue to do with me every day.
The thing that I hate the most is that even as I type, I realize that my frustration with Rory and her “heart problems” are nothing compared to what God feels about me. He loves me enough to sacrifice His Son on the Cross, and yet I hang onto my own heart issues all the time. I hang onto my insecurities, my anger, my frustrations with everyday life with a one and two year old at home, and so many other things.
God is really pulling on my heart and guiding me back to Him in a time that, to be really honest, is dark for me. I’m so thankful He has lead me to this “letting go” series, and I truly believe it was a God thing. If I hadn’t of signed up for this I honestly probably would be on a “blogging break” right now. I have a lot of really hard things going on in my life and my family’s lives right now and my natural reaction is to just want to be a recluse and dwell on those things. But I’m having to face them and I’m having to give them to God and I’m so thankful for that.
This is my 6th post in the series of Letting Go. You can start at the beginning here.
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